Violent daughter(15 Posts)
Hello, I am new to this and don't know where to start.
I have a daughter (18) and a son (20). Last night daughter broken my glasses, ripped my hearing aid from my ear, dragged me on to the floor by my hair, gave me a black eye and then walked out and we have not seen her since. My husband says it it my fault because of the way I have bought the kids up (he works away for months on end and has never been particularly pro-active with them). Son has learning difficulties and has caused us no end of problems over the years and daughter has never really accepted that he has had to be parented differently to her. The disagreement last night was about the use of the car. Am I missing something? Can I really have got it so wrong all these years. My sister and father have both criticised my parenting skills (sister has not even got kids!). Maybe if I am actually that bad at this parenting shit, I should move out and leave them too it. I hate ever single moment of being a mother and wished I had not bothered. I do think that they will be better without me. None of them would notice if I was not here, in fact, I think they would be overjoyed.
Oh WTF, you need MaryZ on here fast! You are NOT a bad parent! Has she ever been this violent before, or is it the first time. She is an adult, and should be reponsible for her actions. You could hve her charged with assult, especially if it is not the first time, she has no right to be this violent to you, no matter what here supposed reason was.
Oh WTF, I am so sorry. This is domestic violence, and the terrible thing about it is that you are subject to abuse from more than one person.
The first thing to say is that it is not your fault. Your daughter assaulted you. She had a choice about how she behaved, and she is responsible for her own actions. This would be true even if she were 13-14 - let alone 18. You are not responsible - she is. You haven't got anything wrong - she has.
You do not deserve this. You deserve to feel safe and be safe. If you are attacked, threatened or hurt like this again, I advise you to call 999. Lots of us here have done that, including me. The police will take this very seriously, and they will come quickly to help you, and they will warn your daughter or arrest her - depending on what you want. You will find lots of us agree that this is what you should do. If a member of your family is so out of control of their own behaviour that they threaten you or hurt you, then you must take action to protect yourself, and 'draw a line'.
The best thing about calling the police is that it shows your daughter (and the rest of the family) very clearly that you will not tolerate violence. Most of us who have been driven to call the police only have to do it a very few times, maybe only once. Once a teenager realises you are serious, they can usually stop themselves.
You need back-up from your husband, but you are not getting it. In fact you are getting extra abuse. His response is so horrible that I admit I wondered whether your daughter has 'learned' to be abusive and violent towards you by watching her dad...
You say you want to move out. Well, because your children are older, leaving them may actually be a real option. So if you want to leave, do. If you do not want to leave, then telling your daughter to leave is also an option. Neither reaction would be unreasonable. You deserve a better life than this.
Come and join us on this thread:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/1598441-MaryZs-support-thread-for-parents-of-troubled-teenagers . You will find people describing their experiences and supporting each other. Teenage violence against parents is pretty taboo - you won't find many people talking about it in real life - but we do talk about it here. You are not alone. Keep talking to us, and people will try to help.
Good god, you have been violently beaten and your husband tells you it is your fault?
This is shocking and very serious.
I actually don't know what to do, but couldn't read and not post. You need proper help urgently.
I am sure someone knowledgable will be along shortly but in the meantime please hang in there and believe that this does not have to continue a moment longer.
I am so sorry for what you are going through.
wtf65 That sounds absolutely awful to be physically abused by your dd and then blamed for it by your Dh.
* flow4* has given good advice. Do call the police if it happens again.
You need to show that you will not be bullied like this. Domestic violence perpetrated by children is a very taboo subject. It's an emotionally complex fucked up situation for all involved. When it becomes physical violence, whatever the circumstances ,it is never ok or justified.
My ds is sometimes very aggressive and violent mainly verbally and smashing things. Thanks to the support of others on MN I have come to realise that I owe it to myself, the rest of the family and my ds to draw a line. The next time my DS loses it I' am going to call the police.
Your daughter is monumentally angry about something, but she is an adult and she needs to address it herself. In the meantime I second what people say about involving the police, and I would throw her out the house rather than leave myself, via an injunction. Tough love.
I agree, Boffin, that the DD is very angry. Teenagers often are. There are real reasons for them to be, and not-so-real. Most of them are pretty powerless in their own lives and that makes some of them furious. A lot of them are also angry with themselves, IMO, because they can see themselves behaving or handling situations badly.
