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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

DS accused of assaulting another pupil at school

24 replies

opher · 05/11/2012 13:24

before half term my DS was suspended from school for assaulting a friend, the incident from what i can gather happened like this, the other child was winding my DS up, in reaction my DS then got the other child into a head lock and managed to cut the boys hand with a scapel that he had in his hand. The other child ended up with a small cut on his hand. The school dealt with the whole issue by suspending DS for four days and as far as they are concerned the matter is now closed, they are putting this down to DS seeing red mist and have stated several times that this is behaviour is completely out of character for my son.
My real issue is that as far as DS is concerned he has done nothing wrong and the other child was in the wrong for winding him up. He didnt orginally tell me about the incident and I only found out when the school phoned and told me and then lied about what actually happened. Im really struggling with how to deal with the whole incident, I don't know what to say to him or how to punish him, its making home life very tense and stressful. I dont think he realises the severity of what has happened and the school have said that if he gets into trouble again he will be expelled and that the incident will go down on his school record which colleges will see when he applies in year 11 (hes currently in year 10.)
I hoping someone can give me some words of wisdom!!

OP posts:

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SecretSquirrels · 05/11/2012 15:07

He cut a child with a knife and doesn't realise the severity . He is very, very lucky that he wasn't permanently excluded or the police weren't involved. I'm surprised the child's parents haven't called them.
You haven't said what you have actually said to him about it. You must get the message home that he is in the wrong not the other child. No amount of "winding up" justifies violence.

opher · 05/11/2012 15:48

I've spoken to him at length about how this isn't acceptable and that I'm so disappointed in him. I'm at my wits end of how to get across to him how several this could have been, part of me thinks it might have been better if the police had been involved and then he may have got a wake up call as whatever I am saying is not getting through.

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seeker · 05/11/2012 15:52

He was suspended for 4 days for cutting somebody with a scalpel?????? No wonder he doesn't see the seriousness of what he's done- it doesn't look as if the school did either! No other sanctions? No anger management?

Tuttutitlookslikerain · 05/11/2012 15:56

Oh my word! I agree with Secret Squirrels, he is lucky the police weren't involved! They would have been had he have done that to either of my children!

I think he has got off really, really lightly, TBH! In what way have you punished him at home?

OneMoreChap · 05/11/2012 16:01

Cut someone with a blade?

Astonishing.
Lied to you about it ? I've spoken to him at length about how this isn't acceptable and that I'm so disappointed in him.

Hmm.
What sanction has he suffered?

Loss of mobile/games console/curfew?

stargirl1701 · 05/11/2012 16:01

Surely the lesson is not to get 'wound up'. He should learn to walk away. I think the involvement of the scalpel makes this a very serious matter. The police could've been called by either the school or the other child's parents.

izzywizzyisbizzy · 05/11/2012 16:03

I'm another who would have called the police - my ex SS was badly behaved in school and thought they wound my up was a good excuse - he went on to do horrendous things.

opher · 05/11/2012 16:45

I would have called the police if it had been the other way round. the school seem to have handled it very badly, several times they said they would call us and speak to DS about the incident but didn't do either, they just said they think it was a one off incident. I've taken away his tv, iPod and he's been grounded, he's also not allowed any treats such as cinema etc. as far as he is concerned I have ruined his life!! I've been looking at army cadets today to see if going to this will teach him discipline etc, does anyone think this is a good idea? Should I go back to the school and ask about anger management?

OP posts:

stargirl1701 · 05/11/2012 16:54

Maybe a strong word from his father? He must be appalled too. Have you read 'Raising Boys' by Steve Biddulph? Some good ideas.

Blu · 05/11/2012 17:03

Sympathies, opher. Very difficult situation for you. Does your council have anything of a youth service left? I am wondering if you could see if there are any anger management services on offer for young people in your area. Or e mail your council's CYPS department. Or ask your GP.

Would it work to research some examples of incidents in which someone has been wound up, lost it and ended up in prison?

I wonder if there is a youth mentoring facility in your area?

I thinkIi would go into school and discuss it with the Head of Year - he really could end up dead if he carries on like this and loses it with someone bigger and truly dangerous.

If you are in S London PM me and I will point you in the direction of a service that might help.

