Teenager V Mum

[tan3517]

Hi
I havent posted on here for a while. Ive had various problems with my DS however he seemed to get a grip with his life/hormones and behave slightly better.
DS has just turned 15, is very popular, very loyal and generally a nice kid. However when it comes to me and him I have learned over the last few years that basically me and my DS are too simular and clash in many many ways.
DS is a typical teenager. lazy, back chats, arguementative and just dam right horrible at times. I will never forget something my grandma once told me - You love them so much but it doesnt mean you like them.
I am going through another really hard patch with DS, he hates being told what to do. he tells me I go on and on at him. (firstly may I add that's because he doesn't listen - or do as he is told) This then proceeds with him screaming at the top of his voice at me many times. Clenching his fists and generally overpowering me. This has been going on for a very long time, my DH says I do go on but my problem is DS does not respect me. He shouts at me and makes me feel like Im the little women who has no voice! Clearly this is the problem as I will not have anybody scream and shout at me and just sit back and take it, regardless of who it is. It scares the hell out of me if he can hollar at me like this then how will he act with other people if he doesnt like what is being said.
I think he has a good life, as I said he is popular, goes out every weekend including after school most nights. MY DH picks him up so he isnt roaming the streets at 8pm. He goes to bed at 10.30 on a school night. He plays footy at the weekend and we travel all over for him.
Some may say this is the problem maybe too much of his own way, and I actually agree tbh, however I dont think my DH does. All I ever get from him is hes 15 I was doing XYZ at that age.
I just really stuggle with him yelling at me at the top of his voice folks and it is really starting to get me down. He had me in tears this morning ( I believe he was tired and grumpy due to his hair not going as he wanted) He told me (not asked) that he was having a sleepover friday and weds of next week as it was school hols.
I will be honest I can be controlling - however I have dedicated my whole life to my family and I'm dam well not gonna sit back and watch my DS wall all over me and abuse me verbally.
Sorry I know I have gone on but just voicing my anger [hsad]

[vicster44]

I have read this twice - it could be me and my daughter you talking about there! I have no advice as I am in the same situation - DH told me this weekend I can be overbearing with her and her studies and training - a point I do accept but it's only as I want her to do so well. She is v bright and good at her sport which is frustrating as she just seems to be letting things slide a little.

Anyway don't want to hijack your post but I too would like some help - although I have just read another thread and flow4 has recommended this book www.amazon.co.uk/Get-Out-My-Life-First/dp/1846680875?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21 it sounds great and I will be buying it too! So thanks to that person. New to this so didn't know how to copy from other thread completely.
Here's hoping it helps I am losing my grip on reality atm

[tan3517]

Ahh bless you no its fine. It's good to hear from other mums in the same position. You are always welcome to inbox me if you wish. I have just had a text from my son (as I texted my DH told him I have had enough - he replied I dont know what to say! - well try saying do not speak to your mother in this way) DS texted me saying "nice text to dad" - what does the boy expect as I was sobbing my heart out first thing this morning ( not infront of him obviously) We then started to snipe at each other again and he then decided the time was right to forget about it. I know I am probably being pathetic and acting very childish but he will continue to scream and shout at me again when he doesnt like what he hears and I really dont agree with it.

[ClippedPhoenix]

How did he know you sent a text to his dad? Doesn't sound like you're getting any support from you DH.

[tan3517]

Because he must of text him & had words with him

[ClippedPhoenix]

hmm, poor you OP.

If I were you I'd be having words with my DH. You both have to be on the same page, not good if your DH text your son along the lines of..... Your mums beein having a hissy fit again.

Why does your DH think he doesn't respect you?

[tan3517]

I know I have tried to speak to him on various occasions & all I get back is ok you've made your point. Stop going on & guess what it still happens. DH does most things for an easy life. Bringing my child up to have respect for me is not something to roll over for!! I know if the shoe was on the other foot fe would be laying the law down

[ClippedPhoenix]

Well OP I hate to say this but your DS knows fully well that your DH will let it go on. Does your DS see your DH telling you to stop "going on". If so that's where the lack of respect is coming from in the first place.

[issyocean]

I would talk to your ds and tell him that unless he can treat you with respect you will be doing nothing to make his life easier for him. No taking him to football not sleepovers and even no washing or cooking for him if he doesn't improve. I know it sounds harsh but he has been allowed to get away with this for far too long. It is important that your H backs you 100%. I brought up two teenage boys on my own and know hard it can be but you really need to get tough and stop allowing him to treat you this way.

[tan3517]

Yes he does he's heard him telling me it even has said it to me in front of him

[tan3517]

Hi issyocean believe me I have tried, however sometimes not all the time I get told by DH that I'm pushing DS away. I'm in a no win situation & end up having to back down otherwise I've got two of them on my case. All I am after is respect .

