parenting a sibling

[1teen1dog]

hello. 4 weeks ago, out of the blue, i took on parental responsibility for one of my sisters. i am 36 and she is 17. we hadn't seen one another for over 5 years as our mother would not allow it. i've gone from living alone to having a teenager living in my sitting room, a pile of tax credit and child benefit forms and a lot of stress. she came to me malnourished, used to sleeping on a mattress on the floor with no duvet in an unheated house, with a small bag of clothes and next to no personal possessions. i've dealt with the essentials of givings her clothes, a bed, a mobile, 3 meals a day and an allowance, she is in counselling and i'm in the process of sorting out her education for september.

she is emotionally a few years behind her peers because of her previously lifestyle so i still have clothes on the floor, chores undone, promises she'll shower in the morning. i have no children of my own mainly because i am disabled and bed ridden most of the time and use a wheelchair. i have short term memory problems because of my condition but i'm meant to remember so much now. i am also dealing with a teenager who gets me out of bed in the morning to help her put an outfit together and to make sure she has sunscreen on and all her stuff for college. i am exhausted.

since she arrived my other sisters are now involved in my life phoning and texting. i've suddenly become a cross between a matriarch and a maiden aunt and i'm not even the oldest. it's been a sudden change to my normally very quiet existence and i feel i need some guidence, counselling or just plain old fashioned mothering myself. none of my family want to acknowledge my disability and we all suffered abuse so empathy is not flowing. i need help with the parenting side of things. curfews? boyfriends? what should an allowance cover? how much should she contribute towards keeping the house?

her current college tutors have spoken to me about the positive changes in her emotionally, which is great, but this week she has found her voice and everything i say is wrong. she thinks she knows everything and i want to scream. it's as if she is trying to establish herself as intellectually dominant. everything, it seems, requires a debate and i don't want to start sounding like my mother. i think she is playing on my memory problems but i'm not sure. things have to work out as she has 2 more more years living here before she moves out to uni but even then she'll be back in the holidays. i love her to pieces but i thought parenthood would start with a baby not a 17 year old. any advice is appreciated, thank you. xx

[AdventuresWithVoles]

Corikey.
Heavily filter out your other sisters, parenting best not done by committee.
She sounds pretty typical, not that immature at all.

Is she in any sort of counselling?

imho:
17yo should treat you with respect & visa versa. As much as possible treat her like an adult, ask her preferences & respect as much as you can. Always listen fully to what she says as long as she says it respectfully.

Set out ground rules so that you know she's safe & to allow you both to live together pleasantly (how long to spend in the bathroom, when to turn the music off, picking up clothes in communal areas, etc!) Get it in writing if you have memory problems.

I would talk thru things like Curfews, boyfriends, ground rules, etc, with her; help her to set rules that you both can live with & for her own safety. Until she proves otherwise, assume that she has the sense to know the right choices if she gets a chance to think things thru, she just needs a firm hand to support her in making them & not get tempted into trouble.

Pick your battles, sunscreen sounds very low priority. (Tell her that the sun ages you badly, sunscreen the best defence against wrinkles! and then leave her to her choices) Fed & safe are your first priorities. Find ways to have a laugh together. You need bonding time to keep her respect, too.

[1teen1dog]

thankyou AdventuresWithVoles for your reply.
you are right about parenting her myself, my sisters are trying to help but it does become confusing. she is a lovely sister to have i'm just not used to teenagers and don't know what a "normal" 17 year old is like. i expect i am over protective. i wouldn't let her leave this morning until she was covered in factor 30 as she came back burnt 2 days ago.
i am still adjusting to my new life and while i made sure she has counselling i don't. i never received proper parenting in any respect so i am unable to refer back to when i was 17.
i have decided i am on strike today. there is pizza in the fridge and i'm sleeping.

[mumeeee]

Just leave it up to her whether she puts sunscrren on or not. All teens get sun burnt at some point during thier lives but they ned to discover the importance of sun screen them selves. If she neds help to choose an outfit for college get her to do it the night before. Pick your battles and lay down some basic house rues do this with her rather than just dictate,

[flow4]

1teen1dog, most of us are making it up as we go along, if you ask me... Even if you think you know what you're doing with teens, half the time you'll be wrong! If you're already wise enough to know your limits and eat pizza and sleep when you need to, I reckon you'll do fine :)

[oiwheresthecoffee]

Honestly at the moment it sounds like you shouldnt expect too much from her she must have been through so much.
If shes working i wouldnt make her contribute , id give her a small allowance for now and she only ets it if she does basic chores.

[Brightspark1]

I take my hat off to you, you have taken on a very important job, steering an adolescent ( and from what you say, one that has gone through a lot). Firstly, leaving clothes on the floor, chores undone and leaving showering til the last minute are nothing to do with emotional immaturity, they are part of normal teen behaviour. Which is not to say you should put up with this, any allowance she gets should depend on her doing her chores and respecting you. Secondly, I hope you are getting practical support in managing, if you aren't, ask very loudly for it from social services who I assume are already involved. Thirdly, reading between the lines, you family situation and experience sounds quite difficult and complicated and it may be a good idea to get counselling yourself if only to adjust to your new role. Good luck, and don't forget to look after yourself!

