Argghh blinking teenage girls and falling out over a boy!

[Fimbo]

Dd and a boy, let's call him David both like each other. No problem there. Except dd's bff2 let's call her Carol, liked him too. Dd and David have been chatting on facebook, David asks her out and she says no. This goes on for a few days until she eventually feels she has to tell him it's because of Carol.

Dd tells David he should ask Carol out. David says no because he only wants to go out with dd. Dd then asks bff1 lets call her Wendy, what to do. Wendy says to tell Carol. Dd does this and Carol says she is fine with it and for dd and David to go out. So dd says she will think about it. Everything is fine and hunkydory.

Fast foward to bloody facebook. Wendy pm's dd having a go at her saying that whilst Carol said she was ok about dd and David, she actually wasn't and is very upset and that her (Wendy) is not going to talk to dd again. Dd then comes to me in tears, not understanding what she had done wrong.

In dd's eyes, she had told David the truth why she couldn't go out with him as her loyalty lay with her friend. She did what Wendy said and told Carol that David and her both liked each other. DD truly thought that Carol meant what she said that she was fine with it.

Anyway upshot, dd apologies to Carol and says she will not go out with David as her friends mean more. Everything is ok between them. David is cross though. Then Wendy pm's dd back and says she doesn't want to fight and can they still be friends (after dd sent an message back to her saying she had apologised and really didn't know what she had done wrong (apart of course from telling David about Carol's feelings for him). So dd thinks everything is now ok.

Dd goes to school this morning and whilst everything is okay with Carol, Wendy proceeds to ignore dd. So dd ended up hanging around with another friend. I should point out at this point that Wendy has fallen out with 6 other girls they were friendly with since year 7 and likes to be "Queen Bee". It's her way or the high way, but usually dd stands up to her.

I cannot obviously get involved too much apart from being there for dd, but I am just so bloody cross, plus my dad has just died 2 weeks ago and dd is finding it hard to cope with and this "situation" now is really not helping.

Anyone else had this teenage problem?

[scarlettsmummy2]

I think you should leave them to it. Tell your daughter to stop being so silly and focus on her school work. You sound as immature as her daughter and her friends tbh.

[Serendipity129]

Yes, I have had lots of these problems. The trouble is my DD is so bothered by what her friends think that she can't make decisions herself it's all about 'what would they think if'.... when she recently had a bf she felt she had to tell them 'everything' which frustrated me so much as I think some things should be between you and your bf. Anyhow one particular friend is so controlling and got very jealous and mardy about her having a bf and not giving her 100% attention she made matters worse. For example she accused dd of lying purely because she didn't tell her she was seeing her bf that night. DD admitted she is a little afraid of her and I am really annoyed at this and don't know what to do.
It's awful how some girls treat their 'friends' isn't it. If it were my DD I would have liked her to see David if they are her real friends they would be happy for her...unlike my own DD's jealous friends!

[Fimbo]

Wow Scarlettsmummy2, have you got a teen?

[Fimbo]

Thank you Serenditpity129, that's it entirely. BFF1 controls every situation, dd wants to invite some boys including David to her party in a few weeks, but she will of course run it all past bff1 first and if she says no, that will pretty much be it. I cannot believe how awful some of them are. Dd is no angel by any means but does try to treat her friends fairly.

[Serendipity129]

I don't understand why they do this to each other and I am surprised my own DD lets her friends opinions shape her life. I get so very frustrated about it. If she wants David there then he should BE there never mind what her 'friend' thinks but is she's like my daughter she'll have to run it by her 'friends' and I get so very angry at it. I honestly don't know how to change this. Worse still the manipulating one is going to 6th form with her, I really wished she wasn't. What should we do, do you think they aren't mature enough to make their own decisions yet? I just think this girl is jealous and tries to destroy any happiness my DD has which seems a bit strange. I am sure she is gloating now she split up with bf...

