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13 year old daughter .....need some advice

(23 Posts)
kilmuir Fri 11-May-12 17:32:54

Just needed to know if anything else i should be saying! My DD is quite buxom and shapely ( she is a 34C) , not over weight in my eyes, BUT she is comparing herself to her much leaner , straight up and down friends. I know this is normal but today we were having a sort out of clothes and she ended up in floods of tears. We had a long chat and cuddle on the bed. tried to reassure her but did feel for her.

OP’s posts: |
suzikettles Fri 11-May-12 17:34:59

Her straight up and down friends are probably stuffing their bras and weeping that they're straight up and down and don't have any shape.

Doesn't really help though unfortunately.

kilmuir Fri 11-May-12 17:47:47

well thats what I said, they probably wish they could have more to put in their bras! Was good to have a long chat with her, I tried to reinforce that its normal to compare ourselves but being one way or another is not necessarily better.

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mumofjust1 Fri 11-May-12 17:56:37

I have exactly the same with my dd who will be 13 next week.

She is a 32C and a size 10. She is, in particular, unhappy with her bum and legs. She has a bit of a jlo bum and thighs that are bigger than she would like. That's a hereditary thing though (which I missed out on so have a pancake bum) so not much can be done.

She has a lovely figure but still learns for "liquorice legs". I make a point of telling her that she's beautiful, that straight up and down girls are probably not happy with themselves either and that in fact most people have something that they would like to change about themselves that other people would love to have.

Its a difficult age confidence wise isn't it.

Sorry I don't have any words of wisdom, but you and your dd are certainly not alone x

Shagmundfreud Fri 11-May-12 17:59:40

My 12 year old is 34D and buxom as anything.

She's very keen not to lose any weight (despite being on the plump side) because she's adamant that her bosom (and her.. ahem...rather large bottom) are her best assets and is fearful of them dwindling if she loses weight.

I think the difference is that my dd and her friends are all mostly black and mixed race. They really don't value super-skinny. They value back and front!

Anyway, sorry to hijack, but I don't think anything you say makes them feel better. They disregard your opinion because they know you think they're perfect!

FriskyMare Fri 11-May-12 18:01:46

Same here with my curvy 14 year old dd,she is definitely not over weight, just has a figure!! My main worry is getting bras with enough support in them, the M&S teen range are all either padded (which she doesn't need) or too flimsy.Teens aren't supposed to wear underwired bras are they??

ElephantsAndMiasmas Fri 11-May-12 18:12:13

Underwired bras are as fine for teens as for anyone else. I was SO relieved when i got proper bras rather than pretending that I was a 34B and comfy in soft bras.

There's not much you can say, except that she's gorgeous. She may not seem to appreciate it but she needs to know you think it anyway.

kilmuir Fri 11-May-12 18:32:22

I tell her she is gorgeous. My friends all say what a great figure she has, i told her that but she said ' mum, I know what u are doing, trying to make me feel better" !!!
Going to make an effort to have more chats and cuddles.
She does like to have a laugh at me in polyester jumpsuit and permed hair when i was her age!

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Kbear Fri 11-May-12 18:35:45

I agree with you all and for the record, I am sick of going shopping with my 13 year old DD when our trips end in a melt down because she's not a size 8. She's a 12, figure just shaping up now but nothing seems to fit. New Look - cut for skinnies, Primark - forget it, Dorothy Perkins - better, Forever 21 - not much good either.

Where do you all shop for your teen's clothes?

crazynanna Fri 11-May-12 18:39:04

My 13yo straight up and down dd would be envy at your dd's curvrs'.

She spend every day running in wearing her bra shouting "have they grown? Are you sure?"

I was a busty teen,it can be hard xx

YourFanjoIsNotAHandbag Fri 11-May-12 18:41:06

My dd 14 is very ahem well endowed shall we say.

Bra shopping is a nightmare, why are all the pretty bras padded???

kilmuir Fri 11-May-12 18:46:57

Clothes shopping is very hit and miss. I went shopping with DD best friend and her MUm. nightmare, one busty and curvy and the other straight up and down. It was a long day

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dictionarydiva Fri 11-May-12 18:57:27

I very much empathise with this. I am in my late 20s now but seemed to just suddenly become a woman overnight when I was in year 7- had always been tall but suddenly had 36E boobs and hips and stuff and most girls in my year still looked like little girls.

