Am I being unfair, please tell me straight! Sorry for rambling

[Ineedaparentinguide]

Hello
I'm really struggling with my DS who is 16 years old. Up until he was 15 he was a happy, smiley kid who I had a great relationship with however; the past 18 months have been hellish. He is my only child so I could be being totally irrational but I just feel at such a loss with him. Over the past 18 months we have incidents of stealing, lying, aggressive behaviour, fighting at school, smoking (cigarettes and weed) and generally being very argumentative and just plain awful. He changed pretty much over night and I have really struggled to adapt to being the parent of a teenager and I think I've made a bit of a hash of it.

DS now has a gf of the sme age who if I'm honest I really don't like but I make the effort with her and try not to show what I think. We recently allowed DS to start staying out at hers once a week but we told him that we wouldn't allow it more frequently than that as we felt it was irresponsible of us to encourage them to sleep together. I know that they are having sex as DS has talked to me about it which resulted in us arranging a sexual health test for him as his gf had clamidia?!?!? We were disgusted by this but ds is not fazed.

More recently we have found that DS is really pushing the boundries and once he gets up at his gf's he won't come home. I'm bombarded with a series of texts until I can't be bothered with the agro any further and just tell him to do what he likes. This has caused massive issues in our house and everything over the past few months has has put a massive strain on my marriage. His gf's dad seems to just let them do whatever they want which frightens the life out of me - she has been able to have her bf's stay over for ages and her 13 year old sister the same. She taunts him about being a baby and threatens to finish him if he can't stay over which he says is my doing beacause I won't let him stay out more.

This week he told me he was going to stay at his gf's for a while because he hates me and can't wait to leave our house, which he says he can't stand. He said there is nothing I can do about it. We've only ever given him the best and have always tried to encourage and support him but on reflection, I think we've maybe spoilt him too much as he has no appreciation for anything or any respect for us.

Sorry for the rant, I feel like I'm laid on a couch lol, am I being too over protective and should I just let him do what he wants depsite the fact that he appears to be throwing all his opportunities away such as college etc in favour of spending time with grotbags?

[Nagoo]

bloody hell. I am a no-nothing parent of little DCs, but no, I don't think you are being unfair.

I think if he is talking to you about sexual health etc. then you must be doing something right.

The girl's family having no boundaries is making this a nightmare for you :( I don't think you are being over protective at all.

Hopefully someone proper will come along in a minute and tell you what to do

[hadagutsfull]

Sorry, no real advice from me either but just wanted to let you know you're not alone. As Nagoo says, the fact that he can talk to you about sexual health says a lot - my teen (almost 15) won't even tell me if he's interested in any girls

You seem to me that you act responsibly and fairly and as hard as it is you must stick with it. You aren't being over protective - they do need boundaries no matter how hard they push against it. I know exactly what you mean about him having no appreciation or respect - if only we could turn the clock back and start again eh? My DS has also changed a lot over the last 6 months or so and it's bloody hard work. Everything started out fine this morning but he has now gone out in a strop after we had words - I won't bore you with the details but it's the usual attitude and rude/dismissive way he speaks to me etc. He's probably forgotten all about it now but I'm sitting here really upset & stewing over it all.

Anyway, sorry - this isn't about me. I hope lots more people come along later to give you advice and reassurance. Sorry I can't offer anything more but like I say, stick with it! Apparently they turn back into nice human beings eventually ...

[AnyFucker]

Am really sorry to lurk with no advice, and I am short of time, but I shall watch your thread with interest

My dd, 16, will have left home by the end of the year, I think

In her eyes, all she gets at home is grief (despite us giving her every opportunity without spoiling her)

She is already angling to stay over at her bf's house, with his mum appeaing to be promoting it. She is flat out refusing to get a job, pronounced her forthcoming college course as "shit" after attending the Induction Day this week, she did no studying for her exams despite our best efforts to support her

I could go on

Boyfriends house of course is going to be the attractive proposition, isn't it ? No grief to get up in the morning, can drop out of college, none of the expectations of two decent parents who want you to make something of your life. At the moment, because me and her dad are out working and sibs at school, she has nothing to do. The less she does, the less she wants to do except pick arguments, work out ever more devious ways to push the boundaries and make everyone else's life hell

I am really sorry, OP. It is shit isn't it, and you feel so fucking helpless

[Nagoo]

Do you have to let them go? Provided no one gets pregnant, then once it all gets boring and they realise that they need to pull their finger out their arse and get a job/ go to college if you are still there then they can come home?

