Teenage daughter spreading her wings!

[Roy1265]

This is my first post, I guess like many others I joined this forum to get some advice. I am a father of 3 children, my eldest is my 16 year old daughter. Her mother and I have been separated for just over a year now. Anyway, to get to the point, my 16 year old daughter has had only very limited experience with boys. She has left school and started college just 2 weeks ago. She has met a 17 year old guy there that she is now in a relationship with. Neither her mother nor I have ever met this guy, and doing the typical dad thing, I checked him out on facebook. I have no genuine reason for feeling this way, but I have a gut feeling that this guy is going to reel her in, chew her up and then spit her out! As I?m sure is true of most 17 year old boys, I expect he is going to try to rush my daughter in to a sexual relationship.

Today, she has set off to meet him for the first time on her own, and though her mum has given her the 'stay safe' speech, I am very concerned about her meeting on her own with this guy that she has so recently met. Naturally, she has been told to stay in public areas, and avoid isolated spots, but when she is out there, she will do her own thing. I am perhaps for the first time as a parent hit by the feeling that there is little or nothing I can do to prevent this relationship. After all, she sees him Monday-Fridays at college, and during that time she is free to do exactly as she wants. Don?t get me wrong, it?s not that I distrust my daughter, its more that I do not trust this boy! As I said, my distrust is based only on a gut instinct! I believe my daughter is still quite naive at 16, and that she may be easily led by this ?street-wise? guy.

I have only just found out about this relationship, and intend to discuss my concerns with my daughter when I next see her. I can?t prevent the relationship, especially s the ?absent? father, if either myself or her mum tried to condemn the relationship then the lines of communication would probably close, and the likelihood is that she would still see him anyway. We just wouldn?t know about it.

I guess my question is, how do I deal with my daughter growing up and spreading her wings? Am I just being a typical dad? Should I back off? My head is doing somersaults going backwards and forwards over the issues. Advice please!

[VivaLeBeaver]

Reel her in, chew her up, spit her out?

Probably. As its unlikely that the relationship will go the distance and they will still be togetehr in 10 years time. Though on the other hand it could be her that chews him up, spits him out.

Yes you do need to back off. Relationship woes and upsets are part of growing up. She probably will have her heart broken a few times. You need to be there to pick up the pieces/cheer her up when that happens. But give her space in the mean time.

At 16 she may well be ask keen as him to have sex. She will be having sex soon, if not with him then with someone else. She may well have had sex already.

The best thing you or her mother can do is have a chat with her about going on the pill or depo as well as using condoms. Then if a condom splits, they forget she's still protected against pregnancy. But she needs to be reminded to use condoms to protect against STIs.

[MedusaIsHavingABadHairDay]

Yes you do need to back off I'm afraid. As Viva says, your job may be to pick up the pieces when it falls through, and to offer lots of support. And stop stalking him on facebook..that is OTT.

Whether she is or isn't ready for a sexual relationship (and let's be honest..how many of us really WERE when we first tried it?!) all you and her mum can do is have a chat about being sensible and having good contraception and hope for the best. She may well be keen to have sex and it is up to her.

I wish I could have bubble wrapped my girls (and boys for that matter) for longer but they did insist on growing up and I have had to watch from the sidelines, then cuddle the sobbing child at the end of it. It's the next stage of parenting I'm afraid!!

[Roy1265]

Medussa, I hardly feel that checking out the profile of the boy who 'pops up' on facebook as in a realtionship with my daughter constitutes stalking him! Can I really be in the minority of parents who would do that?

That said, your words of advice are well thought out and I thank you for your comments.

[SecretSquirrels]

You are over-reacting big time. I understand the emotions you feel but you must not voice them. Anything you say about him will be analysed by her in great detail and she will pick up on negativity.
As a mother of boys I would also point out that not all 17 year old boys are experienced with girls nor are they all sexual predators.
Yes, she will get her heart broken, if not by him then the next one. You will mop up the tears and you never get used to it.

[schoolchauffeur]

Yes you have to back off here I am afraid and it is indeed the case that not all 17 year old boys are sexual predators, Many of them are as wary of getting too involved too quickly as the girls. All you can do is to ensure that she knows how to protect herself in the future should the relationship develop in that way and ensure she knows that she is empowered/confident enough not to be pushed into aspects of a relationship she is not ready for. We made it very clear to our DD that anyone worth being in a relationship with will not push you into doing anything you are not comfortable with and will be happy to enjoy the relationship as it is, until you are.

[purplewithred]

Bless.

[chocoluvva]

I'm impressed that you managed to find his profile on facebook.
That's exactly what I'd do too (if I knew how).
As your DD is a nice girl she PROBABLY won't want to have much to do with a boy who's awful. Is it his facebook profile that's giving you a bad feeling about him?
Do you see the profiles of other teen boys - to compare, as it were. I was shocked by the bad language used by many of my DD's friends (not in front of me), but they're otherwise very nice so I assume it's a generation thing IYSWIM.
I'd suggest you strongly encourage your DD to bring her BF to her mum's or yours so you can meet him and hopefully feel a bit more reassured about him.
NHS stats on teens sexual activity are 25% of teens sexually active before 16, 50% become sexually active aged 16, so according to these figures 50% of 16yos are not sexually active until after that age.
Good luck, I know how you feel.