MrsPnut · 05/11/2012 17:06

I would call your local neighbourhood policing team and ask them to have a discussion with him about the seriousness of it. Our local team are very good at stuff like this and would rather do some preventative work than have to deal with kids later on.

Tuttutitlookslikerain · 05/11/2012 17:13

I completely and utterly disagree with the notion of sending children to Army Cadets (or the idea of bringing back national service) because they need disciplining. The young people I know who go to cadets usually want a career in the Forces, the people who run the cadets give up a lot of time and energy to do it. They run camps and trips and make the whole thing fun for the young people who want to be there.

It would be entirely unfair on all of them to have a person there who doesn't want to be there, but has been sent by their parents "to be disciplined". If your DS wants to go, then yes he might get something out of it, but at the end if the day, you are his parents, it is your job to discipline him.

I am so sorry you are going through all this. It sounds like you are banging your head up against a brick wall. If he thinks having his gadgets and treats withdrawn is ruining his life, I would carry on doing that until the severity of what he has done sinks in!

Poor you OP, you are in an unenviable position.

izzywizzyisbizzy · 05/11/2012 17:20

OP was it a one off?

seeker · 05/11/2012 17:20

I am biting my tongue over the idea of sending him to Army Cadets.

But I do think that some non screen based activity might be a good idea. A sport? Drama club?

opher · 05/11/2012 17:22

Thank you everyone for you suggestions, I have definitely felt like I am hitting my head against a brick wall. I'm going to contact my neighbourhood policing team and see if they will chat to him as mrspnut suggested. I don't think he actually used the scapel on purpose, the witness statements all said that he didn't realise he had it in his hand ( the incident happened during a graphics lesson) but what worries me is that if someone is winding him up in the future it could be an even worse situation.

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SecretCermonials · 05/11/2012 17:23

If your child did that to mine I would of involved the police! Assault with a deadly weapon, ABH? The injury is inconsequential! A scalpel is ridiculously sharp. What if he had knicked the boys vein? And he bled to death? Christ.

osterleymama · 05/11/2012 17:24

I think Mrsphunt's idea is a good one. Ask your local police team. He will get the fright you think he needs without the record or implications for the future.

SecretCermonials · 05/11/2012 17:27

Sorry OP but I cant get over the severity of the what ifs in the situation.

If he has such an explosive (potentially dangerous) temper, I dont see how a talk will help? From you or anyone else.
Has he seen anyone about the temper? Has he been punished by you?

Narked · 05/11/2012 17:34

The school said it was out of character? The witness statements say he didn't realise he had it in his hand?

What exactly happened before your son reacted?

opher · 05/11/2012 18:15

Apparently the other boy has been teasing him over a period of time saying that DS had had sex with a sheep, when the incident happened the other boy had put a photo of a sheep in DS workbook, DS then screwed the picture up and this was then put in his face again, DS reacted to this by putting him in a headlock and the incident occurred.

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SecretCermonials · 05/11/2012 18:18

Ok. That is provoction. And perhaps bullying?! However... The way your DS is minimising this, the way he lied and the way he says (and the school concurs) that he didn't realise about the scalpel surely means he needs help? When you say he has been punished (re read the posts) has he in taking these, accepted his actions were wrong? Can you get him access to a service (camhs or GP) to assess his anger? Is his reaction to provocation often like this?

ScarahScreams · 05/11/2012 18:22

Wow a scalpel
I would see how he would be mad enough to throw a punch after teasing like that but that is very severe. He could have killed the other boy if he was in a rage. Where on earth was the scalpel from?

opher · 05/11/2012 18:58

The scalpel was being used in a lesson to make stencils. He does say that he knows he is in the wrong but I think he's just saying that and doesn't fully mean it. I'm going to take him to see the gp on Friday to discuss it and also his form tutor on the same day. He has never reacted like this before but worried that he could react like this again if in a similar situation. I think he would actually really enjoy army cadets as has expressed an interest in the army as a career choice in the past.

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Tuttutitlookslikerain · 05/11/2012 20:13

If you think he might like Army Cadets because he is interested in joining the Forces, if I were you I would have a serious chat with him about it, once all this has died down a bit TBH. You don't want him to feel he is being forced into going as a punishment, it needs to be his own choice really.

Good luck with everything, opher, you are obviously doing your best to sort this out.

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