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update on dd1, 17, suicidal. More advice needed.

(11 Posts)
justkeepgoing Wed 14-Nov-12 16:50:56

First of all things are a little better. Is 4 weeks today since I found those goodbye letters, we have been through a lot and more has emerged which led to the total breakdown.

Over half term and the following week or 2 we shut the doors took turns in working and were pretty much on 'suicide watch' - just hanging at home, doing nothing really, she did her art (she does art a level). We met her therapist who is brilliant and we established code for when she wasn't coping - i.e. didn't feel safe from her impulses. She now feels much more safe, though we don't let her be on her own except at night. Dispite giving her the option of chucking in school for this year, she wanted to stay (good sign?). The school was good - she had a week off and now is managing part time school for 2 out of 3 subjects - just going in for those lessons, though she doesn't always make it. The 3rd a level we are helping out best we can at home with a teacher doing an hour one to one once a week in his own time (bless him). A-levels don't matter now, there are other years to do them, but the routine helps us all.

Word has got out at school that she is low and her friends have been so nice to her. Amazingly, 1 of the bitchy girls came around to our house to apologise - got to hand it to her, that shows some strength. Eating and sleeping is still a problem, I think she is vomiting sometimes, but I can't face tackling that just yet.

So a lot better - there is still a long road I think, but at least not actively suicidal and I can see a future, I can see a light.

But, I feel so ANGRY. Not with dd1, I feel so sorry for her, she is easy to live with - more withdrawn than bulshy. No it is with her ex bf.

We have done lots of chatting, dd1 and I and a few things she has said made wonder if she had been pregnant. Last week I asked her directly and it emerged that after she broke up with him in june she kept on seeing him over the summer, and kept on sleeping with him, even though he had no intension of getting back together with her - I know, I know, she shouldn't, but remember she was already getting low and she was vulnerable, and so needy - but HE KNEW THAT and used her anyway. Even giving him the benefit of the doubt, that he probably still had feelings for her (they were very 'in love' for a long time) HE STILL KNEW SHE WAS STRUGGLING. It was at the end of the summer that she finally said to him I can't do this any more and that was when he got nasty. Even worse, when they got back to school she realised she was pregnant.

He would have nothing to do with it, He met up with her just once, just texted her back keep me in the loop and avoided her at school. She was going to keep it, she says, registered for antenatal with the GP, was about to tell us. She miscarried at 7 weeks. He just texted back good. Didn't speak to her. This was 3 weeks before I found the letters. How could I not know?? How is it that my poor daughter goes through this on her own, and can't tell me?? I can see how any kid would be nervous to tell their parents they were pregnant, but it is such an awful story. And I am SO ANGRY with him - he is fine, getting on with his life/mates/alevels/future and she is driven into the ground.

I want to tell his parents, I want to tell him what damage it has done - stringing her along all summer, leaving her pregnant. I can't talk to dh, he has become ill in the last month - one sided hearing loss and unsteadiness - he is having an mri scan of his ear for a neuromer (?) next week. I need advice, do I speak to the bf/parents? Do I just let it go, things are getting just a little better, all it might do is stir up a massive fight dd1 doesnt need. But I don't know how to cope with my anger. Thoughts anyone?

Lucyrobinson99 Wed 14-Nov-12 17:07:40

Sorry to hear that. What are his parents like? Do you know them? Are they respectable and would they take this seriously or be dismissive?

noteventhebestdrummer Wed 14-Nov-12 17:12:17

No, don't talk to them. You are angry at the wrong person but actually there is no right person to be angry with. You're just in a horribly difficult place and having to be so strong and aware for others that the temptation to hit out elsewhere is a big one.
Let it go. Hope your DD continues to do well.

justkeepgoing Wed 14-Nov-12 23:14:57

Lucy, I have met them , but don't know them well, except thru bf. They seem nice and I think they would be shocked. I suppose if I am honest I want them to be angry with him so he is hurt. Not a very pretty emotion.

But Noteven, I think he deserves some of my anger. While I can understand him not wanting to carry on a relationship with someone who is starting to become down, I really believe his behaviour over the summer/autumn has turned a bad situation into a disaster.

noteventhebestdrummer Thu 15-Nov-12 05:19:13

Yes, it sounds like it did. Anger is such a dangerous weapon though, I'm just not sure it will be healing for you to use it. You could write him a letter I guess? And then wait a while before deciding if you really want to send it?
I chose not to be angry with DS's GF who led him to drugs, violence, terrible life risking danger, leaving home and school. She and he are out the other side now and she has looked back in appalled, aware horror at what she did, made a brave and sincere apology which means a great deal. I would not have that consolation if I had alienated DS by anger. I know it's a completely different scenario but she would NOT have seen my viewpoint at the time.

