Advanced search

15yo daughter is out of control and I've no idea how to handle this

(12 Posts)
BirthdayIdeas Tue 10-Jul-12 16:07:36

My daughter moved to live with her Dad, after I suffered from depression 2 years ago. She's always been really difficult, but now it's completely out of control, as he's just let her please her self for the last year. She has been expelled from school, takes drugs daily and is verbally and physically violent.
I took her away on holiday last week and it just about finished me off, it was the worst week of my life, and it's awaful to admit it but I'm scared of her. She's hit me, bitten me, pulled my hair and uses the most foul abusive language in public at the top of her voice towards me.
She was supposed to be staying with me for 2 weeks as her dad has just gone on holiday with our son. I couldn't face it. I begged social to take her into care but they wouldn't. In the end she's gone to stay with a friend of mine (who I will for ever be indebted to).
I have to go and take over next week as my friend is going away, I need to find the strength to deal with her, but the thought of it terrifies me, I can't eat or sleep with worrying about it.
I know I'm opting out, I know I have a responsibility to look after her, how can I get control of the situation?

Brightspark1 Tue 10-Jul-12 19:54:12

She sounds like a very angry unhappy girl who has clearly been affected by your illness. I wonder whether there are any times both of you are able to talk about your lives and your feelings, or has she shut you out completely? I also wonder how she feels about her dad going on holiday with your son, and without her. Having said that, she has subjected you to abuse that if you received from anyone else would have you ringing the police, however she is feeling, you should not put up with being hit. It's not enough to threaten the police, you have to be prepared to follow through. Before you bring her home you have to make the boundaries clear, and tell her you love her unconditionally, bit you won't put up with her behaviour.

flow4 Tue 10-Jul-12 20:14:44

Birthday, it's hard enough to deal with a difficult teen when your mental health is fantastic; doing it when you have been depressed must be incredibly hard. It's impressive you're still trying smile

If you have been suffering with depression for a couple of years, then your self-esteem might be quite low. So just in case you need to hear it, I'd like to say you do not deserve to be hit, bitten or abused in any other way.

Tell her that the next time she is violent or threatens to be violent, you will call the police. If she is, do it - call 999. The police will come, and they will talk to her, and they will only arrest her if you want them to and/or she has injured you badly - otherwise it will just be a warning for her. She will know you are serious about not tolerating violence any more. If it happens again, phone 999 again. Quite soon she will get the message; my son learned after three occasions.

The other thought I have is - do you have a friend who could come with you, at least for the first day or so? If you are afraid of her, even if you are planning to introduce a new 'no violence rule', it might help reduce your worry if there is someone else there to support you.

Good luck smile

BirthdayIdeas Wed 11-Jul-12 10:54:58

Thank you for your advice. I read it last night and it did make me feel a bit better, a bit stronger.
I got a phone call this morning to day she'd been arrested for assulting a police officer and they were taking her into care. It's a very sad day but she needs proffessional help, more than her family can give her, and I think it's the best place for her.
I also saw the doctor this morning & have been signed off with depression.
Has any-one else experienced this? What happened and how did it turn out? (the care thing not the depression!)

flow4 Wed 11-Jul-12 19:59:25

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I do hope that means you'll both get the support you need.

BirthdayIdeas Wed 11-Jul-12 20:39:47

Lets hope so sad

Brightspark1 Wed 11-Jul-12 21:53:26

Unfortunately I do, I'm not sure how to find previous post that I posted about my daughter going into care, but if you find it , it may help. It's such a long story I'm not sure where to begin, 15 yr old DD was self harming and was quite disturbed, no drug use and was coping at school but her behaviour at home deteriorated at home, she would fly into rages and lash out. I was the main target. She was admitted to an adolescent psychiatric ward, they were useless and made things worse. When she came home, she found it hard to settle back into school, but was doing ok on fluoxetine, until she decided to stop taking it. Then her behaviour deteriorated, she trashed the house and attacked me several times, banging my head against the wall, biting me and hitting me. Things came to a head when social services rang in the middle of one of her rages, they rang the police and she was arrested. She was placed in a place for teenagers and has been there ever since. It was supposed to be short term, but we have been told she has a place there until she is 18. I miss her terribly and I am not coming to terms with it at all. But she has settled, she took her GCSEs , and even did some work for them. She has taken the initiative to apply to college and has got a place. She has matured and is happier and has mostly stopped self harming, it seems she could only get her act together by leaving us. So going into care has been very positive for her.
I am writing this not to hijack your thread, but to say you are not alone.
I have no history of depression, but ended up being signed off for 2 weeks too, I was definitely teetering on the edge. Domestic violence from your children seems to be a taboo no one wants to talk about, there doesn't seem to be any help or support for parents.The only thing has helped is the support I've got on MN. sad

flow4 Wed 11-Jul-12 22:41:55

Here is one you started, Brightspark

And here is one where you share some more of your experiences.

You can use the Advanced Search option (top right) to find posts by searching for a particular nickname or keyword.

flow4 Wed 11-Jul-12 22:55:49

And I'm sorry things are still bad for you too Brightspark sad

You're right I think, that domestic violence from your children is very taboo. I met a senior police officer last week who has responsibility for some DV policy, and it sparked some thoughts... might start another thread about that tho...

Brightspark1 Thu 12-Jul-12 07:35:32

I should take heart from the fact that things seem to be going well for DD (fingers crossed). She is a very different girl from six months ago, she is taking responsibility for herself and is so much more communicative. And she's happier. It's just me struggling to come to terms with the situation. I have premature empty nest syndrome and it's not getting any better. I'll just have to get over it I suppose. Things are better but not in the way I hoped.

BirthdayIdeas Thu 12-Jul-12 10:37:12

Thanks for your story Brightspark, I have read all the threads last night. My daughter was placed in childrens home last night, but she doesn't want to stay there. She keeps phoning and begging me to pick her up.
God this sounds to awful but I can't find it in me to take her back. I can't go back to how it was, she says that won't happen but I don't believe her. But what can this be doing to her knowing that her mum won't come and get her.

coocachoo Fri 07-Feb-14 16:38:43

i read your story very sadly i really hope everything worked out for you both as this is a old thread xx

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: