When to relax about where 13 yr old goes.

[Thechick]

My ds is 13 and it's his second year of secondary school. He still hangs out mostly with his primary school friends but he's starting to make new friends that he wants to hang out with outside school. He's going to a friends house this week who I don't know and I've asked him to get one of the parents to call me. When did you relax about where your child goes. Not sure if I'm being over protective. He's a good child overall and is sensible in most situations.

[TheOneWithTheHair]

I still check that ds is where he says he is but only when he stays overnight somewhere. I know that I have been very bad at the letting go thing. I find it very hard.

I think if he is just going to hang out you just need an address and phone no and a strict time to come home.

[TheOneWithTheHair]

Sorry my ds is 16 now. :)

[FFSIvehadenoughofthisnow]

If you trust your son then you just need to know where he is and what time he will be home. I presume he has a mobile so that you can contact him and vice versa.

Personally I would give my DS (14) that freedom unless he gave me reason not to.

[Orlando]

I think it's OK to be a bit upfront with him about your concerns, and make it clear it's not that you don't trust him but that as a mum you find it hard to switch off the worry. Ask him to indulge you a bit and call you when he gets there, when he's coming home and all that, just while you get used to letting him have more freedom. Mine hated the feeling that I was restricting them, but once we established that I was the one that was struggling with it, not that I thought they would (if that makes sense) it got easier.

I agree that staying overnight justifies a call to the parents, just to introduce yourself and thank them in advance. It goes against the grain to just release your child into the great unknown, but I've always felt perfectly OK about it once the 'unknown' has a name and a voice on the other end of the phone.

[Thechick]

Thanks for all the advice. I do trust him, but I'm not sure if I'm just used to knowing the parents rather than actually needing to iyswim. He doesn't have a mobile, well he does have one but doesn't use it. Not even sure where it is. As he's just hanging out after school, I think I'll use my pregnant status and say that I need a number or where he is just in case and to give me a call when he's on his way home.

[SecretSquirrels]

It's hard to make that transition away from knowing all the parents of his friends at primary and making the social arrangements for him.
I would insist on him having a mobile with him and texting home to say where he is or that he has arrived safely. He will forget at first but keeping in touch is a good habit to get into.

[Sparklingbrook]

My Ds is 13 this week. I insist he has his mobile on him when he's out and about. he often goes to the park with his friends for the day. I send him the odd text to check he's ok.

He went into town on the train with his friends for the first time two weeks ago. I was in a real state-but he came back!

I have had some of his friends round and I don't know their parents but the boys have had mobiles with them and have told their parents where they were.

If DS1 didn't have a mobile I know I would be struggling more with his social life.

[Dee03]

I have a 13 and 15 year old ds....they go out and about and always let me know where they are.
They both have mobiles.
Occasionally my 13 year old will call and say can he sleep at xyz's house who i dont know but he gives the parent my mobile number and they phone me...which is nice!

[BackforGood]

My ds (now 16 and at the end of Yr11) and my dd now 13 and in Yr8) have been allowed to stop off at friends houses since going to secondary. I trust them to use their instincts and not stay, in the extremely unlikely event someone they had made friends with actually lived in a home my dcs weren't comfortable to be in. They do both have mobiles though, so if it gets to mealtime and they are not home, I can call them. In Yr 7, I asked them to send me a text if they were going anywhere other than directly home - I don't bother so much now.
Oh, and it's wise to have a few of their friends mobile numbers in your phone, for those times when they have switched their phone off and forgotten to switch it back on, or have left it somewhere.