DO they ever get better?(28 Posts)
I don't come on often and last time I was talking about my 17yr old DD and her horrid attitude - Personally I have reconciled myself to the state we are in at the moment - she needs to feel that she comes from a horrid family (she doesn't), is hard done by (she isn't) and is controlled (she isn't) in order to make something of herself and her life - she thinks we are a dysfunctional family when actually now she is the dysfunctioning member - the rest of us are okay - normal but okay. Basically, she can't put a finger on why she dislikes us all (me especially) so much but she does and she seems unable to change. I feel our relationship is getting to the point where I can't see a why back for her - she is so disparaging, still flinches if I touch her (apparently it's impossible to control! SHe has been told to stop), and basically hates me.
So be it. I love her dearly but I don't like her at the moment. If I was her friend and she treated me like this I would drop her very, very quickly. So I have stopped involving her and thinking about making her happy, stopped trying to buy her love back,, if she wants something she can buy it herself (I buy all basics etc) but anything extra is now her responsibility. For the first time in my life I am treating my children differently depending on their behaviour. Be nice to me and I am nice to you - she isn't nice so she doesn't get the extras. I've accepted that, this is the way it is, she is just waiting to leave home and I accept that as what she should do and am trying to help organise it for her next stage in education (post A levels) - not that she wants help. It is our job as parents to encourage our children to leave us as fully fledged well functioning adults with the back up of home when needed. She still has that.
Anyway, my question is . . . how long will it be before she realises how much she has 'made up' in her head about how horrid we are and will we ever be able to have a good mother / daughter relationship again or has that gone forever? At the moment I can't see us ever being close again - not until the day her own daughter does the same to her. So 20? 24? 36? never?
What experiences do others have?
DD1 will be 18 very soon. She has been alternately foul/emotionally absent since the day she turned 13. I have spent most of this week in tears at her inability to sort her shit out (re uni application) and DP (who is not her father) and I are arguing all the time about her. He can't wait for her to move out (and would sling her out tonight if he could) as he thinks she's a waste of space. She's either wheedling because she's after something or sulking in her room. It's exhausting. I even looked into a rental property so I could throw her out myself a year ago, as I couldn't bear to be in the same space as her.
For some crazy reason, I agreed months ago to give her a party for her birthday, which is also winding DP up, as we haven't had a holiday for nearly 4 years, and he's furious about the cost (although part of me thinks he can fuck right off because it's not his money anyway - I pay for everything for my DDs from my marriage).
DD2 is 15 and much more sparky. She's a messy little trollop, but fun, and she knows what she wants out of life, unlike DD1 who is a drifter. We have the occasional row, but I enjoy her company.
I too find it very difficult to like my 'children' much (21, 19 and 16). I've been putting up with their hysteria, rudeness and aggression since the eldest was about 13. 7 years! Stealing from me, lying, absconding from home, not attending school, taking overdoses when they fell out with friends/siblings, swearing at me, physically assaulting me... I could go on and on. All 3 have been 'challenging'. I always stand up to them and tell them the behaviour is not acceptable and will not be tolerated, but there seems to be little comeback. Admittedly, the first two are getting better (one is abroad and one at uni), but the boy, the youngest, is foul. We have no relationship: he doesn't speak to me or make eye contact with me, and he's an unpleasant, dirty person to share a house with (I have been separated from their father for about 6 years, no wonder, almost certainly a link there). I wish I could see the good side to him - there must be one there somewhere - but I think it's like a period of mourning in a way, for those delightful babies and younger children, who were joyful. Hey ho. I can't wait until he's 18, then I'm off, and I can revert to being a person whom others respect. I expect I am almost certainly one of those 'toxic mothers'.
They DO get better honest.
Just stick to what you think is right and have faith that somewhere, some time they will remember these tough days, remember that you stuck the course, live up to your example..... and bitterly regret the way they treated you.
I know what little, foul b****ds they can be, but I do believe that any effort you make with people, your DC in particular, is never lost and does go in at some level. Try to stay calm and kind. <repeats mantra to self>
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