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Bedsharing with dad

(22 Posts)
mumof2soon3 Sat 29-Sep-12 07:48:25

I have just found out that my daughter shares a double bed with her dad when she stops over at his house. My daughter is 12 and quite mature for her age she his bigger books than me and started her periods about 1 year ago. I find this completely inappropriate and very creepy. I am not letting her stay there at the moment . But is there any sort of law or anything that says they can not do this because he can not see the inappropriate Ness of bed sharing. And says there is nothing wrong with it and nothing I can do to stop it.

Wheresmycaffeinedrip Sat 29-Sep-12 08:09:26

I want to say your being ridiculous shes his daughter but I kinda agree with you. If she was 8/9 wouldn't think twice but given she's a bit older he really should be sleeping on the sofa. If only for his own safety.

burmac Sat 29-Sep-12 08:36:09

Surprised she agrees to it. My 12 yr old will very occasionally hop in my bed for 10 mins in the morning when she's cold but she's extremely conscious of her developing body and needs her privacy. Older DD was just the same. What does she say about it?

whattodotwo Sat 29-Sep-12 10:13:43

Don't panic. It IS something you need to talk and think about carefully, but it's not necessarily creepy...

I think you definitely need to talk to your daughter about this. I'd suggest you ask her straight but gentle questions if you can. If you can manage to be calm, you could be very direct and say "I'm worried you may be getting to old to share a bed with your dad. How do you feel about it?"

If you get any sign she is uncomfortable about it, then you need to take action to stop it. If she seems happy, then you can have a conversation about how it will need to stop soon, because it isn't appropriate for a man to sleep with his daughter when she becomes a woman.

And is it possible for you to talk to her dad? I know (from personal experience) how hard it is to talk to exes. But if you can, it will help you get an idea of what he feels about it. It might be that he wants it to stop, but doesn't know how to do it.

It is one of those situations/family habits that can just evolve. It starts naturally, and then you have to work out how to stop it...

I still share a bed with my 12yo son quite often - maybe 3 nights a week. It used to be much more - almost every night. I was totally happy and comfortable with this until he started high school, then I started to think "Hmmm, maybe he's getting a bit old". I decided it was time he slept in his own bed. I talked to him about it, and because we have a very open trusting relationship, I was able to be pretty direct with him. I said that he was at an age where he would probably be getting sexual feelings quite soon, and that he might wake up with erections, and that it would not feel right r comfortable for either of us if that happened when he was in bed with his mum! He took the point, and immediately started sleeping in his own bed.

However, it was only a month or so before he started coming back into my bed. The first time, he was ill and needed comfort. Then there were a couple of evenings when we were watching a film together and one or other of us just fell asleep. We both like it, and we often go to bed at the same time, so it's easy to let it happen. It's cosy and it absolutely isn't sexual, but I am now hyper-aware that he won't be a child for much longer... So though he is still entirely comfortable with it, I no longer am. I will be sad to lose the cuddles, but I think it needs to end.

Incidentally, I think this is one of those areas where it is trickier for single parents than couples. If you were still with your DD's dad, or I was still with my DS's dad, and our 12 yos were climbing into bed with both parents and sometimes sleeping there, no-one would think it was creepy, just squashed!

slartybartfast Sat 29-Sep-12 10:16:23

does he not have a bed for her?
because he should. it is not fair on her. how does she feel about it?

SecretSquirrels Sat 29-Sep-12 12:08:09

It's sometimes easy to forget they are growing up and something that you have done since they were babies is not quite right when they are 12.
I think that you do need to say something as this should have stopped with the onset of puberty IMO.
whattodotwo I was exactly like you with DS2, until he was about 10 or 11 he would often pop in with me if he felt unwell or just needed a hug. He stopped of his own accord so I didn't have to say anything to him.

whattodotwo Sat 29-Sep-12 12:20:01

I've been wondering for ages HOW to stop it. Turning him away just seems too cruel! But after posting earlier, I've suddenly realised it's actually quite easy: I just need to make sure he goes to bed before I do... If he goes upstairs first, he always goes to his own room - it's only when I'm going to bed early it happens... So if I can put up with a few late nights, I should have it sorted smile
Isn't it funny how long it can take us sometimes to realise obvious things! grin

KillerRack Sat 29-Sep-12 13:46:44

I'm not sure what her boob size/periods to do with it.

But yes its innapropriate, why doesn't she have her own bed do you know?

mumof2soon3 Tue 02-Oct-12 16:31:44

Thanks everyone. I don't really no what happened to her bed as far as I was aware she had one and her own room. It never thought to ever ask again would any of u. She is uncomfortable with sharing a bed saying she is too old but never knew how to tell her dad . We are going to have a talk with her dad together ( that won't go well ). So anyway she says she does not want to stop there till she has her own room back. Thanks again

flow4 Tue 02-Oct-12 23:26:44

If she wants to stop it, then you're definitely right to have a conversation with her dad. Hope it goes better than you think it will. smile

ClippedPhoenix Wed 10-Oct-12 16:02:09

Do you think he will be angry about this? If so, yes very creepy.

mathanxiety Sat 13-Oct-12 06:31:53

There is absolutely no way he should be doing this and his response that there is nothing wrong with it/ nothing you can do about it would be a big red flag to me that he knows it is inappropriate but is trying to bully you. From your past post -- 'She is uncomfortable with sharing a bed saying she is too old but never knew how to tell her dad' -- it seems to me that your DD is experiencing some form of bullying from him too. On the one hand she does not have a close enough relationship with him to speak her mind but on the other she is supposed to share his bed? There is something very wrong going on here.

