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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

Boyfriend sleepover

49 replies

doinmummy · 14/10/2012 15:14

DD14 wanted 15 year old boyfriend to sleepover last night . I said no.
She said they would watch a film and then she would sleep on sofa and he could have her bed. I said no. He had to be up early this am for a busy day sport/travel wise. And depite that they are too young.
She came round with him anyway, I said no. after much swearing at me by DD boyfriend walked home.

I feel so bad. Strongly dislike of DD- she thinks of no one but herself. Feel so sorry for B/F. I dont want him to think I dont like him, but just not appropriate that they have a sleepover at this age.

Opinion please.

OP posts:

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PickledFanjoCat · 14/10/2012 15:15

You ate right thats top young!!!

Felicitywascold · 14/10/2012 15:15

Stick to your guns. And I would be issuing a sanction (loss of wifi, phone, or no lifts for a week... Something along those lines) for the disgusting way DD spoke to you- particularly bad in front of a guest.

purplewithred · 14/10/2012 15:16

I think Pickled was being supportive...

Do you think letting him sleepover would lead to/condone underage sex?

PickledFanjoCat · 14/10/2012 15:22

Eer yes! I phone malfunction. You are right that's too young!!!

DameEnidsOrange · 14/10/2012 15:27

Exactly what felicity said

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 14/10/2012 15:29

You did the right thing

Does she always swear at you, btw? I wouldn't tolerate that.

BackforGood · 14/10/2012 15:33

What Felicity said.

doinmummy · 14/10/2012 15:33

I just think it gives the impression that I'm ok with underage sex, although DD obviously denies she is having sex. We have the conversation regularly.

Also I was trying to make her see how selfish she was being. B/F has a very long journey, involving ferry crossing today, so ealry start / late finish for him. If they had watched a film it would be around 1.30 am before it finished, then god knows how long to chat and 'say goodnight'. So it would have been a late night for him. She was having none of it and said they wouldn't watch the film and would go striaght to sleep , to which I replied' well whats the point then, he might as well stay at his house.

So frustrating that she refused to be reasonable.

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AlmostAHipster · 14/10/2012 15:34

YANBU. I have never allowed a bf to sleep over, especially at such a young age! My daughters would also be grounded/punished for swearing at me - it's totally unacceptable!

doinmummy · 14/10/2012 15:36

I cant stand my DD. So disappointed in her behaviour.

I am blanking her , the only way I can deal with it without making myself so stressed is to totally withdraw from her. No speaking, no meals,nothing.

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SecretSquirrels · 14/10/2012 15:40

You let a 15 year old boy walk home alone at 1.30am! Do you know whether he got home safely?
I'm glad it wasn't my son who I thought was sleeping over at a friend's. Your DD's behaviour was not his fault.

BackforGood · 14/10/2012 15:41

That's very sad to read, and maybe indicating this has to be about more than a one off arguement about if he's allowed to stay over or not ?

doinmummy · 14/10/2012 15:47

I offered to drive him home. I sat in the car for half an hour waiting for them to talk it over.

I feel very bad for the boy, but could hardly force him to get in the car.

My DD is massively selfish. I have had many many battles with her when she cant get her own way, including having the Police out.

If my Dd is sleeping at anyones house I always check with the parents that this is the case.

What would you have done Secret

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jellybeans · 14/10/2012 15:49

YANBU. I would say no and have done. DD is just 16 and is not allowed boyfriend to sleepover. Maybe when she is at college we will but not sure. DD would not dare swear at me as it would lead to sanctions; loss of phone, grounded etc. I wouldn't tolerate that. Neither would I be cooking and doing her washing etc if treated with such disrespect.

doinmummy · 14/10/2012 15:55

I want the lad to know that none of this is his fault and I have nothing against him but think if I said anything to him it would make matters worse.

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Felicitywascold · 14/10/2012 16:07

I cant stand my DD. So disappointed in her behaviour.
I am blanking her , the only way I can deal with it without making myself so stressed is to totally withdraw from her. No speaking, no meals,nothing.

Ok, this is worrying. If your DD knows you don't like her (which, given that you say you don't means she knows) everything will be ten X harder. You need to make a point re. The bad behaviour (one sanction, nothing massively serious like refusing to cook for her!!) and move on. As an adult I would find it very difficult to behave and remain polite around someone who didn't like me, it will be nigh on impossible for a hormonal teen. I am not trying to minimise her attitude/behaviour- you are right it is disappointing and disgusting. BUT you need to find forgiveness and kindness to improve her behaviour in the future.

SecretSquirrels · 14/10/2012 16:10

I would at least have rung his parents who presumably were under the impression that he was safe at a sleepover.
I would have been furious with DD for arranging it when I had said no and even more so for the attitude, and punished accordingly.
Having said that I would have allowed the sleepover in the first place.
DS had his girlfriend sleepover at that age. All agreed with parents and separate bedrooms it goes without saying..

doinmummy · 14/10/2012 16:19

I do not have his parents number. I asked if I could give him a a lift home .I did not agree to the sleep over .

I feel really shitty, has taken me right back to DD/police etc.

Its all my fault I guess

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doinmummy · 14/10/2012 16:21

They left his house at gone 11pm. I said I would pick DD up and met them on the way back to ours only a couple of 100 yards from his house. I stopped in the road. I said I would explain to his parents , but was met with excuses and blanks from them both.

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doinmummy · 14/10/2012 16:31

I know I'm not handling DD correctly Felicity but this is how I feel .

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HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 14/10/2012 16:39

It's not your fault at all, love. I know how manipulative teens can be. Your DD tried to force the sleepover by putting you on the spot. I wouldn't have caved to the blackmail either. It sounds like you need to be especially strong about boundaries and acceptable behaviour, tbh

Startailoforangeandgold · 14/10/2012 16:43

Too young to have sex YES!

Too young to be allowed a proper friendship NO!

I think you and DD need to both calm down and agree what is and isn't acceptable. Properly, meeting half way if necessary. You need to listen to her and she needs not to swear at you.

Blanking a 14y is just childish. DD2s and her DF were band from that ridiculous phrase in Y6.

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Startailoforangeandgold · 14/10/2012 16:46

Yes happy teens can be manipulative, but normally only if they feel they are not being given a chance to be heard.

doinmummy · 14/10/2012 16:48

I knew I'd get flamed. I haven't said anything about not having a proper friendship, just that they cant sleep together. I have struggled with DD for years. She runs to her father who backs her up, And yes I have suggested that she goes to live with him.
I hate this situation, I try and talk to her but just get told to Fuck Off. She has been violent towards me and to be honest my nerves cant stand it.

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doinmummy · 14/10/2012 16:51

We have sat down and agreed rules TOGETHER eg time to be home, always answer her phone to me, dont walk home late etc. SHhe doesn't stick to any of them.

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