[ClippedPhoenix]

I'd have a very private conversation with DH about this, telling him in no uncertain terms that he needs to stop this belittling behaviour in front of your son. I'd then do what issy has suggested. This needs nipping in the bud right now.

[tan3517]

This will sound daft but what if DH doesn't & accusing me of all & sundry

[issyocean]

In a way it was easier for me because I had nobody obstructing. I would just refuse to do ANYTHING for your ds until he treats you with respect and tell your H if he wants to run around after him he can but you need to stand your ground now. Sorry if I sound sharp I am posting on my phone.

[ClippedPhoenix]

Then OP it will confirm where the roots of this behaviour is coming from

[ClippedPhoenix]

are, not is.

[tan3517]

I have just spoken to DH & he isn't happy DS told me he texted him. Words r going to be spoken this evening. Don't worry I'm in phone too.

[ClippedPhoenix]

See how disjointed all this is OP.

I think your problems certainly stem from your dynamics with your DH. Put a stop to him talking down to you/belittling you and it will be easier to nip it in the bud with your son.

Good luck sweetheart.

[awbless]

I am struggling with this one OP. Did DS randomly start yelling at you out of the blue? This doesn't fit with the picture you paint of him being a nice lad (although the rest of the description does). Or was his yelling a frustrated inarticulate way to respond to whatever and however you spoke to him?

You are the adult here, he is learning to be one. Would you tell anothet adult what to do? If not why tell him what to do? My experience of teenagers is they often announce what they are going to do and are clearly astounded when everyone doesn't jump to and fall In With their plans. But there is a way of responding to it - I used to laugh and say 'course you are son, you crack on and sort it out, count me out'.

Your DH must be well p'd off with trying to keep the peace here. Sounds to me like you need to wind your neck in an get off DS's case and give them both a break. Seriously.

[tan3517]

May I please add "awwbless" my DS done exactly that - reacted totally out of the blue. He has since admitted to myself & my DH that he acted this way because his hair didn't go the way he wanted & took it out on me. So Thankyou for your feedback! However what ever situation I am in I do not appreciate being told to "wind my neck in"

[awbless]

Mmm.... just proving my point I think

[tan3517]

As I said thank you for your opinion

[JennyCliff]

It's horrible to feel hurt/disrespected/belittled by your own child - I know, I've been there often lately. I just wanted to offer my support and share a couple of tips.
You have admitted that you can be 'controlling' which is great, as you're self-aware which is more than some parents. Can you work on this as a starting point? I can be over-emotional and lose my cool and I know I need to work on this as my starting point.
I've lately come to view my DD as a 'toddler high on hormones' and strangely, it helps. I'm going to try and stay cooler, calmer and not give her the 'drama' that she wants.
One thing that really struck me was that your DS is trying to intimidate you physically which is troubling and this should be firmly nipped in the bud. Shouting and yelling is one thing, using clenched fists to intimidate is another. Get your DH on board soon and start by agreeing which battles you're going to fight and which you will let go.

Good luck, it's not easy.

[tan3517]

Hi jennycliff, thank you for your kind words. My DH & I spoke after work today & after explaining how I felt he now understands and we are definitely working at it. I think after getting other people's opinions has made it easier to explain the situation to him. DS came home earlier than normal to discuss things. Yes I do agree about the temper side of things that does worry me too hence posting on here in the first place. I think with controlling side of me is to do with all that goes on in the world at the moment it is not easy to bring up a teenage boy especially in a place which used to me quiet but has now turned into teenagers being stabbed etc... Hence me being a tad over protective, like many parents xx Thank you xx

[gemblags1980]

Hi
Sorry you're having such a hard time here, just a thought from my work I have done with teenagers and families . Do you have anyone within your family who can get you all together as a family and help you all to talk things through ?

The other thing that may be worth doing is to come up with a family contract , which sets out what everyone is prepared to do/ not do and the consequences for not doing so. This will put the responsibility for each individuals behaviour back on to them.

Whilst on the subject of behaviour it would be a good idea to have a discussion and or record the behaviour that is not acceptable for everyone and any consequences you want to impose. However you can start on a positive, by identifying three things that you respect about each other.

These are only some suggestions from my experience, please remember that YOu are the person that knows your son and family best, so what I am suggesting may not be suitable for you all at this time.

I would also sugest speaking to your sons head of year or school headteacher , because if you decide that handing responsbility back to your son, some of the consequences could be that work is not completed on time etc, if this is the case the school can then implement their own sanctions, and support you, also if your son sees yourself and the school is communicating on a regular basis, his behaviour may change, of ourselves you may be surprised, it could be that when he is given responsbility for his own actions, work starts to get completed.

If you want someone independent to help, there are professional mediation services for families , just do an Internet search for your local area.
Good Luck,