[BackforGood]

You know, there's an awful lot of really lovely 16 - 18 yr old boys out there who are just as innocent, and just as nervous about starting relationships as the more innocent girls. Give him a chance, poor lad!

[BonnieBumble]

Yes you definitely need to back off. If I had experienced this level of over protectiveness at this age I would have gone crazy.

How do you know your daughter won't be the one that breaks his heart?

[Roy1265]

I thank you all for your comments and advice. I guess I am being somewhat over protective! I am just so scared of her getting hurt. She is still my babygirl and it seems just yeterday that I used to rock in my arms.

Inside, I know I am being unfair on this new boy in her life, if I'm honest, it just scares me so much. Will I ever get used to this? Oh God, I hope so!

[VivaLeBeaver]

She's not your babygirl though! She could legally get married and have kids if she wanted to!

Stop making it about you 'cos it ain't.

[LaurieFairyCake]

You need to want a nice, fulfilling sex life for your daughter if that's what she wants.

To facilitate that you need to make sure she stays safe sexually and that includes contraception and only doing what she wants.

One of the things I have encouraged teenagers who have lived with me to do is make sure that they know they can call me wherever they are, whenever it is , if they are worried or scared - and that I will only be minority irritated at being woken

[Roy1265]

VivaLeBeaver, thank you for your comments, You are of course quite correct, she is legally old enough to do many things without parental consent, however, as a parent, surely its ok to worry about the welfare of our children.

I am most certainly NOT making it all about me. I have taken the advice from those kind enough to comment, and I thank them for thier inteligent input, it is always good to get advice from other parents who may have experienced similar things.

[FelicitywasSarca]

You need to want a nice, fulfilling sex life for your daughter if that's what she wants.

Er, no you don't. What you need to do is double check she is armed with all the facts/the pill/a packet of condoms. And then do your best to forget about it all unless she comes to you for advice.

[LaurieFairyCake]

No, I think sex education and having a fulfilling time is more than condoms and the pill - I also talk about what's in it for women from a feminist perspective, what the problems with porn are, and about the female orgasm.

Where else would they learn that stuff?

Sex is for women too and it's spectacularly unhelpful to just give them condoms and the pill without talking about relationships and what's in it for women when they have sex.

[FelicitywasSarca]

Just out of interest did anyone talk to you about those issues? Who?

I learnt those things, not from my father. A fact I'm very grateful for, thanks very much.

[LaurieFairyCake]

Oh yeah, perhaps he doesn't need to talk to her about that, but his wife should - its enough for him to want her to actually be enjoying her love life and able to make good decisions about relationships.

If he's done his job as a father over the years he really doesn't need to be stalking boys on Facebook

[Roy1265]

Lol Laurie, the thought of me stalking boys on FB is quite humourous! The fact is that my daughter changed her FB profile to 'in a relationship' at which point he popped up on FB as a potential friend. Now, clicking on his name to find out a little more about him is a far cry from stalking.

The fact is I want my daughter to have a fulfilling life in all things, as any caring father would.

[concernedparent1]

Typical dad. Trying backing off, I mean she's already at college. She's never going to learn how to fend for herself if you don't let her. And even if this guy is bad news, she will have to learn the hard way. If she never makes any mistakes she will never learn. Just some helpful advice beforehand is all that's needed.

[cory]

Why do you assume it will be him who reels her in, chews her up and spits her out and not the other way round? Do you think girls do not have the capacity to break a boy's heart? As someone who grew up with three brothers I see very little evidence of that.

The best thing you can do for your daughter is to teach her to see herself as a competent, intelligent near-adult who is capable of looking after herself and making good decisions about her life. And the only way you can teach her that is by thinking it yourself.

Protective feelings are all very well but in the long run the only person who can protect her is she herself- so that's how you've got to get used to looking at things. If you believe that she is a sweet helpless little girl thing who has to be protected by men because she is a woman, then she may take that from you - and she will be much less safe in the adult world.

People often take you at your own evaluation: someone who has been taught to think that they are helpless and need others to make decisions for them is often the first person to be exploited by men. Think about it- if you were a heartless exploiter of women, who would you pick on: the strong woman who feels equal to men and is not afraid to say so or the helpless and protected little babygirl? It's like muggers: time and time again studies have shown that they are far less likely to pick on someone who walks confidently with assertive body language.

And don't forget that if you had a boy, you would be worried about someone taking advantage of his innocence. Maybe this boy's parents are.

Also, remember that getting your feelings hurt or what is conventionally known as your heart broken is not the worst thing that can happen to you in life.