Surely even the most lax parent isn't going to want teenagers in their house slothing around forever are they?

And if they aren't at home they can't pick fights with you so the relationship with you might get better?

It's awful, and I can only speculate, but I can't see another way around it when their behaviour is so unreasonable.

[Ineedaparentinguide]

Thanks for your replies everyone, it's a sad state of affairs when you can take comfort from the fact that other people are suffering and enduring the same ordeal as what you are!

The details I've shared are just a taste of what has happened over the past year or so, I'm sure there's other stuff I've simply forgotten or now pales in significance.

I'm ashamed to say that I lost it with him last night and basically told him the cold hard facts of what I think of him these days which; I'm not proud of and have spent all of last night and today stewing over. He told me that his gf thinks I'm jealous of her and I basically laughed in his face which couldn't have illustrated my feelings towards her any clearer.

Advice I've been given is to let him go, for mine and my dh's sanity but there's a part of me that thinks despite being able to see the logic in it, it is somewhat irresponsible and I am giving him the opportunity to basically become a loser which is what he will be witnessing everyday. I feel pathetic saying this but it has really knocked my confidence and made me a bit depressed I think. I really admire strong, together parents .

I really feel for those of you that are going through the same as me and sincerely hope that it does get better for all of us.

[SecretSquirrels]

You are not being unfair. At 16 they think they are so grown up and even the most compliant teenager nudges the boundaries. It's also frustrating how influential a GF can be. I really don't like the sound of her home background but now that he has gone out with her and spent time there it's very hard to stop it, I think you may have to be ruthlessly tough.
I wish I could give you constructive advice but I really don't have personal experience of troubled teens and I think that is essential.

[Pickgo]

My youngest is 16 with a gap between older ones.

I've had to relearn all the teen dealing again as I'd forgotton how much it can get to you. Had a huges meltdown re housework yesterday

But was only thinking last night how much you have to stick to your guns with teens. Ok, you can't realistically control them, but you can stick to your own principles and keep saying what you believe is right - no matter how much they knock it. Eventually they might see the sense of it. At worst, at least they'll look back eventually and realise you were trying to do your best and save them from themselves and respect you for it as adults.

I try hard not to get confrontational and regularly fail and keep reminding them that what you are saying is because you love them and want what you think is best for them and their future. A few well-directed questions can help as long as they are genuinely neutral eg what are their ambitions for the future? Above all, try to keep talking, which I think is a bit like when they were toddlers you have to set aside the latest 'tantrum' and act like its forgotten to keep communication channels open as much as possible.

[happygrecian]

I'm the stepdad of a just-turned 18 yo daughter, and it shames me to say that we have just gone months without speaking to each other because I got so exasperated by her that I didn't know what to say any more. It was only last weekend when she came back home after two weeks with her bf at college and threatening to move out for good that I was able to speak to her again. I started by telling her how much we love her and will always be here for her. I think I've learnt the hard way that if you choose to fight your teen you may win a few battles but you will lose the war. So pick your battles carefully, make sure they're worth the fight. You may have to concede a hell of a lot to some teens, but keep talking, and forget about whatever may have happened yesterday - focus on today. I feel I need the patience of a saint at the moment with my sd - I love her to bits, but I'm glad I'm not her mum, I think I'd find it a lot harder.

[AnyFucker]

I need to use that MN manta I use so much in elation to other relationships... detach detach detach

I see our mother/daughter bond being eroded day by day and there doesn't appear to be a damn thing I can do about it. I feel very sad, and yes, rather down about it.

I guess I have to get over the sheer disappointment too. That it appears our core values and the ways in which we live our life don't seem to have rubbed off on her, and she is is running at breakneck speed to adopt some others we wouldn't have wanted for our children.

Very selfishly, I am also a bit put out that her lack of ambition, selfishness and laziness reflects on us, her parents. I know that is stupid, but yes, you do get judged in certain quarters.

