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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

Teens sleeping together in your house

43 replies

bearbee02 · 08/09/2012 20:31

DD is 18 soon and wants to sleep with her boyfriend at our house overnight. We say no, she says yes. What do you suggest?

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shrimponastick · 08/09/2012 20:33

You said no. It is your house - your rules.

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modifiedmum · 08/09/2012 20:36

i agree your house your rules. i'd let my son have his other half over when they are both 16 but thats only my view. whatever YOU say goes. put your foot down and be firm :)

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cheesesarnie · 08/09/2012 20:36

Your house, your rules I agree.

But........ my mother used to say she would rather if we were going to 'do anything' that it was in the safety of her/my home than in a dingey aleey way or park .
I/we respected her for trusting us and treating us as the grown ups that we were.

I also think it depends on the relationship- is it quite new?

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bearbee02 · 08/09/2012 20:45

Thank you. I'm so confused. The bf is not new to her but is new to us as she kept quiet about him. They sleep together at his dad's but here....? I don't want to lose her but...

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bearbee02 · 08/09/2012 20:58

Would you let your nearly 18 year old sleep with her bf in your house overnight? Why?

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TinyDancingHoofer · 08/09/2012 21:09

It's your house so of course you can say no and she should respect that. But I'd say if you want her to consider your house as her home then maybe reconsider.

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AMumInScotland · 08/09/2012 21:09

Personally, I wouldn't have a problem with it. But if you let her have this boyfriend sleep over, then it's trickier in future not to always allow it, so you have to think about whether its something you are ok with in general. If you're not, then that's for youto choose - its your house and you don't have to allow any behaviour there that you don't approve of.

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cheesesarnie · 08/09/2012 21:39

I would (although as my eldest is only 12 maybe ask me again in 6 years ) because of what I outlined in my post above.

As she is 18, can you not both sit down and discuss your worries/ concerns?

Why did she keep him a secret?

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GoldandOrangeAnnunziata · 08/09/2012 21:40

In your case I'd say no for now, if they're still together in the New Year we'll reconsider.

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bearbee02 · 08/09/2012 22:12

Thank you everyone, this is all very helpful.

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deleted203 · 10/09/2012 02:45

I would not. 19 year old DD has been with boyfriend 4 years and 17 year old DD with bf for 1 year. Boys are welcome to stay, but in spare room. They have no problem with this. I'm aware both girls are on pill and assume they are sexually active but I don't want to hear the details (or the action, m'dears). However, having major problems with 18 year old son this weekend who brought unknown girl home for sex (despite knowing the house rules) and have booted him out. Advice welcomed on my thread of 'should I have kicked him out'. Really upset by outcome but it's a question of respecting other people's rules and boundaries.

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OhNoMyFoot · 10/09/2012 03:07

No to staying over or no too in her room? Very different things, although with the same result

Your house, your rules.

Just try and remember what it's like at her age.

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schoolchauffeur · 10/09/2012 09:40

I would say it is your house your rules, but in my book your DD is an adult who, depending on the circumstances presumably will not be able to afford her own place for some time if she is student etc My DD will be 18 next year and I like to think that by then we will allow her to be an adult living in our house and behaving like an adult and that it is her home too.So I would say it is reasonable if an adult has been in a committed relationship for some time then it is reasonable for them to want to have a physical relationship with that person in their own home. I would not agree with bringing back a variety of different partners though, but then I would not do that myself either. I would expect my DD to show the same discretion to us as we would to her- no obvious loud sex, crashing in late in the middle of the night making a noise, leaving the place in a tip. In other words living as another responsible adult in the home.

I had a very good friend years ago who spent pretty much every weekend at her boyfriends house from ages 17 to 22 when they finally got married- because her mum refused to let them share a room until they were married. He was a lovely lad as well- still married 25 years later- and I do know that the mum now really regrets her stance and feels that she missed out on a lot of time with her DD. ( He was her first and only boyfriend and she was a real "toe the line" kid- no drinking, no staying out late, grade A student- just wanted to be with the boyfriend)>

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Hullygully · 10/09/2012 09:42

I would say that you all needed to get to know him first, have some dinners etc and then see how you feel.

I was allowed my bf (family knew him well, longstanding), but my dsis wasn't as he was new and unknown (and didn't last).

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hdaadh · 10/09/2012 11:56

I am a father of 3 children, eldest two have left home.

My youngest, a daughter, will be 18 next month. She's a 'good' girl, polite, works hard at school, ambitious, friendly etc. We are quite close. She has a newish boyfriend, a year older, they've been together a month, maybe 6 weeks. First serious one, I'd say. She has previously slept over at his (mother's) house, and this weekend he stayed here with her in her room, with my permission. He is also a good boy, extraordinarily polite, personable, well-educated. I'd met him once before and liked him. He's going off on gap year travels in 2 days time, wont be back for 3 months.

