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Daughter, 17 is being brainwashed by suspected 'groomer'

(26 Posts)
Nichols2828 Thu 27-Sep-12 13:59:40

My partners 17 year old daughter who is a very young 17 has met an extremely unsavoury man through the Internet. We know he has lied about his age (we have found out him to be 25 and not 19) we have discovered through our own investigation that he is advertising himself as a bi sexual transvestite, and think he may be in to drugs and even may have aids (he weighs 5 and a half stone).
Her behaviour has changed, she is now withdrawn and is telling lots of lies.
Although we requested that they stopped seeing each other 2 months ago we now believe that she is skipping college to be with him and have just found an envelope containing £150 in her bedroom (she has no income or savings)
We are really frightened and don't know what to do to try and break them up as we know that unless she stops seeing him she could end up having her life ruined, or worse any advise would be much appreciated

margerykemp Thu 27-Sep-12 14:03:48

If you try to break them up you may just push them together.

I suspect most teens date people their parents dont like.

Have you raised your concerns with her?

Nichols2828 Thu 27-Sep-12 19:33:54

Firstly thank you very much for your advise. We have tried to talk to her but do take your point, we need to tread carefully. Thank and regards

VivaLeBeaver Thu 27-Sep-12 19:39:04

While he sounds unsuitable I'm not sure he's a groomer. She's over the age of consent. He does sound a bad influence.

When I was 16 I dated a bloke who was 32. My parents must have been horrified but never said anything. Looking back I think they must have been concerned that doing so would push us together. But then my bf wasn't taking drugs, I wasn't skipping college or telling lies. So I can see that this situation is worse.

Have you confronted her about her behaviour, skipping college, the money? Would focusing on that be a possible angle?? Talking to her about how she is throwing her eduction away, career prospects, etc.

Nichols2828 Thu 27-Sep-12 20:03:22

Hi and thank you very much, you are giving us really sound advise which we will take on board.
Thanks again and regards

SecondhandRose Thu 27-Sep-12 22:17:01

I wouldnt confront her but you can express your concern obviously. He sounds like a very ill man, is there any chance she could be trying to help him? Have you ever seen him in the flesh? Is he local to you?

KillerRack Fri 28-Sep-12 05:30:45

Well he's not a groomer shes over the age of consent,

you said shes a 'very young' 17 year old, what does that mean does she have LD? In that case I'd be concerned.

He sounds very ill mentally,physically both etc

Why do you suspect he has AIDS?

Nichols2828 Fri 28-Sep-12 13:12:46

Hi thanks for your help and in answer to your questions she is a very naive 17 year old and this her first boyfriend, and we suspect he has aids as he openly advertises himself as being interested in both sexes and to look at him he is painfully thin and has had both lungs collapsed and has told us he has discolouration of the skin on his chest which we believe are symptoms but we could be wrong she also spends most of her spare time communicating with him on some type of chat room, and we don't know if we should take this device of her any further help would be much needed and appreciated.

KillerRack Fri 28-Sep-12 14:31:23

Why is she so naiive though? has she not been educated on instincts,judging people etc.
maybe a frank conversation is needed before she becomes a target for every dodgy person.
Erm I would share you suspicion if you think he has aids,
Has she met him IRL ?

SomeoneThatYouUsedToKnow Fri 28-Sep-12 16:36:30

Do you think it might help if you could engineer to meet up with him? Perhaps you could invite him over for a meal.

ShirtyKnot Fri 28-Sep-12 16:37:42

hmm to the AIDS stuff. Get a clue.

Nichols2828 Fri 28-Sep-12 18:30:34

Thank you all for your advise

KillerRack Fri 28-Sep-12 18:57:26

don't statistics show that more straight people pass aids around atm?

EdBird Fri 28-Sep-12 22:30:34

KillerRack -I agree, statistics do show this. seems less publicity now cos more treatable.

KillerRack Sat 29-Sep-12 15:34:27

I don't think the man in ? is well enough himself to be a 'groomer' he sounds quite pathetic.

droves Sun 30-Sep-12 06:22:35

Best thing you can do in this situation is tell your dd how much you love her , and appreciate having her around . Make her feel safe secure and above all loved . Do some love-bombing on her if you like.

