Loosing my 13old daughter

[zuzan]

I feel I am loosing my DD and that there is nothing I can do about it. She is choosing to live mostly with her father who has a house next door. The little time she spends with me is mostly filled with hate on her part, she picks on my accent and corrects my language, I cannot eat or drink on her presence as it disgusts her and asking her to follow any of my rules is met with confident 'no' and 'what you gonna do about it'. I am sure that is typical teenage thing but she is correct I cannot do anything about it. If she doesnt like something she simply walks out the door.

It is her father who decided and gives her, to me unknown, amount of pocket money, expensive things like mobile phone, computer etc, for a number of years. He also pays for a private school, arranged for face book, twitter. Now she told me she has a bank card. All of these decisions are taken without me and some of them against my wishes. Needless to say I find talking to her father very difficult, we have a turbulent history, he is a very nice person to the outside world and to our daughter but can be bully like and manipulative towards me. He would belittle me and put me down, sometimes dismiss my authority in front of her.

I know it is partly my fault as I allowed this to develop so far but I fear that if I seek a legal solution there would be very little in my favour now.

How do I get my child back?

[3teenhell]

its hard when her father lives next door so its not difficult for her to run.
he buys her things she wants, lets her do things you might not, and at her age its looking to her like her dad is great.
I don't know how to advise you but didn't want to read and run

[TheOriginalSteamingNit]

Your problem is with your ex more than with her - what red-blooded solipsistic 13 year old isn't going to respond like that when one parent undermines the other and spoils her rotten?

If you can possibly talk calmly to him, do, because it's not in his long-term interests to alienate her from you - a child needs to love and respect both parents.

As for her - tell her you love her and you don't want to lose her like this, and that you know it is difficult but you want to sort it out.

[SecondhandRose]

Take a step back from the whole situation. You have to for your sanity. She is very hormonal at the moment and it is all about me, me, me.

Take some time for yourself, make yourself happy, tell your DD you love her but do not engage with her BS. Stay calm. Words you can are things like "I am hurt by what you said" or "that makes me feel sad". Talk about your own feelings only.

At some point she will be back and probably because she has had a fall out with her Father. Dont let either if them bully or manipulate you. If it is possible just disappear for a week or so, dont let them know what you are up to.

Could some relaxation techniques or yoga or something help you? You really need to build up a mental brick wall around you to keep you safe and then your DD will be back when it suits her. X

[SecondhandRose]

I too have a 13 yr old DD, i recently went on a cheapie break to France with a friend and had a fab time. I came home and thought about taking DD for a split second but I then thought are you mad? She will moan about the plane, the food, the internet, the bed, the water, the weather, the lack of shops, money, clothes, sleeping in the same room as me, possibly seeing me in my underwear or swimwear etc etc etc. So for my own sanity I will not be taking DD to France until she is no longer hormonal.

[lemmingcurd]

Sorry to be brutal OP but your self-respect is in pieces. You need to get it back immediately otherwise she'll just carry on walking all over you. Why are you letting her? She's asking you "what you gonna do about it", well what ARE you gonna do about it.

You need to talk to her father, whether he's difficult or not. Get the boundaries put down, NOW.

Assertiveness classes?

[iknowwho]

I'm sorry but this isn't typical teenage behaviour.
I have two teens (16 and 13) and I get the odd strop. There mates (male and female) come round and they talk favourably about their parents (my mum makes the best spag bol in the world! my mum si doing my make up for the prom- she is lovely!) I also worked as a youth worker and often saw how kids interacted with their parents and it wasn't vicious like this. Sure they had falling out do's but this is nasty and I think your ex is to blame.

I'm thinking what I would do and I think you have tolerated it enough.
It appears she knows that she has the upper hand over you ( you need her more than she wants you) TBH I would back off. When she comes round sneering at you I would say ' Enough! Go now' and refuse to be soft or go into flowery explanations. In other words toughen up.

One of mine did go through a phase of sneering (only for a short time) He was told ' who the hell do you think you are talking to? Get out of my sight until you can behave like a decent human being!! '
It won't be easy for you but the main thing, I think, is for you to have respect in yourself and expect it from others. If they don't give it you - disengage! You ar not a piece of shit!!!
Others (including your daughter and your ex will soon learn where they stand)

Good luck darling!