Ok, in state of panic. DD is 13 and lately full of attitude and completely obsessed with herself and freinds, probably pretty normal stuff. Yesterday went to friends from half day at school and was meant to be having a sleepover. She then text at 7:30 to ask if she could get bus at 10 from friends house. I said thought you were staying and no 10pm is too late. After numerous texts where I thought she was really pushing things we agreed on her getting the bus at 9pm. When she came in she threw her head round door and straight away I thought something was up. Asked her to come back in and asked her how was school, how was your day etc She got very defensive and her step-Dad (of 12 years) asked her if she had been drinking. She then burst into tears and said she couldn't believe we would think this, not believe....much dramatics and totally out of character. I then told her to go to her room. I went up and asked for her phone and said she was grounded. She seemed under the influence of something. We then got into huge fight and it was very clear she was drunk or on drugs and I slapped her and told her to go to bed. Checked on her throughout the night and early morning. Had to take ds (3) for an appointment this morning and was out of the house for 90 minutes when I got back she was gone. Have been round to friends and she's not there and friend said they were not drinking last night.
Long story and thank you if you've made it to here.
Not sure what to do now. Do I phone the police...do I wait a bit? Have sent her facebook message but she doesn't have her phone so can't phone.
Any help/advice much appreciated
are you sure she is under the influence of something.
I just remember coming home to a screeching, hysterical mother who wanted to talk about 'the drugs' she had found in my room when I was about 14. It was a mini-m&m.
I'm sure she will be back, She's just stropped off can't say I blame her after you slapped her. I'd hold off calling the police if I were you.
I know she hasn't got phone but if she is with a friend she can access facebook via their laptop, phone, she's done this before when phone has ran out. she has keys as she had to let herself out and lock the door and she has a bus pass. I spoke with friends mum whose house she was at last night who asked her dd in front of me if they had been drinking in the room to which her dd said no. I've spoke with other friend who she left with who has said they both were not drinking. Spoke with my mum who will be home at 4 and can see if she has left message on my Mum's answer machine. Friends mum didn't seem too aware of what they were doing yesterday. My Mum was saying she'll probably come back home at tea-time and I shoudn't panic and just act very blase' when she returns?
You sold apologise when she gets home and give her phone back.
Good advice from your mum, leave your daughter to calm down. She is probably very angry with you and you calling her friends, threatening the police etc isn't going to help that. Still think you need to apologize to her
Her best friend has just messaged to say her friends are really worried and she is trying her best to find out if anyone has heard from dd. I said I really appreciated all her help and that if I didn't hear soon may need to contact police for advice
Hope she comes back soon! Have you been to her gran's to see if she's huddled pitifully on the doorstep? That's where I'd be if I were her.
Out of interest, what was it that made you think she was on something? and did you ask the friend/her mum why your DD decided to leave her friend's house instead of staying over?
Just went to her other grandparents and not there, he phoned her Dad not there, came home and then she just came in! She had got 2 buses down to my Mum's, sat on her doorstep for 2 hours and 2 buses back. Really really wish I'd drove down to my Mum's!! Didn't think she would go there if she thought no-one was home. Gave her huge hug, apologised for losing my temper and slapping her and gave her her phone back. Now making her her favourite tea and going to run her over to her friends. She said her and her friends just thought it would be better to have sleepover tonight rather than last night? She just seemed to be acting really out of character, but she said me and step-dad were looking at her really suspiciously. Her friend did say she was high as a kite so maybe was a combination of her being hyper and me being exhausted! Just so glad she is safe and well was really starting to worry. So true about teen girls loving the drama, her friends have been in tears and so glad she is ok...they wanted to go out looking for her!!
Also my dd says since she has been on bbm and facebook it is all saying she is missing as her friends have put missing alerts on for her
Thanks for support and advice
So glad she has turned up - giver her her favourite tea and have a quiet night in together. Tomorrow maybe do a mum and daughter trip to the shops. You must be so relieved.
That's good. Next time try not to over react so much!
Thanks goodness! You must be so relieved. Hope you Enjoy a nice quiet evening
Yep I'm definitely going to try and not over react & not lose my temper & to listen to what she is saying
If she was meant to be on a sleep over then came home, Obviously something happened whilst she was at her friends house which has upset her. Does she have a boyfriend or were there boys there? You would have been able to smell if she had been drinking and the fact she got so upset suggests something else wrong. Bullying or peer pressure to do something at her friends house seems more likely especially the age she is. Having such a young sibling may have distracted you from noticing your daughters behavour changing. The police wont class her as missing until a certain number of hours have elapsed anyway.
agree with happydad - something happened. but suggest you leave it now, till doing something uncontroversial together, in a few weeks, and chatting about nothing in particular. it will prob come up then
Spoke with dd & she said her friends mum had said her & friend could stay but she was going out & then friends dad ha said they were not staying. Friend then said they could stay tonight and her dad would be more laid back as would be finished for Christmas holidays think that really was all there was too it. Not totally convinced she wasn't under some influence last night but just glad she's safe and want us all to have a nice Christmas
Good happy ending.