My wife (daughter's stepmother) freaked out. Said that no one she knew, no one in her family, people she works with....no one would ever have allowed this. She's now getting quite intensely weird about this. TBH this isn't the only issue between us by any means, but it's the first time that these issues have involved any of the kids. She has a son, also 17 but he has lived with his father since he was 3, and I would not call their relationship close. She sees him maybe once every 3 weeks.

Having read this and similar threads I think my decision to let the boyfriend stay was a good one. I hadnt really thought of asking other people, I am not close to any other parents but just kind of trusted my judgement. The question is: should I have asked my wife first? I didnt, which is probably symptomatic of our pre existing problems.....But the daughter is not a child, and my wife often makes it clear that she isnt really interested in 'family' stuff.

Maybe one for a different forum, but would welcome your thoughts

Thank you

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hdaadh · 10/09/2012 12:09

Just to clarify the above - I didn't ASK my wife if it was ok for the boyfriend to stay, but I really did talk about it with her, and said that I thought it WOULD be OK. My wife has frequently made it very clear that 'family' matters don't interest her and she does not regards herself as a stepmother, so I thought this would all be pretty straightforward. My wife is looking forward to it being just the 2 of us after my daughter leaves home.....

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bakingaddict · 10/09/2012 12:14

I've many many years before I have to cross this hurdle but my sentiments are exactly the same as cheesesarnie's mum and schoolchauffuer.

If you have met the boyfriend/girlfriend and they're obviously not a one-night stand/casual sex I think it's a bit prudish and Victorian to accept that they are having sex but take a 'not in my house stance' condemning them to have sex everywhere but in the safety of their own home

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pinkbraces · 10/09/2012 12:17

This is such a hard one.

My 18 yr old DD asked this weekend if her BF could stay over, I said I wasnt ready for this yet!

I have taken her to get the pill, we are very close but this is so hard. Part of my problem is that my daughters bedroom is above ours, and I dont want to hear them!

I think I will end up changing my mind otherwise she will end up spending her weekends when she is home from Uni at his house, his parents dont mind her staying.

I also dont agree your house your rules......... we always have to negotiate and adapt. Its not always easy though.

Good luck :)

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brass · 10/09/2012 12:20

staying over every night? that's like moving in surely?!

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AMumInScotland · 10/09/2012 12:21

hdaadh - do you/does your daughter have other people to stay in the house without agreeing it with your wife first? If you have the kind of household where there are often random people around for breakfast, then that's one thing, but if people staying over are normally planned and discussed ahead of time, then that's a bit different. Obviously the sex is another topic, but I wouldn't want to suddenly find an 18yo youth (or girl) in the house without having any option on disagreeing.

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brass · 10/09/2012 12:22

and yes I'd certainly want to get to know him better as a person before he started sleeping in my house regularly!!!

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Numberlock · 10/09/2012 12:23

My wife is looking forward to it being just the 2 of us after my daughter leaves home

That doesn't sound too good, hdaadh.

At first I mis-read and thought you meant that you thought you should have asked your daugther's mum about the boyfriend staying over. But you mean your current wife, don't you, (daughter's step-mum).

I guess it's her home too so you should consult her on who stays over but it concerns me that she freaked out and has no interest in family matters.

(Anyway, don't wish to hijack this thread so why don't you start a new one?)

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Hullygully · 10/09/2012 12:40

hdaadh your post is very sad. How sad for all of you that your wife isn't interested in family matters and being a stepmother.

That being the case I think you should tell her to get stuffed and follow your own instincts.

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AgathaFusty · 10/09/2012 13:54

Our children are 21 and 18 and both have their respective boyfriend and girlfriend to stay over. My thoughts are that I would rather they were safe in their own home, than out taking risks in some alleyway somewhere (which they will do if they have nowhere to go), that I would rather they were in their home, with us interacting with the boyfriend/girlfriend than staying out at the boyfriend/girlfriends house all the time because their parents allow it. Also, that it maintains their closeness with us, since we have more time with them and are seen to be 'allowing' them to grow up in their own good time. This means that they tend to come to us with any problems - which is obviously a good thing.

My DH was a little uncomfortable with this at first. He agreed with my views, which I have always held and felt strongly about since being a teenager myself, but he found he had a period of adjustment to go through when it became obvious that our children had reached that stage. He's fine about it though.

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hdaadh · 10/09/2012 16:20

My approach to this has really been based on my own experience, when I was a teenager in the 1970s (!). I lived with my mother; her rule was that if she'd met and liked the girl it was OK for her to stay, if she'd met and didn't like her then no, and if they hadn't met then that was also a no. This seems pretty enlightened and reasonable to me. A 17 or 18 year old, particularly someone who seems aware, intelligent etc, is not really someone you should just be bossing around. It is my daughter's home too, and I guess she has certain rights & privileges as well as obligations.

TBH the other stuff concerning my relationship with my wife (ie daughter's stepmother) isnt relevant to this thread and I'll drop it unles someone can suggest another forum!

But thanks to everyone. Clearly there are no 'rules' that apply to everyone in all circumstances- quite the opposite. I was just glad to hear that a fair proportion of parents agree that this can sometimes be the right thing to do, and that has helped me.