14 year old son sending very sexually explicit messages to girl he has just met

[bargainmad]

who is also aged 14 - I found them when I was using his ipad and his facebook app popped up.

He met her on Saturday at the leisure complex near us and on Sunday it was - I knew you were desperate to suck me off etc etc and I hope you are wearing more appropriate clothing as we won't be able t o do much with that jumpsuit you were wearing etc etc.

We have had words tonight and I have told him this is not appropriate for a 14 year old. He says she is now his girlfriend like this should make any difference.

This is the first sign of any interest in girls and is very worrying. She did reply to his messages and say maybe we should just chill but this is just too much too son.

Maybe he feels he needs to act like this and it is expected of him?? I have told him it is not and the majority of 14 year old girls would not like to be "harrassed" like this sexually.

Am I right? This is all new to me - we did and still do have problems with our 17 year old but not girl related as I think he was put off for life when he got dumped by a girl at the age of nearly 15 and took it very badly.

[Mintberry]

Hmm, I don't think you should consider your son abnormal in any way...

The brain of a teenage boy is a vulgar, vulgar place! I'm on the younger side of MNers, and it doesn't seem like that long ago since I was that age! Most teens want to feel and sound like they're older than they are. They talk big. A lot of teen boys at that age lie to their friends about what they've done with girls, and believe the stories their friends tell! He'll feel like he's just acting normally for his age.

Although, from what you said, the girl wasn't quite so forthcoming in response, and he didn't seem to have twigged this, so maybe advise him not to be so forward with girls? He needs to learn a little more tact and respect, or he's not going to be very successful with the opposite sex when he gets older.

[bargainmad]

I don't think he's abnormal - it just shocked me that he was like that with a girl so soon. He's obviously doing it because he thinks he should behave like that.

[foolingwithmisskitty]

I think in the internet age with live in teenage boys gain most of their sexual education from porn films which is probably where he gets this idea that girls are desperate to suck boys off! Continue the dialogue with him about respecting girls and gently explain to him he is unlikely to get a positive response from pressurising and sex is only truly pleasurable when both parties are consenting and enjoying it. Keep up the good work

[cory]

I think you are right to pull him up: he has naive and immature ideas as to what is expected of him and could easily come across as creepy or threatening without intending to- he needs this gently spelled out to save him from embarrassment and potential complications.

[Lambethlil]

I'm not sure whether to be impressed or horrified at the calmness of everyone's responses.
I have teenage dcs of both types and would be livid if the dds received such a text and mortified if ds sent one. What have you discussed re relationships so far?

[bargainmad]

I have told him that if her parents saw the messages and knew where he lived, I would expect a knock on the door from them, especially as he has just met her.

Around 18 months/2 years ago we gave him a book about puberty, sex and relationships which he ready but obviously had no interest in girls at the time so he didn't ask any questions. I must get this out again and see what it covers about this type of thing - it was a Brook recommended book "Let's Talk About Sex"

Other than that, and we are probably at fault here, we haven't talked about sex, relationships etc.

I know he has looked at porn sites - it would be very unusual if he hadn't - and I have told him today that they bear no relation to real life sex and most girls would not want to be pressured into doing those types of things even if they were 16 plus.

[Shakey1500]

I'm also

It's not like this is it??? 14 year olds talking about "being sucked off"??? Am I a naive 40 (odd) year old and this is the norm at that age now?

[ravenAK]

I think you could usefully point out to him that quite a lot of 14 year old girls would find it amusing to share those sort of messages with a wider audience, & take the piss out of him for being a creepy desperate sex pest.

I'm sure he isn't. I'm sure he's just a fairly naive 14 year old boy showing off & basing it on something he's seen on a porn site.

But as a secondary school teacher I have extensive first hand experience of how these things can snowball once someone's decided their new bf is a bit too full-on, & shared his embarrassing posts with their entire friend list to explan why...

[bargainmad]

That's what I want to know - is it the norm? I have read loads of newspaper articles recently which suggest boys growing up in the past 5 years and in future are going to have terrible relationship problems due to internet porn being readily available and it affecting how they see girls and relationships.

