how would you cope with 13 yr old dd completely detaching herself ?

[exasperatedemma]

It came to a head last night when she very calmly and coldly told me that she does love her brother and grandparents, but doesn't love her dad and me. Now she has told me in anger many times that she hates me which I take with a pinch of salt, but this has to be one of the most devastating things I have ever heard from her. Needless to say I was utterly devastated and couldn't stop crying. She was emotionless.

Things have been getting steadily worse over the last 6 months (since she got a Blackberry) and 3 months since she got friendly with kids from another school, who are actually alright and we have not stopped her from spending time with them at all. But she has been detaching herself for months now, and won't even allow me to put my hand on her shoulder let alone hug her - this is really tough for me as up to the age of 12 we were always affectionate towards each other. When she gets upset about something now, she just cries in her room and won't tell me what its about or let me comfort her. She is basically just living here in a bubble, totally disconected from her family which breaks my heart.

I truly do not know how to get her to re-connect - I have been treating her normally hoping that its just a phase that would pass, but I don't think it is. I don't know how to be.

[FireOverBabylon]

My DS is nowhere near this age, so feel free to tell me if I'm wide of the mark, but I think you need to remove the blackberry, get her out of her room and listen to her. If the Blackberry is synonymous with these problems, she needs to earn it back by engaging with the family more - sitting at the table and engaging at meal times, going out on family outings etc.

Are you going away on holiday as a family this summer? It might be a useful time to leave technology at home and to get her talking, about anything, and see if you can steer the conversation. What is it she loves about her grandparents? (they're not you is not an appropriate answer) - press her for concrete examples for things. Some of this will be her age and hormones but she does need to engage more than she has done so far.

[exasperatedemma]

Thank you for your advice, 'fireoverbabylon', yes - we've been taking a firm, but consistent line with the blackberry usage over the last few weeks because with intervention, she would be on it constantly - is totally obsessed with it and gets it confiscated for a few hours, or next day if I have to ask her 3 times to put it down. She has had it confiscated since Wednesday as she just wouldn't put it down after 4 hours straight of being on it!
We're going on holiday this summer and they don't take their phone's with them when we go abroad and holidays are usually brilliant and she is her usual engaging self. I hope that will happen again!
Funny enough, she doesn't actually spend much time with her grandparents and I think she just sees them as the kindly people they are - nothing to rage against there!
over the last year we have moved from being fairly strict, to treading the middle ground and letting her have much more freedom in going out, she goes out into the next town to meet her friends at least 3 times a week but has lately been just getting the bus there after school and not even letting me know where she is. This results in a grounding and the cycle repeats. We're just getting nowhere, I thought by now she would have got the message that if she shows balance, she gets to still keep/do all the things she wants.

[amillionyears]

Ok,several things.
i shouldnt worry about the hugs part,that sounds quite normal for a child that age.
I would do some gentle asking around.
Ask her grandparents if she has said anything to them that might be upsetting her.
Ask her brother too.
i think at this point it may be time to not take the I dont love you mum bit with a pinch of salt.I think it is time to very gently ask her if she can be more specific.you coulds ask her to write a list.Be prepared yourself to calmly accept the list,you may not like what is on it,and you may not agree with it,but she will hopefully write things as she sees them,and that is the important part right now.
And this is a off the wall idea,perhaps just perhaps she is not comfortable with having so much freedom.Perhaps she preferred the stricter approach,and now feels she doesnt quite know where she stands with you both now.

[amillionyears]

And forgot to say,I agreed with the blackberry stuff and holiday stuff that has already been mentioned.

[amillionyears]

And forgot to say,you could have a word with school,just to make sure everything is alright there,and they may have another angle to things.
I must go and have something to eat!

[AnyoneForTennis]

From experience I would say the outside influence is very strong here. I would investigate these new friends further.... The constant ( bbm?) use and disappearing off with them.... Don't let this slide ( I did, and it did not end well)

Can you secretly check their Facebook page for clues? Twitter etc.

[exasperatedemma]

She doesn't confide in anyone but her friends, is constantly writing their names on bits of paper along with how much she loves them. The bbm option on her phone has not been renewed for over a month, again due to even more obsessive usage, but now she has Whatsapp which means she can message for free. Have just found out that she has removed me as a friend from her facebook which was a condition of her having facebook a while back - will make it a condition again before she gets her phone back. I hate having to do all these things to get her to be reasonable but I don't know what else to do.

[AlmostAHipster]

I've got two teenage girls so I know how hard it is.

She does love you but she's in love with her friends which is perfectly normal. Keep on setting the boundaries and enforcing the punishments when she pushes them too far. Keep telling her you love her. Grab the happy moments. Compliment and praise her when she behaves well. Smile at her, even if you don't feel like it but let her know, calmly, when she's hurt you. Don't play her games or fuel her drama.

It's hellish at times but she's learning how to be an adult and you're her role model. I'm sure it will all be fine but it's tough while this phase lasts.

[ExitPursuedByABear]

Oh no, this sounds awful and I can see us being there in a few months time. DD is 12 and since she started Senior School the change in her has been incredible. She rarely engages with us in conversation now, thinks she knows everything and is constantly on the effing Blackberry. She has just gone £60 over her limit on the latest bill and does not seem to care.

I have no advice to offer except to hold your hand!

I am avoiding booking a holiday for the summer as I cannot imagine being on holiday with her and DH and it ending well (she is an only). The only way I can engage her is through horses (I have one and she loans one), so I shall cling to that.