And for almost all teenagers, mum is the person closest to them; the easiest and safest person to dump all their anger on. It's understandable, but it is never justifiable. Everyone - especially every adult - needs to learn to manage their own anger so they control it and do not use it to hurt people, even or especially the people closest to them.
I have learned (to my cost, over several years) that if you are a mother of a teenager who behaves violently towards you, it does not help to try to understand the reasons. Trying to understand the reasons keeps you locked into a situation where you believe, and your child believes, that you are responsible for their behaviour: that if only you could work out why they were behaving like this, you could stop them. But you can't: only they can stop themselves. Whatever the reasons, as bubby said, it is not OK to be violent.
Most of us do already (kind of) know this. But when you're caught up in it, it is so easy to forget. Because you do feel that somehow it must be your 'fault' if your child behaves like this. Our whole culture tells us children's bad behaviour is mothers' fault. Personally, I thank goodness that I have another child who is (by comparison to DS1) delightful, or I would definitely have thought I was a shit mum.
In the OP's case, last night the 'reason' was the car. No doubt if the OP had lent the car (or filled it with petrol, or paid the insurance, or polished it nicely, or whatever ), DD will claim she would not have 'had' to lose her temper. But that is b*ll*cks. Of course it is. Other people deal with not getting what they want without becoming a violent thug. DD will probably say, and maybe believe, that if only the OP hadn't made her angry, she wouldn't have been violent. But the problem is not getting angry - everyone gets angry - the problem is that she is losing control of her anger and using it as an excuse to be violent.
WTF, my DS was angry with me for calling the police, and incredulous. That was at least partly because I had not 'drawn a line' before. I dealt with months and months of bad and violent behaviour, trying to work out 'why' and what I could do about it, before the penny dropped for me. When he said "How could you?!", what I said to him was "I can't stop you. You have to stop yourself. And if you don't, then I have to call for reinforcements like the police." Maybe these words will help you too.
If I were you, I think I would call the police this morning and have your daughter arrested. She has assaulted you, and if you have a black eye, there is enough evidence for the police to charge her with assault and actual bodily harm. I am not you of course, and only you can decide what you will do in this situation. I'm not pretending it will be easy - it will be difficult. But the alternatives to not making a report today are bad: either you wait for the next attack, and then call 999; or you wait for the next attack, and you don't call the police, and it happens again, and maybe again and again.
You can't control their behaviour, but you can control yours. Take some action to keep yourself safe. You deserve to be safe, and happy.
Even if (and it is very unlikely) you were the worst parent in the entire world, even if (and it is also unlikely) you have brought your children up in the worst possible way, there is no way you deserve this type of treatment.
Your dd is 18. She is no longer a child, she is an adult so what she has done is criminal assault and would not be permitted by any other person. If you dh, your neighbour or a complete stranger hurt you like this you would be calling the police so you must do it to her.
And if you feel it is too late this time, you need to sit down with her (or if she won't sit down, write her a letter) and make is absolutely 100% clear that if she ever is violent with you again you will be calling 999 and the police will arrest her for assault.
Having made that clear, you need to have a bit of a think about your life. And hers. Because long term you both sound very unhappy, and if she is to have "normal" relationships as an adult she needs to start now. If she no longer likes you and no longer wants to live with you, that's fine, she can move out.
Don't you move out of your home. You need to go to your gp, get referred to counselling. You can't change them, you can change yourself and how you react to them, and that starts with improving your self-confidence, having a bit of self-worth, and making decisions about your own life.
Don't feel guilty - lots of us have survived this, and come out the other end. Think of this incident as rock-bottom - the only way now is up .
Come back and talk to us, we can help I'm sure.
Are you still there, WTF?
Generally, I would agree with the people who say you should not move out. And you should not have to. But you will need your husband's support to tell your daughter to leave - and from what you say, it sounds like you might not get it. If not, then your safest, happiest, easiest option might be for you to leave. Even if you 'shouldn't have to'.
Also (and this is a very presumptuous thing for me to suggest, so forgive me, and ignore me if I'm wrong) I have an uneasy feeling that it may not only be your daughter who is being abusive. Your husband's response is so shockingly unsupportive that it makes me wonder whether abusing you just feels 'normal' to him. If you are experiencing abuse from (an)other family member(s) as well as your daughter, you may decide that leaving is your best option.