Tbh I don't think there is much you can do. It took until I was in my early/mid twenties to accept my shape and know what clothes suited me and I still, if I had a choice, would rather have normal B-cups and less hips. It's hard to dress fashionably when you're chesty and womanly and when you're 13 that is all you want. I remember desperately wishing I could wear a boob tube but when I tried one on it just looked obscene!! grin

The fact is that the media and our society seem to put forward the opinion that women should be twiglets who can go without bras and wear teeny tiny dresses. It's hard when you're my age if you're built like a brick shithouse, have size 8 feet and an insane rack, let alone when you're still a kid around loads of skinny kids. Shagmundfreud it is interesting what you say about mixed-race and black girls valuing a womanly look more... I am white and have always noticed that difference between black and white women. I also recently read an article in The Guardian which said that they did a study with black and white teenage girls, and that the black girls had a much better body image than their white counterparts at every age, despite the fact that they were very often heavier.

OP: Keep supporting your daughter and reassuring her that she's beautiful. And maybe this will be of some consolation to her- despite never really liking my shape much I have always had a lot more male attention than my "perfect" best friend who is a size 8, B-cupped nymph who looks like Audrey Hepburn (the absolute cow). There are some benefits, even if it is hard to see them when all you want is to be able to fit into a pair of Miss Selfridge hot pants.

kilmuir Fri 11-May-12 19:08:28

its the old thing of wanting to fit in etc I suppose. Told her to be proud of who she is. Don't waste time on what you can never be. She thinks all the boys give the thinner girls more attention.
Well I said she was too young for boyfriends and should never try and be what she thinks men want! I believe some of the most attractive people are those who are confident with who they are.

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diamondsonthesolesofhershoes Fri 11-May-12 19:15:10

Depending on budget give Freya a try. I was a 32DD before I was 13 and it was so nice to have pretty bras rather than the big granny ones m & s sold.

If on a tighter budget I also really recommend debenhams own 'Gorgeous' range, I've just had 4 bras for 50 quid from there and really pleased with them. I wouldn't bother trying to find 'teen' bras, just go for pretty patterns you can find in adult ranges smile
My total sympathy for the buxom teens, by the time they reach 15 they'll be the envy of their entire year!

KisMittzAteALLThePies Fri 11-May-12 19:18:08

sad My 14 yr old DS is body conscious and won't come swimming with me because he hates his body.... he won't take his hoody off even when it is hot.
I really hate the pressure on youngsters now.

And it never helps because I am just 'Mum' but I see a fabulous, good looking young man, with so many things to offer.. smile

BeeInMyBonnet Fri 11-May-12 19:21:12

My dd is 13 and very very slight straight up and down atm. She came home the other day very upset having been teasedsad. You can't win at this age.

Tell her she's gorgeous no matter what. Is there anyone her shape on tv or music that you can draw her attention to in a positive way.

TwllBach Fri 11-May-12 19:23:56

When I was 13 - 16 I hung around with short, th

ragged Fri 11-May-12 19:28:26

I wonder if I would just sit with her in a public place & point out all the different body shapes in other women. How so many of them make themselves look good working with such variety in underlying shapes. There is no one best look over all others.

I am 44 & still figuring out where to shop, sigh.

TwllBach Fri 11-May-12 19:31:43

Ha, oops!

When I was 13 - 16, my friends were short, blonde and had boyish figures. I was 5'7 with Bangladeshi heritage and a 32c chest. Although my waist was tiny and I was underweight, I also had hips. I spent my teens so resentful of my friends that I hated my body, it was only when I turned 17 and realised that actually I was attractive that it started to sink in that I didn't have to look like everyone else.

I don't know, I think that it was hard when I was a teen and it can still be difficult now even though I'm 24. IMO, in te last ten years the media and attitudes to women and their bodies has changed dramatically. It's either that or I was a little sheltered.

I don't think you can do much more than you are doing already, OP, tell her she is beautiful and keep telling her. Could you find some 'curvier' models in the media for her to look at? Obviously don't tell her that's what you're doing, but if someone pops up while you're watching g the tv, say how pretty she is or something.

ElephantsAndMiasmas Fri 11-May-12 21:12:26

I honestly don't know who clothes are cut for. Definitely not for me (average height, big bum and thighs, waist, big boobs) but also - and this is what surprises me and makes me feel "Oh FFS shops!" rather than "I am shit" - definitely not for my friend who has a "model" build at 5'11'' with endless legs and slim to no hips/breasts. Neither of us can find jeans to suit. Or bras that fit properly.

Also WRT your daughter, it's a lesson to learn that what suits her will change a lot less than fashions will change. She will always look better wearing fitted blazers (or whatever) if that's what makes her look fab, than wearing whatever bollocks is in the magazine this month. And looking good always trumps looking fashionable but shit.

Christinebb1980 Thu 14-Nov-19 03:00:05

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