[1teen1dog]

thank you all for your replies. i think we are making progress and we are talking through issues as they crop up. it's still a big adjustment for us both but we're surviving. having only one bedroom doesn't help!

when i asked about her contributing to the house keeping i meant the house work, so sorry for the confusion. i am currently giving her an allowance of £20 a week. i am paying for her toiletries and bus fare and her money is for clothes, shoes, mobile credit and socialising. does that sound realistic?

today i signed a permission slip for her to go on a college residential and i felt really proud. i also went into town and helped her open a bank account. no-one has questioned my position as her guardian.

best wishes xx

[mumeeee]

£20 a week sounds a lot but if you can afford it that's okay. I would get her to buy her own toiletries out of that and also encourage her to save a bit. You are doing a great job.

[sashh]

You sound fantastic, so caring to open your home to a teenager.

£20 IMHO is plenty for socialising and clothes.

You are in a different position to a parent who has brought a child up from being young, it is a different relationship.

I teach teenagers, at the start of term we draw up a 'class contract' with the students suggesting rules. Could you do something similar with her?

Ask her about boyfriends, friends staying over, cerfews etc. She may not know herself, or she may have certain expectations.

Don't let her write the rules, discuss it and agree on rules. then write them down. In class we put it on a poster but you probably don't need to do that at home.

good luck

[TwllBach]

I hope you don't mind me coming with no practical advice, op, but I read your thread and couldn't leave without saying you sound like a fantastic person. I really hope that if I am ever in a similar situation I can react as positively and strongly as you.

[exoticfruits]

I think that you sound fantastic- it is a real life change for you! I should think that she must really appreciate you.
I think that I would sit down with her and be honest. Say the you have no experience of parenting or teenagers but that you want it to work so that you both enjoy it and that will mean changes and give and take for you both. Tell her that you are not used to living with anyone and that you were used to a quiet ordered existence and although you are happy to share with her you do need some space still and some chores done.
Draw up some rules together. Keep it simple and stick to the most important.
On a practical level get her to sort out her college stuff and outfit the night before.
If her tutors have remarked on improvement you must be doing well. Good luck.

[CardyMow]

TBH, having been in your sister's position, albeit only getting out when 3 months PG with DD at 16, she is behaving perfectly normally for a) A teenager, and B) A teenager who has not had a 'proper' upbringing.

Teach her how to do laundry, how to use the washing machine etc. at this age and stage after a not-so good childhood, essential life skills are all important, as in just one years time, she could move out if she decided to.

Cooking simple meals together, teaching her how to prepare a good meal. Shopping, and keeping to a budget. Managing money (the allowance will help with that, but spell out that there will be no advances, and it has to last the week). How to clean a house properly. Contraception, and how to keep herself safe when she is out with friends. And about what is normal and acceptable in relationships, what she shouldn't put up with.

Make all these things something that you do together, so she is learning, but also getting time from you (will be very important for her to look back on).

The clothes everywhere? Not a huge issue, as she feels better about herself, she will want to keep her home environment tidy.

You are an amazing person for taking this on.

[exoticfruits]

I think that CardyMow is very sensible-you are going to have to teach her all that she has mentioned in her post-with her childhood you can't assume that she knows anything.

[1teen1dog]

to everyone who has replied, thank you so much for your kind words. my sister has passed her college course at the top of her class and has been accepted for the college course we wanted in september. i am now trying to find her something worth while to do this summer as i don't want her lying in bed all day. i had to ground her last week but she accepted her punishment and seemed to enjoy it! i feel more confident to uphold the house rules and she feels more secure as a result. Ax

[exoticfruits]

Great! If she can't find a paid job for the holiday try volunteering. Will keep her occupied and be good on a CV.

[newatallthis]

I just wanted to give you some reassurance. I was in a very similar situation when my husband and I became guardian to his 16 year old brother.

Im not going to lie - it was really tough. There were plenty of tears.

However, he is now in his final year of university and makes me proud every time I speak to him. He can cook, clean (and even moans about his messy housemates!) and treats us with respect - which seemed unbelievable a few years ago.

The next few years will be insanely tough but it's worth it when you feel proud of the adult they become.

on a practical note - any tips... we totally had to make the rules up as we were going along. girlfriends staying over - they had to have been dating a month and met us at least once before (to stop any one night stands catching me in my pjs at breakfast time!). We had a zero tolerance to weed smoking in or around the house (obviously I wished it was not at all). Stay in constant touch with the school, get to know their friends (and their mobile numbers!) and dont do their laundry - just show them a few times and then leave them to it. Obviously these were just our rules and you have to trust your gut instinct with your sister.

well done and good luck
x