You may need to bring in Social Services on this to look into what he is thinking here and to put an end to it.

Do not let him have her for a visit until it is revolved the way your DD wants it to be.

Do not bring your DD to any meeting with your exH. This is for you and him to hash out. Do not take no for an answer from him. He doesn't have a leg to stand on -- if he went to court to insist you let the DD have visits they would laugh him out of the room.

Family Mediators Association homepage here -- I would recommend finding a family mediator if he refuses to talk with you -- maybe you could convince him to talk with a mediator.

I strongly suggest you get your DD a counsellor to talk over all of this with no matter how it all pans out.

IllageVidiot Sat 13-Oct-12 06:51:22

I had this same issue with my own father and the potted version is - he was using me as an erstatz replacement for my mother and as he was lonely, missed intimacy and a physical presence in the bed he was fulfilling that need with me. I did get pressured into being there as he said it was cruel of me to not want to spend as much time as possible with him when he was so lonely and missed me. It really didn't end well, he'd also kind of justified it to himself as ok because I was a child and child bed sharing is totally reasonable so he really railed against the inevitable growing up I did.
I was very uncomfortable with it - unlucky for me my mother wasn't you and didn't do anything at all to help.

Not meaning to sound doomladen at all but just that it's great your DD can tell you this and you can validate her feelings and stop it happening. I also agree with MathAnxiety - he has nothing to throw at you but bluster.

OhSoVintage Sun 14-Oct-12 23:13:50

I would feel the same and I think your right to be concerned.

However sometimes I think men just forget how fast they are growing up and it maybe that nothing was meant by it. My dd of 13 thinks nothing of walking around the house naked and dh thought nothing of it until recently. Im always the one to tell dd and dh that your a bit old for that now etc etc (dd hasn't started her periods yet though so I'm sure that will change!).

But it doesn't cross their mind that its abnormal as its how its always been and dd of 6 regularly takes her clothes off around the house and sometimes walks in on daddy in the bath for a chat so its just normal to them.

However if I talk to dh he is receptive and is now more conscious of dds privacy and will tell her to put her clothes on.

But I think the fact you have talked about it and he is not receptive to your concerns is a worry. And I think you should take mathanxiety's advice.

flow4 Mon 15-Oct-12 09:10:56

How did the talk with ex go, mumof? Is this sorted now?

Kincardine Tue 16-Oct-12 03:36:34

My older daughter will be 14 in December. When she's feeling poorly she often sleeps in my bed. Even when she's well she'll come for a morning cuddle.

My wee yin is aged 10 and she usually comes in to my bed for cuddles before school when she's staying with me.

They each have their own room and bed but if they want to snuggle up to me then so what?

They may have to compete for space with their 12 year old brother - who still enjoys cuddles with their old dad.

mathanxiety Tue 16-Oct-12 03:55:06

That is an entirely different scenario from the one the OP described, Kincardine.

Kincardine Tue 16-Oct-12 04:07:33

Not entirely. We all prefer our own beds but, also, we're happy to sleep with each other depending on circumstances.

I'd certainly never choose to sleep with any of my kids by choice - but it happens. I'd usually pick one of the girls 'cos my son kicks too much!

mathanxiety Tue 16-Oct-12 05:06:27

The part where the DD doesn't want to do it and doesn't know what happened to her own bed is the part that makes all the difference. The difference is coercion and having no other choice. She is not happy to sleep with her father.

runningforme Tue 16-Oct-12 05:38:33

If she is uncomfotable with it, then I would also be concerned if he refuses to get her her own bed.

I grew up with my dad and I remember sleeping in his bed with him if I ever had nightmares or just wanted the comfort up until I was in my late teens.

Kincardine Tue 16-Oct-12 06:12:38

I'd agree with that. My girls have their own bed and they are welcome to them. I prefer it that way. So do they, usually.

Sometimes, though, one or more comes to my bed. Sometimes both the girls and their brother end up sleeping with me.

I'd not choose it but I also don't have a problem with it.

There is just nothing wrong with a teenager snuggling up to her dad - unless she is coerced - but that is really very rare.

Most of us have a very happy and wholesome relationship with our children.

flow4 Tue 16-Oct-12 08:13:18

This is just an aside, but the government's new 'bedroom tax' rules mean that where two separated parents receive housing benefit, only one of them will now be able to claim for a room for the child/children. Where the non-resident parent claims HB, he (usually dad) can't have a spare room for a child's visit unless that is designated as the child's main home, which is likely to then affect the mother's child benefit/tax credits. I'm already fretting that this will mean my ex will have to move to a smaller, cheaper property and share a bed with our son... It's likely to lead to a lot more bed-sharing between parents and their children, whatever their age and sex...

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