hurtful comments from DD

[JennyCliff]

This will probably sound a bit of a lame problem compared to some of the threads here and I do appreciate that it may sound a little trivial.
However, I'm practically in despair at some of my 17 year old's behaviour. In particular I can't deal with the nastiness/rudeness directed at me and I often end up getting upset and tearful which I know is probably totally the wrong thing to do but I can't help it.
I don't know what I've done to make her think she can speak to me like this. I thought I'd brought her up to have consideration for others. She doesn't swear (well, not often) but just says such hurtful things...calls me childish or stupid etc and she knows how to press my buttons and then really presses them.
How do others deal with this and how can I deal with it better and in not such an emotional way?

[antshouse]

Looked at this and don't really feel that I can help much but didn't want to ignore you.
My 14 year old sometimes does this and I think she's just responding to me being 'annoying' in the way that she responds to some classmates at school. If its more than a one off I end up saying something rude or sharp back and she's totally shocked , I then trot out 'well if your going to speak to me like that.' Then I leave it and take myself off so it can't escalate.
I know this is a totally immature response and it probably only works because it's quite rare that we get to this point.
Is this something new with your daughter? Has there been some change (new school) that is making her unhappy and snappy?
Does she need you for lifts to friends houses? Can you withdraw your cooperation when she's rude and let her know why without allowing it it become a row? She's old enough to know that you don't get favours from anyone if you treat them with contempt and if she's inconvenienced its because of her own behavior.
Hope your ok.

[flow4]

It can be really hurtful, can't it Jenny :(

Have you read [[http://www.amazon.co.uk/Get-Out-My-Life-First/dp/1846680875?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21 this book] ? I found it really helpful for understanding how teenagers' brains work and why they behave the way they do.

Their explanation about rude, nasty behaviour is that it is a natural part of teenagers 'growing away' from you: it allows them to 'pretend' (particualrly to themselves) that they don't need you any more, while simultaneously really staying very close to you - especially if you get drawn in to their drama - which of course it's very easy to do!

The other more general theory is that many teenagers - especially the ones that feel very close to their parents - have to behave in horrible ways so that they can distance themselves emotionally - enough to be able to leave home. If everything was always lovely, they'd never be able to break away, but they know they have to, so they make it not-lovely!

It all made a lot of sense to me :)

[flow4]

Oops, here's that link again: www.amazon.co.uk/Get-Out-My-Life-First/dp/1846680875?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

[antshouse]

Wow, I need that book,

[tan3517]

Me too

[flow4]

:) I'd really recommend it - in fact it's the ONLY 'teen advice' book I'd recommend! All the others seem to wag their fingers at you and say "Do this, do that", in a way that annoyed me, because almost invariably I'd already tried what they suggested and it didn't work! This one doesn't really try to tell you what to do, it just explains what's going on - which I found much more useful :)

[vicster44]

Think I'll be buying that book too as my 14 year dd is really pushing boundaries especially in the way she speaks to me! Incidentally she doesn't speak to her father that way - just me

[tan3517]

Ive just purchased it

[vicster44]

Me too!

[JennyCliff]

Thank you - I really appreciate the replies, especially Flow4 with the book link. The things you said about wanting to put distance between us by creating a bit of 'havoc' made complete sense. I do need to try and remember this instead of getting sucked in emotionally. I guess yesterday I had reached my limits and felt it couldn't cope with it very well.

I bumped into one of her teachers and apparently things are fine at school, in fact the teacher described her as 'lovely' which is always a comfort, except I wish she'd be 'lovely' with me a bit more often.

Anyway, thanks again - just getting it off my chest seems to have done me good. :)

[flow4]

Happy to be helpful! :)

vicster, it occurs to me that people might suggest your DD spoke rudely to you but not her DF because she respected you less... But if that book is right, it could be because she feels closer to you, so feels she has further to pull away, so needs to be ruder to do it... Maybe, just maybe, this explains why teenagers tend to be more horrible to their mums...? Hmmm...