[Fimbo]

I think my dd's friend is jealous also. I cannot ever possibly see her "allowing" dd to have a bf as it would mean that dd would be spending some time with him instead of her. I do think as you say they are not mature enough although dd does sometimes stand up to the girl. But they have been friends since they were 4 although only really become bff's (love that term!) since Year 8. Dd seems to be the only friend who has really stuck by this girl, as I say she loses them like you lose leaves from a tree because of her "everything has to be my way" mentality. She even slapped her room mate in year 7 on a school trip because her sharer would not do as she said. Dd is frightened to rock the boat though sometimes and says "I have to do as x says otherwise she manipulates the situation and twists it". Then dd worries that the other girls they go round with will believe the friend rather than her, as dd is quiet really and has a tendency to fall to pieces crying, although she has got a bit better as I say over the last few months or so at standing up for herself. One of their other friends took it upon herself last night to stand up for dd though so that helped a bit. Unfortunately they have have also picked the same GSCE options (not colluded I may add) and are pretty much of a level playing field so will be in each other's classes all the time. Well since i started typing this, friend has now decided that she was being a "poo" and that her and dd can be friends again. They are currently discussing geography homework questions!!

God it's a minefield. Whatever happened to the sweet little 4 years olds in their little checked summer dresses skipping along holding hands without a care in the world???

[Serendipity129]

Apparently they made a 'pact' not to let boys ruin their friendship and that they would always put their friends first. This will last until her 'friend' gets a bf, then we'll see how things change. My DD debated for days on when to tell her friends about her first kiss, as they would all want to know in the greatest detail. I find this a bit worrying, aren't these moments you would want for yourself? She waited until she thought the time was appropriate as didn't want it to seem to them like she had kissed him too soon and worried what they might think of her. I really hope this will change but I don't suppose it will until she changes friends esp one in particular.
They had a massive emotional row as DD had arranged to see bf the day after his hols which had been planned for 3 weeks then her friend asked her to do something else instead so when she told her she was seeing bf this 'friend' hit the roof and it all kicked off about 'the pact' and how she was losing her as a friend to the bf, how pathetic...it got to the stage when she couldn't tell her if she saw him as she would kick off and then call her a liar and posted on Twitter 'if I ever catch you lying I will hold it against you for the rest of your life' what kind of a friend would say this....

[Fimbo]

Oh Serendipity, it just sounds exactly the same. I fear a "pact" has been made with dd and her friends too. You think by year 9, that the would have sorted themselves out a bit. I guess we can only be there for them to talk to and just let them get on with it as much as we want to wade in and sort it all out.

[tantrumsandballoons]

Bloody teenage girls and bloody Facebook
I know how you feel op I'm going through the same thing, this one won't talk to that one cos she chatted to someone on FB, so and so said this and now x hates x, it's a nightmare.
Sadly it seems as though it's something they all go through, once boys come on the scene there is much falling out.

However your dd seems like a sensible girl, she was honest with her friend.
I keep hoping once they get a bit older, common sense will prevail and they will be able to think independently- my dd is 14 and it still hasn't happened....
And I thought the baby stage was hard- piece of cake compared to 2 teenagers :(

[Fimbo]

Thanks tantrums as dh says facebook is the work of the devil and should have never been invented. Many of the problems at school are because of it really. My dd will be 14 in a few weeks. She is doing the right thing currently by her friend but I think in her heart of hearts she would have liked to have gone out with David. But there will definately be no invite to the party for him and his friends now.

[lesstalkmoreaction]

It keeps going into year 10 as well, been there, done it had tears the other night although my dd tends not to tell me whats going on these days as I tend to tell her to get on with it and rise above it. But when a supposed bf decides to get nasty and she really can't quite understand why she got quite upset but thankfully she does have other friends who know my dd is highly unlikely to have done anything other than be too nice!!
Girls ahhhhhh but as I told her its quite often the same at the school gates with the mums and beyond its all about attention and control, some girls just like to be seen as top dog. I tell my daughter if you can survive friendships at school then it's good practice for the future and she will do well with relationships at work and at the school gates and she quite likes that thought.

[Fimbo]

Yes that is very true lesstalk, if they can get through school friendships issues, then I do think they can cope with anything. As my friend often says to her dd it's not these girls that you are going to be friends with for life (well maybe the odd one) but the people you meet when you have children of your own.

[Mrsjay]

leave them to it dont get involved just hope they work it out , just be there for the debris of david dumping your dd for some other girl who takes his fancy .

[Hullygully]

the horror the horror

All you can do is keep calmly talking to her and hoping some of it takes hold for later...