[AnyFucker]

*mantra

[Pickgo]

Anyfucker do you ever hear good of your DD though from other quarters?

So often those very teens whose mums despair of them are courteous and considerate when they come to my house so that I have trouble recognising them from their parent's description and have wondered if I've got it all mixed up in the past about who is who's child.

Sometimes they really do seem to reserve all the shit side of their personalities as a special gift just for their mums and dads.

[out2lunch]

oh yes i agree with everything on here about teens - they are so scarily similar


arrrrrrrgh

[AnyFucker]

yes, pick, I do

I know she isn't a granny-mugging, cocaine-snorting, mainlining nightmare

and I am thankful for that

it's not enough though...she wants nothing from her life but to stay in bed as long as she can, and the world to owe her a living with minimum effort from her

it's not how she was raised (both her parents self-made from poor backgrounds kind of people) and I am taking it personally which I know has to stop

[Pickgo]

Glad to hear the basics are being observed Any. Any snorting illegal substances in my house would be done by me at the mo

Re the attitude that's most surely a typical teen thing innit? It's a phase and she will grow out of it. Might be that she learns the hard way but as I tried to say upthread, I do think those values that you think are passing her by are the very ones she'll come back to in a few years time. That's how it's been with my older ones.

Know what you mean about the taking it personally - you have to let go a bit but it's so hard while they are still living at home. THey really are a nightmare to live with for a while.

[FiftyShadesofViper]

I was lucky, my DCs were largely ok but I have to tell you all, they will come through this and become lovely young people at some point. Stay true to your own principles and standards but be there for support when they are ready to accept it.

[Feckbox]

Anyfucker are you my sister? You are describing my ( adorable ) niece. Scarily similar in fact. My poor ( hardworking, fab parent ) sister .
No wise words from me.

[TheDetective]

The only piece of advice I can offer is this - the more you argue and push, the more they rebel. When it doesn't become rebellious, they lose interest quickly. Even now, this rings true for me. If someone tells me I can't do something, I'll do it all the more. Cut off your nose to spite your face...

Unfortunately at 16, they can pretty much do an awful lot of what they like. Move out, get a job, etc etc.

Difficult age. Very difficult. Grown up, but not. Try and give him the freedom to be with the slag girlfriend. But encourage him to go to college and get his education too. Tell him he can have what he wants, if he does this for himself (and you).

[Feckbox]

Why do you call his girlfriend a slag ?

[TheDetective]

Why not?

[Feckbox]

It's a misogynistic insult. I wondered why you chose to apply it to the son's girlfriend.

[TheDetective]

Because she is 16, and according to the OP has had boyfriends staying over for ages. She is engaging in risky sexual behaviour, and that can be judged by the fact she has damaged her sexual health. And she is only 16.

If it makes you feel better, I would say the same about a male acting in the same manner. :) I don't discriminate.

[Ineedaparentinguide]

Well, what can I say, our worst nightmares have come true ds moved out over a week ago and last night we were informed that his girlfriend was pregnant. Her family have known for a few days and have 'come round to the idea'. They have told her that abortion is not accepted in her family and that it is a terrible experience. They have also very helpfully worked out her due date and have referred to it as their grandchild. Psychological torture that is making the situation seem all the more real. We are obvioulsy on very different pages and tackling it differently. I was a teenage mum at 18 and I know how difficult being a parent at any age is let alone when you're still a child yourself. I am gutted. I have no idea how to deal with this as ds has moved out and is living with his gfs family and is obviously surrounded by their mis-guided advice. This is not what I want for my son and certianly not with the type of gf he is with. They are basically living in squaler (sp) and I am passed myself with worry.

[slartybartfast]

oh dear.

it is not the end of the world, really,
can you have a heart to heart with her family and her now? you are going to be related to them

[flow4]

Oh Ineeda Some of our teens seem soooooo determined to reject us and everything we stand for, don't they? It's heartbreaking. :(

But - a silver lining, maybe? - if you were a mum at 18, you know how tough it is, but you also know it can turn out OK. Perhaps they'll both grow up a bit, rise to the challenge, and do a decent job of parenting, as you have done :)

Babies are bloody hard work, but they're nice at least... I'd take a baby over drug addiction or prison, any day - and at the moment my bet is evenly split :(

Hang on in there :)