Back story, DH and EXw divorced about 6 yrs ago. Both have set up new homes and are re married. DSC spend one night and every sat night through to sunday after teatime with us. We all live very close by.
Divorce was amicable in the end but I suspect, and I have been told by others that DSD2 struggled when her mum left her dad (she moved in with a new partner and that's why the marriage ended). I understand that DSD2 has always been a bit clingy and attention seeking and was a tantrumy child (this is from both sides of the family). However she is a lovely girl, capable of great kindness and full of love- she is a bit immature for her age and she has not started her periods yet.
DH and I have been together for 4 years and I have always had a very good relationship with her and her siblings.
ExW (her mum) is a bit "funny" about food, which may be relevant. She is allergic to a lot of things and they never have take outs or go out for meals, she also lives and eats very frugally from what I can gather. Mum is a fitness fanatic (gym every night and runs, does triathlons).
15 DSD is obsessed by food is putting on weight big style (I would say 3 stones over the past year) and it is beginning to cause DH concern.
- she actually calls to ask what is for tea, lunch or can she have a take out
- she constantly asks when we will be eating be it tea lunch ect when she is here
- when she is here she takes the lead in deciding what to eat for the others so they often have what she wants
- she often has issues with what we are eating- if she doesnt "like" it she will force a decision to change or simply make herself a pile of what she wants
- she often decides to dislike something just to get what she wants (see above)
- she spends a good deal of her pocket money on food for herself. I understand that her mum rations her PM and also asks for receipts when she comes home from shopping with her friends
All this would be cause for concern alone but she is also getting fat (she is a size 16/18 at 15) she does no exercise and as well as being obsessed by food she overeats and eats very unhealthily. Yesterday she had, amongst the usuals
KFC in town with mates
Indian meal with us (all high fat choices)
This morning she had large bowl of cereal, croissant and then the leftover takeaway from the fridge, she had also had (we didnt realise this) a bag of crisps and also some Roses chocolates she had been given which were in her room, then wanted some bacon sandwiches for lunch. A good 2000 calories at least by midday and all high fat. When we have a chinese takeaway she chooses duck pancakes, chips and egg fried rice!!
My DH and I are in a difficult position. She is with her mum five days of the week but we both accept that her mum is NOT allowing her to gorge and help herself, quite the reverse and actively removes food/does not have it in the house. We don't do the same here and we do have a fair amount of "nice stuff" which the other two kids are relatively good at rationing themselves to. Although I suspect we are a bit more forgiving than her mum is, this situation, I do not feel is driven by us having a house of plenty which she is getting fat on in less than two days a week. I don't want to have a house where food is locked away!!
My DH thinks that his exW is unlikely to ask for help (she is a very private person) but we suspect that she is struggling too (reference back to her insisting that she sees receipts from shopping trips). DH thinks she will be on board and will be willing to set the wheels in motion. Difficulty is, that she blames DH as he has bad eating habits!!
I know that this is a well trodden road. I am hoping that some of you have at least something to share to help us. We have tried talking to her without any reference to diets or weight or anything negative. The fact of the matter is, she does not think she has a problem, refering to herself as "being slim" yesterday and how she "hasnt had anything to eat"
I am also acutely aware (as an outsider) that she has issues which could be caused by her parents splitting up, which is the elephant in the room. Food to her, is love. I am not sure that my DH "gets" this. I am just as aware that it may be considered by some, as just not my place to get involved. However, I think I am hearing a cry for help. I have no children of my own.