Give her lots of compliments and encouragement for positive things she does ...point is the more confident and happy she Is the less likely she is to be " easy pray " for such a manipulative bloke .( He is manipulative , or else he would be going for a woman in her 20s not a teenager , I know I married a nightmare just like him ..met him at 17 if my self esteem hadnt been in the gutter I wouldnt have looked at him twice ! )

Do lots of fun stuff with her , lots of girlie days and encourage her to bring her friends around to your house a lot .

If she's not got that many friends , try and take her to places where she will meet lots and lots of nice teens her own age ( so she can make more friends ) .

The worst thing you can do is slag off this guy , all it will do is make her think of him in a " forbidden fruit " kind of way which will make him seem more exciting and thrilling .

Re : the aids ...I think he sounds more like a drug user tbh .

I know someone who is HIV + and he's completely healthy looking , clear skin ,really good looking . The virus is well controlled now using advanced drugs , it's not like it was back in the 80s where it progressed quickly and people looked awful.

I don't know about the money , have you asked her where she got it ? Perhaps she has sold something ?

If you really want to limit the time she spends on the Internet chatting to him disable the modem you have / hide the dongle / only have it on at a certain time , then tell her you can't afford the bills as everything has gotten so expensive with the recession so it has to be timed now ? .or take the cable to work with you ? ( the one that powers the wireless router )

Don't top up her phone for her as much if it's got Internet / smart phone . ( can't afford to rather than you don't want to iykwim ? ) .

SavoyCabbage Sun 30-Sep-12 06:28:00

I would do what droves advises. Try to open up the world a little bit for her if you see what I mean. Go to London for a week, or Paris if you live in London. Go to a Persian restaurant. Go and watch a roller derby.

droves Sun 30-Sep-12 06:31:15

I'd also install some kind of spyware on her computer if possible so you will be able to see what they have spoken about if they do manage to chat ... Don't tell her though .

I think there is a online txt saving thing to where you can see txts if you add in the phone number , and a " find my phone" . If you register her number/phone then you will effectively be able to find her if you ever need to .
( most teenagers have phones glued to them ) . Tell her it's so you can find her phone incase it gets lots or stolen .

Nichols2828 Sun 30-Sep-12 19:24:44

Hi Droves,
I can't believe the amount of time and thought you have putting in to answering my plea for help I think your advise is absolutely bang on, I am going to implement all of your suggestions.
Thank you so much and kind regards

SecondhandRose Sun 30-Sep-12 21:11:45

Brilliant advice from Droves

KillerRack Mon 01-Oct-12 16:14:11

droves advise is good,

I really wouldn't install spyware on a 17 year old. firstly she would loose all rust if she found out.
Secondly she is 17, she needs to learn how to navigate and operate sensibly the world of the internet.

HiHowAreYou Mon 01-Oct-12 16:34:07

I wouldn't advise spying on a 17 year old because you don't like her boyfriend!
That's an awful idea!

Have you met him?

Nichols2828 Wed 03-Oct-12 20:59:46

Hi how are you
Yes we have met him on the plus side although desperately thin he seemed ok, it was only when we met again with my brother that the questions started to arise with a flurry of questions and equally a flurry of lies in retaliation this was what sparked our doubts, eg he couldn't remember his date of birth. The bottom line is unfortunately with age becomes experience of a kind and we are positive he will be a very negative influence on her life, the desired outcome would be to split this relationship up as there are a lot of nice boys out there. Any advise would be appreciated. Regards

YUNoSaySomethingNice Wed 03-Oct-12 21:56:39

Will she be going away to Uni next year?

RubyrooUK Wed 03-Oct-12 22:05:29

Does he really weigh five and a half stone? My petite female friend was in hospital on a drip for anorexia at five and a half stone; surely a man would not be able to function if he was that weight?

Just to add that I had one boyfriend at 15 who was terribly anorexic and looking back, he looked appalling. Lots of people probably thought he was a drug addict and he was always joining bisexual goth groups blush. He was not a bad person, just experimenting and without self-esteem. Luckily my parents just sat it out until I realised he wasn't for me (although my mum was definitely anxious). I'd follow droves advice except for the spyware.

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