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ds 15 smoking

(17 Posts)
daisydoodoo Sun 21-Oct-12 17:46:52

How do I deal with ut? According to his dad itsy fault as I gave him money. (Yesterday to go in town £15 for McDonalds breakfast, lunch abduct a little bit to spend)
Obviously spent this on the pitch if tobacco ten disposable lighters and rivals we found.

He claims he's the only one in the group. Who smokes and that market stall in town sold him the tobacco ( stamped UK duty not paid) and the accessories. He doesn't look anything like 18 so several issues there but I guess if someone selling
Bootleg tobacco they probably don't care about age.

II have no idea what to do next. Every time I ease up on him allow him freedom he does something wrong again. He was caught with tobacco a couple of months ago and all money was stopped he was grounded. But now back to square one.

daisydoodoo Sun 21-Oct-12 17:47:42

Sorry for the appalling spelling the screen on my phone had gone tiny and I couldn't make it bigger.

flow4 Mon 22-Oct-12 00:01:46

I remember how upset I was when I discovered my DS1 was smoking. He was only 13. The most terrible thing was that I was a smoker myself at the time, and it took me a long time - months - to realise why my own tobacco always seemed to run out so fast. I kept thinking "That's odd, it's nearly empty... I'm sure I bought some just yesterday... Or did I?" Then I caught him red-handed and realised I'd been 'supplying' him. I felt like a drug dealer sad I felt so bad I gave up smoking... But sadly DS didn't.

How long has your DS been smoking? If it's more than a couple of months, I don't know whether he will be able to stop just like that, even if you punish him, because he'll be addicted.

It might be one of those situations where 'carrot' works better than stick: how about taking him to the GP, getting some patches (they advise young people only use them under medical supervision), and 'bribing' him not to smoke? My dad said he'd give me £100 if I didn't smoke before I was 18 (a long time ago, so a lot of money) and that worked for me... Or if your DS needs more immediate rewards, maybe giving him money at the end of the week, if and only if he has been smoke-free...

brighterfuture Mon 22-Oct-12 08:35:33

I suspect my ds2 14 has started smoking. We told him we'd give him 100 quid if he made it to 16 without smoking too. I found a packet of fags that he was looking after for someone else hmm. Ds1 who smokes was mortified when I ran the full pack under a tap and trashed them !

I give Ds2 a kiss when I pick him up from school and have a good sniff at the same time to see if he stinks of tobacco wink

Why do they think its so cool ? By the time they realise they've been duped and exploited its too late they're hooked.

I don't know how you can stop them if they want to smoke except make it as difficult as possible and go on about how expensive , stinky, vile and disgusting it is.

I don't allow ds1 to smoke anywhere at home or in the garden and he's not allowed to smoke anywhere where I can see him. I used to smoke the odd roll up [hypocrite] but since he started smoking i've gone right off it.

daisydoodoo Mon 22-Oct-12 12:55:56

I don;t know how long he's been smoking for. At least a few months, although often he wouldnt have had enough money to buy cigaretters or tobacco as I don;t regualrly hand out large sums of money.
He doesn;t have a job, so is reliant on money that either his dad or myself give him. His dad rarely gives him money and if i did its £1-2, unless he has said he is specifically going soemwhere, such as hanging out in mcdonalds with friends i will give him £4 for a meal.

I don't smoke and always comment on the smell etc if near anyone smoking. I had a lighter by the cooker as the ignition plays up and i kept it there for the times i couldn't light the cooker, and this went missing which is why I searched his bag.

He always takes a huge rucksack out with him, he takes it to school comes home empties it of the school stuff and loads it up to go out. He usually comes back stinking of lynx (i put a limit of one can a week on lynx as knew he was using it to cover something up), I must have told him 100 times not to take the rucksack out with him, my point at that time was that it makes him look suspicious, especially when in shops.

Im going to call trading standards when im home this afternoon as i know the owners of the local shops here so although i can imagine he could still get someone to buy tobacco for him, it would be much harder as they wouldnt serve him, so he have o go to the effort of going further afield or asking strangers in the street to buy it.

Mollydoggerson Mon 22-Oct-12 13:02:16

Do any adults around him smoke?

I think I would focus on what a waste of money it is, teeth damage, stink, and finally waste of moeny again.

All you can do is equip him with info and then let him make his own mind up.

brighterfuture Mon 22-Oct-12 13:02:24

If he's stinking of lynx are you sure he's not sniffing it ? I only suggest this because i was recently very shocked to learn that my ds 2 has recently tried sniffing deoderent. The tell tale signs were rapidly emptying cans and leaked perfume smell on towels .. I would never have thought it of him in a million years until another parent pointed it out to me sad

daisydoodoo Mon 22-Oct-12 14:41:29

only his grandad smokes, and its not like he sees him all the time to be influenced.

Pretty sure hes not sniffing lynx and was to cover the smell of smoking

xmasevebundle Mon 22-Oct-12 22:22:26

I think either way hes going to smoke, £100 or not. It didnt work for me, i wanted to smoke and that was that

I did when i was 16, mum and dad went abit bonkers!