[exasperatedemma]

Thank you 'almostahipster' - Yep, I'd been doing really well for weeks staying calm and consistent but she really got to me yesterday and I dissolved into a drama queen myself hysterically crying. But you're right, I do need to be her role model - I guess I have always believed that if you love someone and show it enough, then nothing is impossible, but I'm actually worried that maybe she is quite cold inside. Her grandad has been in hospital recently after a bad fall, and she hasn't once asked how he is and I have to have further tests for breast cancer next week (didn't mean for her to find out about that, but she overheard me talking about it) and she is either doing a really good job of acting like she's not bothered, or is REALLY not bothered given that she is still being so awful to me!

[Kaluki]

I'm that you can afford to give your dc Blackberries and so so grateful that my 12 year old DS thinks they are 'lame'!!
I am having similar detachment from him though. He acts like he hates me and his db and it is so so hurtful.
I am at the stage where I ignore where possible but if he is rude or aggressive then I punish him.
Whatever happened to my beautiful happy chubby little baby???

[ExitPursuedByABear]

Perhaps she is really, really, bothered about what she heard about your health and this is her way of coping?

Sorry about your health.

[exasperatedemma]

you just made me cry! 'exitpursuedbyabear', it was the hand holding bit! My advice about the Blackberry if you're not tied into a contract is to put her on a 30day PAYG contract so that when she has used up all the mins/texts, she has to wait until the 30 days is up. And on that type of contract, you can choose not to activate the BBM part. Yes, I have called the Blackberry many things and have got very close to lobbing it out of the window many times, I used to tell her off for taking it into the bathroom when she first got it, now I pray that she drops it down the toilet!!!
Im my experience, holidays are good without the communication technology - I have to say that 90% of arguments in our house are about obssesive usage of phones/ipods etc and I fantisize about putting them in the garden in a big pile and setting fire to them! only twice a day anyway!

[exasperatedemma]

No, she's been vile for quite a few months now!

btw Kaluki, good that he think's they're lame, I think boys are a bit more sensible about it but I hope he doesn't find out that he can have a Blackberry for £10 a month or he might change his mind!

Yep, I try to follow the ignore the bad behaviour and praise the good unless the bad is really bad, but am struggling to find more that 1 thing a day to praise and we're even down at the level where I'm praising her for remembering to clean her teeth (braces) in a desperate attempt to find something to praise!

[ExitPursuedByABear]

DDs Blackberry is on our business contract and we are tied in to a two year deal unfortunately. I have told her I will take the money out of her bank account but that doesn't seem to bother her either.

Does anyone know if BBM uses up the internet allowance? DD has always said that it is free and as most of her mates have it they are on there all the time, but I am now wondering if that has used up her megs (or whatever).

Until about three months ago DD used to get in bed every morning for a snuggle - but no more

[exasperatedemma]

It's hard to copy with the withdrawal of affection isn't it? even though I know it's normal, still hard especially when my DD seems to have put up such an inpenetrable wall between us.

Hmmn, my DD has 250mb of internet usage a month which isn't a lot, but it NEVER seems to run out!

BTW, we all had our regular eye tests last week and I was really worried that her eyesight much have deteriorated since she is staring at the phone screen all the time with a ridiculously small font - but the optician told me that she's actually improved her sight but using the muscles so well! Unlike at my age where the overuse causes deterioration, but he did say that over a long period of time it would get worse.

[ExitPursuedByABear]

I am waiting for the break down of the bill to see where she has spent such huge amounts. If we take it off her, and give her an ordinary phone, she will feel that she is missing out on so much - but I really loathe BBM - she sits with friends at the bus stop in a morning and they are all talking to each other via bbm rather then actually speaking to each other

[AlmostAHipster]

I'm really sorry that you have health concerns; it must be so worrying for you. I would bet that your girl is pretty anxious too but is struggling to process the emotions - mine can come across as heartless little beasts sometimes too.

They are supposed to be selfish at this age - they've got all these hormones sloshing around and flit between feeling grown up and feeling insecure and babyish. They think nobody can ever understand what it's like because they are the most unique person in the world and only their peers know what they're going through (yada yada). Parents are lame and embarrassing etc etc.

I can remember chattering with my friends all day at school and then spending hours in cafes with them, sharing a bowl of chips and a coke, rushing home to spend hours on the telephone to the same people. If I'd had a smart phone at that age (mine have old iPhones) then I'd have been on it all the time too! So I don't see the harm in them having Blackberries so long as they're not taking the mick with the phone bill and they're not BBMing at the dinner table or other family times.

Your baby will come back to you and will apologise for being a mardy arse one day, honestly. Just hang on in there - you're doing great x

[Kaluki]

I was a horrible teenager from about 13 to 18 and beyond I put my poor mum through hell.
I did apologise when I grew up and am still mortified when I think how nasty I was to her but I think they lash out at those closest to them just because they can trust that person to still love them!
I see my DS being so much like me and if hurts but I'm clinging to the hope that he will come right in the end.
It is hard though

[teapot5]

Yes, as Kaluki said, the closer you are the more they (our teens) push you testing to see if you still love them. Deep down they know that you won't stop loving them. I'm having hell of a time with my DD but I'm amazed that I haven't had a breakdown (not yet anyway), somehow we survive, don't we?

[3littlefrogs]

I have to say I would be extremely worried about this.

She is inhabiting a different world - one that involves her new friends and is entirely controlled by them and the blackberry.

How well do you know the friends? Their parents?

This is the age where you have to be MUCH more vigilant than when they were little.

Please - you need to find a way of finding out what is really going on in this other world.

[exasperatedemma]

we haven't renewed the bbm facility on her phone for the last two months and after initially going nuts, she has barely mentioned it since. I actually think that a part of her is relieved not to have all that information pinging at her constantly. It was certainly stressing her out.

Thank you all for your support, feel like I doing such a rubbish job sometimes like many of us do and you can get sucked down into the mire so easily. Had a slightly calmer weekend, and I agree with 3littlefrogs about needing to know what is going in her world with the other friends but I don't know how as she is so secretive.