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Help...DS is 12yrs and been accessing porn on net....repeatedly!!

(11 Posts)
whatthewhatthebleep Tue 02-Oct-12 13:08:31

I discovered this issue some months ago on my DS laptop...
We discussed it and I was careful not to make him feel ashamed about his curiosity but that these type of things are not a true picture of what people generally need or experience with a partner, that these videos, etc were not a real reflection of a persons sex life and that I wanted him to think about this being wrong for him and not helpful to his overall pov about sex and relationships and I wanted him to think about this and not be looking for this sort of thing anymore.
He was embarrassed, the convo one sided mostly and me hoping I had given him enough food for thought and had also mentioned my concern about this sort of thing being illegal, especially for under 18yr old, etc...
It feels it was all in vain though as I have just discovered he has been doing this again...
I'm quite horrified and disappointed and really wondering how to effectively handle this now.
I have wondered about phoning my Community Police and whether they would/could discuss this (put frighteners on a bit) so he realises the possible implications this could lead to....not sure though and I'm a bit worried about it being taken out of my hands or something too.
My DS has ASD/ADHD so there are issues to consider here too with him....
I'm lost and very worried and have banned the laptop for the foreseeable future.

Please come and give me your advice about how I should handle this very serious problem...I could see from the history that these have been very much not the norm at all and probably more explicit and degrading than I have even come across at my age!!!....very shocked

crazygracieuk Tue 02-Oct-12 13:12:57

Do you have a filter on to stop him looking at porn?

FrustratedSycamorePants Tue 02-Oct-12 13:14:10

You need parental control over what your ds accesses on the Internet.

3boys1cat Tue 02-Oct-12 13:14:32

There may be some useful information for you on the CEOPS website (Child Exploitation & Online Protection Service or something like that!)

crazygracieuk Tue 02-Oct-12 13:15:36

Would he respond to you saying that the rules for net access at home is the same as at school hence you expect him not to look at porn until he's 18.

Monty27 Tue 02-Oct-12 13:22:36

Bleep I have pm'd you.

I think you're handling this well, it is shocking what the little bleeders have access to.

whatthewhatthebleep Tue 02-Oct-12 13:38:10

Thank you Monty ...I pm'd you back

Theas18 Tue 02-Oct-12 16:34:04

Umm he's repeated this behaviour against strong advice and he's only 12.

I'd crack down on net access completely. Take the laptop away. Net for homework in a public room with net nanny/K9 at highest security setting- getting you to put password in every time will perhaps make him think a bit....
No net connected phone- a basic phone with say a giffgaff text package would be fine (don't be fooled into gettign one that will take MMS of more images from mates) .

Turn Wifi off at night.

Rinse and repeat as they say (ie just calmly keep explaining why you can't trust him at present).

Then. maybe after Xmas , if he's been behaving, start to release the brake a little- lap top in room (but with full K9 etc) BUT all history on and not deleted. Do check it ... etc

I do think at 12 you probably need to control things quite a bit really.

Gradually let things get a bit easier over several years till at 16-18 he could fly solo. My 16yr old still has K9 on his laptop but otherwise isn't restricted .

You can't stop what he sees at his mates houses but you can at least make him think about it and not access it at home.

whatthewhatthebleep Tue 02-Oct-12 19:26:43

all security is now tightened up on net...and I've discussed at length. He has had all day to think and we have spoken on and off today since this happened. He has apologised and seems to have a better understanding with this now.....it's all I can ask for.

I don't tend to do a great deal of confrontation and mega punishment...I don't necessarily agree about being heavy handed and controlling, esp as he is ASD/ADHD...it's not a realistic approach tbh...
I will be checking history daily, he knows this...he also has agreed that we will seek more appropriate information and details together and if he feels tempted he must try to tell me so that I can discuss this with him and that if he has questions or if he has any issues or things he needs to know...he just has to ask me in future. He knows that my concern is about his welfare and not about him being 'bad' or 'ashamed' for being interested in sex, etc...just that doing this leaves him open to the unrealistic side of things and not a healthy view of what sexual behaviour is for most people.

I think I've done and said all I can for now and will make some searches for teen sexual advice and/or books, etc for him and both of us to read...open up these channels and keep them on the right track from now on with him.

Thanks to all for advice smile

Bromptonaut Fri 12-Oct-12 23:35:04

In my era (I'm 52) porn was magazines or books. It was surreptitiously passed around, concealed under the mattress etc. If Mum found it there'd be a telling off, stuff went on the fire and I owed a debt to the lender!!

These days the stuff's out there at a few clicks of mouse/kb. As parents we have to adapt to that. They're going to look at it. No frighteners about Police interest are going to stop that. When statute law faces natures law the latter wins!!

Reviews of my lad's history from age 13 on tell me he's looked at things I'd regard as off piste - women wrestling naked and 'face sitting' to name but two genres he's explored.

I've explained to him that this isn't what really happens. That the women in these films probably don't want to do what's portrayed and that a surprising number of them look like they might be trafficked from Eastern Europe or beyond.

I've also pointed him to softer porn, for example films of the Abby Winters genre, as more representative of real women.

Perhaps I'm too liberal.

FamilyAngel Sat 13-Oct-12 01:40:11

Long term punishments are not great with any teenagers but are definitely not useful for those with ASD who view the world slightly differently. I think you have handled this really well.

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