Rascalls3 Thu 15-Nov-12 19:19:37

I think you have been really great parents and have done all you can for your daughter. Bless her. I don't think it would be a good idea to contact this boy's parents. A letter to him would be a better move - although I would think long and hard before sending it. He has obviously been a complete jerk and your daughter is well rid.
Write all your anger down, tell him exactly what you think of him-I'm sure it will help. Wait until you feel less raw before doing anything with it. In the end it might be better to burn the letter and wipe him out of your lives. Your daughter may want to write and burn her own letter to him.
Whatever you decide to do stay strong and don't waste any more time and energy thinking about him. He clearly doesn't deserve even your bad thoughts.
I really feel for you. Wishing your daughter and husdand a speedy recovery.

flow4 Thu 15-Nov-12 22:30:50

Oh just, it sounds like a heart-breaking situation - I am so sorry for your daughter and for you.

I understand why you are angry. Your daughter is hurting so much and you can't "make it better". If it were me, I would be feeling very powerless and frustrated and afraid for my DC.

I agree that your DD's Ex 'deserves' some of your anger. It is horrible to be 'dumped' and everyone who experiences it has felt angry with the person who did it - and your poor DD seems to have had a particularly nasty experience. It is selfish and horrible to carry on having sex with someone when you know you're no longer interested in a relationship. And he was truly insensitive and thoughtless and probably cowardly to treat her the way he did, and especially to be so dismissive of her pregnancy.

But just, the sad and difficult thing is that many, many teenagers are 'dumped' in horrible ways, but very few of them react by attempting suicide. Your DD's boyfriend behaved badly, but (and I am sorry if this is hard to hear)... but he is not responsible for her suicide attempt. Your poor DD was overwhelmed by her emotions, and must have felt desperate and terribly hurt and sad and hopeless... But this was not his fault. Another girl faced with the same treatment might have cried, or shouted, or shrugged, or gone out and got drunk, or slapped his face, or found another boyfriend, or felt relieved, or... or... or... It is so sad that your daughter felt such grief and desperation sad

just, there are good reasons for 'letting go' of the anger you feel towards him, I think. Firstly, feeling anger will make sure he stays inside her head, and yours. Anger maintains an emotional connection with him. But your DD needs to get him out of her head, and you need to help her with this. If you can let go of the anger, she can let go of him. And blame is very dis-empowering: if your DD feels like he 'did this to her', then she is less likely to feel like she has control over her own emotions. If she can believe that her emotions - even the bad ones - are hers, then she can believe that she actually does have the power to feel happy again, one day.

Mintyy Thu 15-Nov-12 22:36:46

You are obviously going through a hell of a lot of stuff right now and no one on the planet could blame you for feeling angry at your dd's ex boyfriend. But - is he the same or similar age as her? You seem to be expecting a very high level of emotional awareness/maturity in a 17 year old.

trulymadlydeeply Sat 17-Nov-12 06:00:24

Have thought about this and come back! I think you should tell your DDs ex boyfriend's parents about the pregnancy. I would want to know about my son's behaviour if he'd got his gf pregnant. However, I do also think that you should perhaps wait until things are calmer and more stable for your DD. Don't do anything in the heat of the moment! Where she is emotionally is not wholly to do with him, and he can only be held responsible for his own reaction to her pregnancy. I spoke to my DS about this, and he said the parents should know because her BF has acted "wrongly" to use his words.
A horrid situation. I do feel for you.

merlottits Sat 17-Nov-12 06:54:11

Aaah what a shame, your poor DD and poor you. How scary.

I agree that you shouldn't contact the boy and I don't think his parents either. You feel angry and want to blame someone for all this hurt. Really this is about your daughter and her healing. Teenagers break up all the time. Unplanned pregnancies happen. The very reason they are not ideal is because very often the players don't have the emotional maturity to deal with complex issues.
I made some crap decisions as a teenager/young adult - dumped nice people, slept with men who loved me but I didn't love. I'm actually a good person.

How lovely to hear the teenage girls being so supportive, I bet that will go a long way towards your DD's healing.

What a lovely mum your DD has.

Rosa Sat 17-Nov-12 07:02:13

I think the parents should know that he got a girl pregnant even if she did miscarry. Yes of course some of your anger is directed at him , he hurt your daughter . However , I don't think taking it out on him will do any good...even if it might make tou feel a bit better!!!!!
Hope your dd continues to get better -

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