They stopped giving me money and never bought it for me.

You do get some dodgey people selling the duty free stuff, other things in the baccy as well as the shit thats already in there. Its really addictive and the moods swings are horrid, having no money or baccy. Your almost desperate for money/fags.

I gave up when i fell pregnant, i sit here now thinking about a fag, 7 months down the line!

flow4 Tue 23-Oct-12 22:52:46

I still sometimes crave a fag, and I stopped nearly 4 years ago! sad

Even after I stopped smoking and stopped giving DS money, he always seemed able to get hold of tobacco, and weed. If they have a whole group of friends, someone always has some cash or something to smoke, and everyone seems happy to share, because they know sometime soon it will be them on the scrounge. hmm

Also, my DS tells me that he used to just ask random adults to go in the shop for him and buy tobacco, and never had any problem finding someone who would! angry

msgmeplzz Wed 24-Oct-12 02:17:49

...... ok, there is a saying: to understand everything is to forgive everything, and so u need to give them space, u wouldnt believe how many teenagers smoke and are even into cannabis. and dont act like your the only one ..... like ur some sort of martyr...... oh dear.. oh you poor lamb, darling sons off smoking again ... oh dear , ease up , maybe u should try a chill pill, from ur darling sons stash box.

Nandocushion Wed 24-Oct-12 02:46:54

Brighterfuture: when I was about 16 my mum made me kiss her after a night out just so she could see if I'd been smoking. I am now 42 and I don't think I have ever willingly kissed her since then. Please be careful with those actions you think are so clever.

OP, my parents flipped when I started smoking at 15 and grounded me, took away all money and privileges etc. It did nothing - kids are not at home all day, and they will smoke if they want to, somehow. I don't know if another method would have made me quit, but I can say with certainty that coming down too hard does not work at all. I honestly think reasoning, talking, explaining and even nagging would be better. In my case, it would at least have had the effect of making me feel as though - for the first time in my life - they were treating me as an adult, instead of as a child whose every action they could control.

SilveryMoon Wed 24-Oct-12 02:50:42

I started at 14. Because all my friends did and they laughed at me when I originally said no.
16 years later and I'm still smoking. Hate it but not ready to give up yet.
Don't know what to suggest op. He will always find a way to get it whether you give him money or not. We used to ask strangers for 20p for the phone. Soon had enough for ten b&h.
Depends on his personality. Would you get further if you respected his choices but let him know how disappointed you are?
Really hard.

daisydoodoo Wed 24-Oct-12 21:05:57

No idea tbh. As its my money he's spending on tobacco I won't be giving him anymore. If he wants to smoke then he will need to find a job to fund his habit.

With regards to his personality no I wouldn't any further if I respected his choices. He basically thinks his parents are there to nag and which ever way it was played he'd still treat us with contempt.

I certainly won't be taking advice from msgmepplzz who writes like a 13 yr old and probably is. I'm perfectly chilled and happy in my own life. I have three other children who are happy healthy polite and respectful and do well at school. So one who's not isn't stressing me or making me 'unchilled' just incredibly disappointed in him. I thought I raised children who weren't sheep and followed others. The everyone else does it so I will too doesn't wash here. Know your own mind is more like it.

SilveryMoon Wed 24-Oct-12 21:25:03

Daisy, I can hear your disappointment and frustration.
Who knows what you should or even can do.
I am in full agreement about knowing your own mind, unfortunately that's not always a concept best understood by teenagers. It is hard being a teen, I'm sure we all remember it.
There are also many people, situations and events that mould us into the adults we are to become.
I'm not saying this to further aggravate you, but are you ready for his own mind to be different from yours? Just saying it sounds like you have raised sensible and aware children, but somewhere, some time they will do things we don't like or agree with. I'm not saying smoking at 15 is ok, but maybe he is using his own mind.
Completely your choice if you want to restrict his funds, but these are tough years, let him know you love and support him and his freedom of choice. Be disappointed but he is on a difficult journey into adulthood.

Lillidoll Thu 25-Oct-12 01:04:37

I did pretty well on peer pressure and didn't start until I was 18, got caught by my mother in town and got the 'wait til you get home to your dad' treatment. Luckily ( for me,lol) he wasn't at all bothered and actually bought me fags pretty often. I know its a big jump back down to 14 but if they want to do it, they will :/

flow4 Thu 25-Oct-12 08:23:39

I was talking to DS1 about smoking yesterday. He's 17 and has been smoking for 4 years, and no longer hides it from me. He can only think of 2 people out of around 100 local teens who do not smoke. I challenged him and suggested it was just his friends/social group, and reeled off a list of names - particularly 'sporty' and 'sensible' ones I thought would know better - but he says they all smoke. (The 2 exceptions are both individuals who are considered weird/loners). I find this really depressing, if it's true, and I hope it's not a pattern repeated round the country... A whole generation poisoning itself sad

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