One of my friend's sons went through puberty at age 10 and they found out he was ringing sex lines - he found the numbers in the back of the paper.

You do hear of 14 year old girls being sexually active and this worries me also. I read on here tonight that 25% of teenager have sex before they are 16.

[bargainmad]

I am also thinking - what if he is obsessed by sex and trying to grind her down?? I don't see what else I can do except continue the dialogue with him.

Even after he knew I had read the messages and told his dad he still asked us to pick him up this evening to meet her!

I really hope it all fizzles out very soon

[Lambethlil]

Re it being the norm, I think you have to establish what you expect from your dcs. You mention having another son, and no daughters? Think carefully about what messages he's getting about women and relationships. Why did he think it was ok to send these texts, and what can you do to counter this.

[Lambethlil]

What did you do about taking him to meet her?
Have you explicitly told him that you feel that 14 is too young to be engaging in a sexual relationship via text or in real life?

[Asinine]

How does he access porn sites? Why would you consider it abnormal if he hadn't ? Do you have filters on your computer?

Lots of questions...

Fwiw ours cannot access porn at home and I would not be happy finding a text message like that on my DDs phone.

[bargainmad]

I think any messages he is getting about women and relationships comes mainly from films, tv, music videos etc. Everyone says we leave in a more sexualised society and maybe we as adults don't notice it but maybe it is affecting boys' views of women.

There are no girls in the family and no girl cousins.

[brighteyedbushytailed]

there's nothing wrong with him he's a 14 year old boy.

men often need it spelling out , and plus she said to chill, maybe say
'Look I know you fancy the lass but you will come across and a bit desperate and pervy with that message.'
he won't like it but your being honest,
14 years old is way too young to be putting any sort of 'misogyny' implications on a boy,he is still very young probably regurgitating what he has heard from older boys.

[bargainmad]

Yes, I have explicitly told him all of the above.

What else can I do? I can't go completely over the top and ground him, take his phone and computer off him - I am sure everyone would then say I was going over the top and he would just want to see her even more (even though that is exactly what I feel like doing).

[Asinine]

Cross posts, I agree that 'the norm' can be the opposite of what's right for some people, it depends on your own opinions about sex and relationships.

[Chubfuddler]

You seem very matter of fact about the porn he has encountered. I would be v concerned about that tbh.

[bargainmad]

I think a lot of teenagers can access porn on their phone these days as well. From what I have read in the papers it is a HUGE problem.

And then there is the problem of sexting - girls sending naked pictures of themselves by text.

Some people on hear sound like they can't believe these things happen - do they not read the papers or do the papers exaggerate everything for the sake of a story.

[Chubfuddler]

I don't agree that 14 is too young to be addressing mysoginy. You accept we live in a highly sexualised culture, I think you need to discuss that with him, discuss the messages he is getting and his responses to those messages. You can't just put head in sand and hope for the best.

[MrsjREwing]

Sadly it is the norm. My dd's two of similar age to your ds have to deal with boys coming out with these things. I think the boys are exposed to too much porn.

I have to talk to my Y8 about gestures a girl showed her, it was the sex and the city one Samantha did to Richard when she caught him with ow. I had to tell dd to stop and what it meant vaguely, she was repulsed, apparently all the girls do it as a sort of two finger insult.

[bargainmad]

I can't imagine there is any 14 year old boy in the country who hasn't accessed internet porn - it is far from ideal but it is a fact and I don't like it at all.

I look at the history regularly and know he has been on sites a handful of times. Maybe I need to look into getting this stopped but I don't know anyone who has filter stopping it.

[Lambethlil]

brighteyed I disagree 14 is not too young to be calling this misogyny. I'm sure he's getting these ideas from all sorts of sources, but as parents, if we don't like the messages our children are getting we challenge them/ ensure they aren't their primary influences.

[Lambethlil]

bargain what did you say to him when you saw he'd accessed porn?