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Year11 DS - help!

(8 Posts)
hadagutsfull Wed 05-Dec-12 12:24:31

My sil is a single parent & at times i think it must be so hard for her, and you, and all single parents as you have no-one to share the troubles with. Trouble is though when you & and your partner don't agree on what is/isn't important or acceptable. This is often the case with me & DH and it just makes it all the more difficult!

DS has gone off to school today & I'm just dreading the phone ringing. I didn't tell DH about the truanting yesterday but told DS i will if there's any more of it. It seems like one step forward and two back all the time ...

flow4 Tue 04-Dec-12 22:41:45

I'm a single parent, so never have any back-up... But I often think it's more difficult to think you have support and find yourself let down, than to know you're on your own...

hadagutsfull Tue 04-Dec-12 21:09:11

Thank you flow - I'll try to remember your comment about most of it seeming to have sunk it. It's so hard to realise you can't control what they do - or don't do - isn't it? I think I've failed as a parent and that I should somehow be able to get through so that he does listen and take notice. I don't mean I want to control him, just to help him make the right choices. But then I never listened to my parents at his age so why did I think it would be different?

I haven't come across that book - thanks for the link - have had a quick scan & will go back to look properly now. Got no chance of DH reading it! I mentioned earlier that DS feels he's not proud of him and the response was "well it's about time he started doing something to make me feel proud" hmm That's the sort of attitude I'm up against!

flow4 Tue 04-Dec-12 19:34:03

It all sounds horribly familiar, hadaguts sad I can't suggest how you can make him see sense, because I never managed it... My DS had to push things right to the edge before he re-took control of his life.

But what I did do is carry on commenting on his behaviour - giving the 'moral messages' - even when I couldn't control anything. I felt was totally powerless to actually make him do anything or stop him from doing anything, but I kept saying things like "I can't stop you doing X, but it's still wrong"... Most of it does seem to have sunk in... smile

Have you come across 'Raising Boys' by Steve Biddulph? It is a useful book, and has some really interesting things to say about the importance of fathers 'stepping up' to parent teenage boys. Worth getting your husband to have a read smile

hadagutsfull Tue 04-Dec-12 18:15:52

Thanks mama - that's a good point. DS did say that he's given up with DH, that he never praises only criticises, and he has a point there - I've said the same to DH about myself. I'm really struggling with trying to be fair but not giving him too much freedom and always feel like I'm stuck in the middle between them. I'm so worried that DS is just going to leave school next year and just drift if he doesn't get the apprenticeship he wants. I know he doesn't want to stay on at school - and can't see that it will do him any good - but when I mentioned going to college if he doesn't get the apprenticeship that was met with a negative response too. It could all just be bravado of course - I certainly hope so. Other people seem to be able to have sensible conversations with their teens!

gardeningmama Tue 04-Dec-12 18:01:42

Just a quick word and I'll try and fill in more later, but my first reaction is that you shouldn't have to take all the weight of this by yourself and if dh is busy, he should be helping if he can, even if it's just backing you up and supporting you. Perhaps brace yourself and broach it with dh, let the rant ensue, weather your way through it and calmly come back to the point - you need dh to just listen to the facts, to assure you that he will back you up and that he will perhaps try and have a quiet, supportive word with ds too. If his work is keeping him really busy assure him you just need back up and don't expect him to take the lead. An ideal world maybe, but you need a double pronged, united approach to this. Perhaps ds feels the lack of his dad's in put at this difficult teen time? Good luck.

hadagutsfull Tue 04-Dec-12 17:41:00

Have just moved this from Maryz support thread following flow's suggestion. Thank you to anyone who's made it to the end!

DS is home now and I've talked to him about what's gone on today and yesterday. Kept it all very calm, didn't shout and tried to make him see the consequences of his actions. The only response from him is that the teachers are 'pathetic', he's not going to stand and listen when he's done nothing wrong, he just wants everyone to leave him alone. I can't make him see that if he behaved in the right way we would all leave him alone - I don't want to have to keep on at him! He's now gone upstairs, music blasting, and someone has just rung him to go out and it soulds like he's getting ready. I just feel so out of my depth and don't know what to do - I really didn't think it would be like this ....

hadagutsfull Tue 04-Dec-12 17:34:27

I have been lurking on Maryz's support thread for a while now, feeling sympathy for all those who've posted and taking comfort that I'm not the only one - I hope that doesn't sound selfish!

Am at home from work today off sick. Just had a call from Deputy Head regarding DS's latest antics. Apparently the same Deputy caught him trying to truant from a lesson yesterday but had a chat with him and sent him on his way - didn't report it or log it in any way, tried the reasonable approach. Fast forward to this morning and DS left the school site after registration and returned again about 30 minutes later with some younger boys. Again he was sent on his way, which shows that - despite what he says - not all the teachers are on his back! The call home (the latest in a long line) was to keep me informed and also to let me know that they don't want to exclude him but he's pushing it that way.

This sounds petty to what a lot of you have/are going through, sorry, but there's a lot of back history too. I know that he's smoked weed in the past and suspect that he still sometimes does. He's mentioned that a lot of kids in school take Mcat but I don't know if has although he says not. He does have major mood swings at times. He's hanging around with boys that I would prefer him not to and just doesn't seem to be able to shape up and take control of his future. He wants to apply to a particular company when he leaves school (which could be next year and he'll still only be 15 - August bday) and KNOWS that he needs to get 5 GCSEs to even be considered. He is very capable but just coasts along doing the bare minimum. If he would only give a little bit more effort he could do so much better.

How can I make him see sense? I don't think he really does want to spend his days hanging around on street corners smoking weed but sometimes I think that's where he'll end up. Other times he can be great - we spent a lovely day together on Sunday, shopping and then having a meal. DH is working ridiculously long hours at the moment and is like a bear with a sore head so I try to avoid mentioning anything to him because it just all erupts into a major row, but nothing ever gets resolved. It's just like going round and round in the same old circle.

I find myself being suspicious of DS all the time. When he's angry and being bloody awful I don't like him, when he's out I'm wondering who he's with and what he's doing, and when he's nice I'm wondering what's coming next! These teenage years are awful. I grieve for my lovely little boy and just wonder what the future will bring. This has gone on a bit hasn't it, sorry! Should post little and often ...

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