One of the worst things about being a victim of domestic violence is that you feel powerless. I am only suggesting that you might want to leave because this is something you can do - it might give you back some control - if it's what you want.
But I've started to speculate. I'll shut up!
Thanks for all your wonderful and supportive responses. One thing I think I need to make clear is that my DH is not, and never has been, abusive either physically or verbally. He is however a thoughtless prat at times who opens his mouth before thinking!
Daughter has now been gone since Sunday evening with one text saying that she was staying with a friend. DH has tried to ring her today but she refuses to answer.
As I am obviously not good at the parenting shit, I have decided not to bother phoning her or attempting to contact her in anyway. I have suggested to DH that he takes a case of her stuff to school tomorrow and leave her too it.
I am considering going to the police station tomorrow to see what they suggest. We have had to call the police before and she took no notice of them at all. I don't know where she is staying so they would have to visit her at school which may be difficult.
The next problem is we were due to go away for Christmas. Do we go and leave her here or do we cancel. I have no desire to see her or spend a single moment with her but the questions from family when we turn up without her could be unbearable especially as we are going to stay with my sister who is critical of my child rearing skills anyway.
Thanks again everyone for your overwhelming support. It really means a lot to know that someone out there has even the tiniest clue about how I am feeling.
I think you should go to the police just so that they have it on record. If you don't want them to follow through they won't, but you can tell her you have done it, and that if it ever happens again you will call 999 and get her taken away.
And they will take her away, now that she is 18, and keep her away, so she will then realise that she cannot treat you like this. Don't call her, don't chase her, she will come back in time. If you want to send a non-emotional text say something like "I expect an apology for your behaviour, we do not tolerate violence in this house. You can come back when you are prepared to be civil, if you don't want to come back your dad can drop some things to you. Let me know what you decide".
About Christmas - do what you want to do. Do you want to go to your sister? Would you rather stay at home with the tv remote and a turkey dinner from M&S?
If you decide to go, just go. Don't apologise or make excuses for her. Just go the three of you, and tell your sister that she decided not to come. If you are asked why, tell them to ask her.
Stop taking the blame for this. The past is the past, and looking back at what you might have done, or could have done, or should have done is soul-destroying. Start from now, today, and make some decisions for you.
Flow is right in that if you are not happy in your home and want to leave you should. But if you are happy there, then she should leave if she can't be civil.
And I really think you need to have someone in real life to talk to. If you have a friend you can be 100% honest with who will listen without judging or making suggestions, that will help a bit. Even better would be counselling - I suspect you may be depressed and run down, so a trip to the gp for a chat would do no harm.
When I finally went to see my gp I sat in front of her and burst into tears and just sobbed. I felt pretty stupid, but it was a turning point for me [hsmile]
That's appalling. There's family rows and there's beating someone up - well, DD is on the path to learning to behave or learning to live elsewhere.
You don't sound as if you like her much. Where else could she go? A break might help for both of you.
If you tell your family why you aren't coming for Xmas, if they are worth anything they'll understand. Mind you, you might want to ask them if anyone would take DD before you explain why.
^ ^ What Mary says..."Start from now, today, and make some decisions for you " is especially good advice.
I'm glad your DH is decent (and sorry - I just felt it was better to ask than not). Will he back you up if you decide you don't want your DD to come back to live with you?
I think I have this right, you have been assaulted by your DD in your own home and the people closest to you blame your parenting skills? No wonder you seem to be blaming yourself and feeling like you're a bad parent, despite bringing up two children, one with special needs pretty much single handed. I feel angry for you.
It's so difficult when you are subjected to domestic violence from your child, you feel guilty and that somehow you have done something to deserve it, having been in a similar situation to you, I know I did. But you don't deserve to be assaulted by anyone . You have a right to be safe in your own home. To that end you have to report this assault to the police, if you don't, it is likely that it will happen again if and when she returns home and it will escalate. If you daughter comes home, you will need to set clear boundaries, of respect for you and that you will not tolerate violence; this needs to supported and backed up by your DH so that you present a united front.
As for Christmas, go to your sisters if that is what you want to do, it may help to phone ahead to tell her that DD won't be coming and that you aren't prepared to discuss why.
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