I have a lot of sympathy with the OP who got pushed too far by the kind of teenage attitude that none of our parents would ever have accepted.
hopefully daughter has also learned something, and has apologised in her turn. No tango is a solo.
Aw thank you special I had gone up to speak to her as calmer than my dh! Then with her attitude something snapped in me & I'm still not 100% that something hadn't been going on think she has learned something and definitely that we care. She said she thought I wouldn't of been bothered & would still be mad when she got back...quite typical teenage stuff. I'm really glad that when she was really upset the place she wanted to go to was my mums
It's very easy to handle situations badly in the early teenage years, when your DC are giving you new things to deal with every day! But you really do need to do things differently next time, clutter, or I think you are going to have a lot of problems...
Firstly, your reactions and behaviour were unfair. Teenagers' plans do fall through. Your DD texted you to let you know; she asked for what she wanted (coming home later than usual, at 10pm, as a sort of 'consolation prize' for not getting the sleepover she'd wanted); she had a bit of an argument about times (like they do); she agreed to compromise (and come home at 9pm) and then she stuck to it.
So in a nutshell, she communicated with you fully and left her friends/social gathering/party/FUN and came home early - even though she'd been hoping to have a sleepover and must have been disappointed - not because she wanted to, but because you wanted it and told her to.
This is really good - your DD behaved very well!
When she got home, she could reasonably have expected you to say "Hey, hi! Thanks for sticking to our agreement. You must be really disappointed you didn't get your sleepover. And I appreciate that you came home earlier than you wanted to. Thanks!"
But instead, you gave her a hard time, sent her to her room, carried the argument on by following her upstairs, took her phone, grounded her and then slapped her.
If you are not very careful, and if you do not recognise and appreciate when your DD communicates and compromises with you, she will stop doing it. There are other, much worse ways your DD could have handled the situation last night, and she might choose one of these next time. She could have ...
- Told you about the cancelled sleepover, but just refused to come home early, and come back at the time she wanted.
- Agreed to come home at 9pm, but actually not turned up until the time she wanted... Or even later, to 'get back at you' for being unfair.
- Not bothered to text you to tell you the sleepover was cancelled until later - 'til after 9pm, or after 10pm, or until whenever the friend's dad actually kicked them out (this happened with/to my DS once at midnight, after the last bus had gone)...
- Not bothered to tell you the sleepover was cancelled at all, and gone somewhere else - perhaps just to another friend's house, or perhaps going with another friend to see if they could get in to a pub or club... And you may never have known where she was...
The alcohol issue is a separate one IMO. You never get anywhere discussing alcohol/drugs with teenagers who are actually still drunk/stoned/otherwise intoxicated - you need to leave any/all discussion until they are sober again.
If you really feel you must, the only sensible thing to say when they come home drunk/stoned is "Hmm, well thanks for sticking to our agreement, but I'm not happy you've been drinking... I'll talk to you about that in the morning. Good night".
Usually, the best time for these conversations is the next day, but you lost your chance on this occasion... I think you probably need to leave it until the next time she asks to go out somewhere, and say "Yes, sure - but if you come back drunk like last time, you will be grounded and you won't be going anywhere else for a while".
Oh and teenagers love drama... Your mum definitely gave very good advice when she said "she'll probably come back home at tea-time and I shoudn't panic and just act very blase' when she returns".
It's a bit ironic that most of us mums don't get wise until after our own kids have stopped being difficult!
Thanks flow4 really good advice and do think myself & dh handled the whole situation really badly. I think that I need to appreciate how good she is. I did speak to her about the situation a couple of nights later when things were much calmer & she is still denying that she was under the influence of anything. I'm worried that she is experimenting with legal highs, it is terrifying me! I am probably quite distracted sometimes with very lively energetic demanding 3 year old ds and do maybe miss my dd's needs. I think having a 13 year old dd & 3 year old ds is so incredibly hard. Maybe I need to read some self help book for raising teenage daughters!
clutter. Have you read this book?
Maybe she hadn't taken anything... I think it's easy to underestimate the energy kids that age have, and how manic they can be when they're excited but over-tired - as bad as hyper toddlers, IMO! You're right you need to find a way to give your 13 yo as much attention as your 3 yo, tho' in different ways..
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