Ds expelled for refusing to respect rules.

[Libellune]

DS16 has been kicked out of his weekly boarding school for bunking off too many times. He only started boarding in September. He's told us he likes it and it's been such a relief for the rest of us since he started boarding to have some space from his difficult behaviour.
He just feels that certain lessons hold little interest for him and therefore he won't bother attending them. He's still allowed to go to the school , but will have to come home each night.
How can i teach him to respect the rules before he gets kicked out of school as well ? Punishments have little effect, neither do withholding privileges and if I ground him he'll just go off anyway. He seems incapable of seeing the bigger picture and will do as he pleases even if the long term consequences are bad for him.

[gemblags1980]

Hi

Sorry you are having a difficult time at the moment, can I ask what is it that your son wants to do after school ? It's just that in terms of the bugger picture, even if he dosent like something if he can see why he has to do it, in a practical rather than a legal sense he will attend the lessons.

Also what support have the school offered ? There may be other reasons why your son is not intrested in particular lessons or they may need to look at other ways to intrest him. The other thing is with him being so close to exams it may be worth having a meeting to look at what exams he is going to take or if a vocational option is more appropriate , it may be worth bringing the careers service in here.

In terms of his behaviour what support if any are you all getting to deal with this, and do you feel you need it, if so please mention this to the school or contact your local social care department , good Luke.

[VigourMortis]

He seems to have too much control over his life, in the typical way teenagers do, i.e. without the responsibility or awareness of consequences.

Have you lost out financially from him losing his boarding place?

It sounds like the boarding was working well for the family as a whole. Is there any chance that if you secure some promises from his re attending lessons they would have him back? Maybe the school have lost faith in your ability to sanction his behaviour and a show of strength would help, particularly since it doesn't sound like he has been disruptive.

YOu say you can't withhold privileges, can't ground him, etc. because that won't work. So, he has bunked off school and is still getting all his stuff? I would cut off all his privileges and set out what will happen since he doesn't respect you and what you give him. Take him for an appt to look around the local school.

I would get a bit crosser.

I have a had a school-refusing, difficult and rude teenager who is now working hard and doing well, mainly because we made it very uncomfortable for him do things any other way, but he was younger and I do realise it gets harder when they are nearly grown up, physically at least .

Do you have a parent support unit anywhere near you? I think very understandably, it is all starting to feel like 'he won't' and 'I can't' and talking it through, with or without him, may give you some clarity.

Good luck.

[flow4]

libellune, I'm sorry you're having a tough time. My own experience tells me that really, by this age, in the situation you describe, you only really have two options: throw him out, or hang on in there :(

You can't control his behaviour: he has to control it himself. You can only control your behaviour and reactions, and make sure you look after yourself (and younger DCs if you have any), because living with a 'challenging teen' can be incredibly stressful.

If I had my time again, I would have given my DS1 more opportunities to 'practice' self-control - on small things as well as big (he's now 17, and just beginning to grow out of an incredibly difficult couple of years, I hope!). I did a lot of bailing him out of difficult situations, but I don't think it did him any favours. I think some kids - definitely my son, and it sounds like yours - need to fall down one or two of the holes they dig themselves, before they learn to stop digging!

There have been some other recent threads about school problems with teenage boys. If you have a look through them, you may find some other posts that help:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/1589352-please-hold-my-hand-have-decided-to-try-backing-off-with-ds-15

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/1590251-Can-I-force-my-17-year-old-son-to-do-anything-to-improve-his-future-chances-of-employment

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/1588526-Underperforming-17-yr-Son