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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

Shaken and sad, need a hug, MN hugs are fine.

58 replies

CuttedUpPear · 01/05/2012 08:50

DS (15yo but with possible SEN) got out of the wrong side of bed this morning. He was in a complete strop because he hadn't woken up early enough to have the shower that I had asked him to fit in (to his rigorous schedule of internet gaming) last night.

Much incomprehensible shouting and crashing ensued. He then proceeded to spent half an hour in the bathroom, risking missing the school bus.
I went downstairs and made his packed lunch for him.
More incomprehensible shouting and crashing revealed that his school shirt was dirty. Obviously the domestic here isn't working hard enough.

It was a bit smelly although not visibly dirty. I did what any good mother would do and sprayed him with Febreze. All the others were by now in the washing machine. DS then objected to the new smell and started screaming at me and throwing himself round the house. He was running out of time to get the bus and had clearly already blown the chance to walk his dog and eat breakfast.

I reverted to the usual technique which is to confiscate his laptop+ipod+notebook. Unfortunately today this didn't have the usual effect of calming him down. I told him that for every word of argument more I would keep it for another day.

He came up the stairs screaming and wagging his finger in my face. I shouted back then realised best to walk away and went in my room. He followed me and kicked the door repeatedly.

He used to be like this all the time. He gets in a rage and blames everyone for his own problems rather than dealing with them. It's more scary now he's as big as me. I was struggling to get all my clothes on as quickly as possible, I just wanted to get out of the house. I only spoke to him to remind him that it would be a wet walk to school then I managed to get out of there with the dog.
As I was driving away I saw him coming down the road with his rucksack on, he may well have made the bus in time.

I feel really shaken and really sad. What the hell is this boy going to be like when he's an adult? I fear the answer to that is 'just like his dad' (DV and EA to me for years). But I have really tried to bring him up right. I pity any girlfriend he gets in the future. I just want to cry but don't want to feel any weaker than I already do.

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TanteRose · 01/05/2012 08:56

{{{CuttedUp}}}

my DS (13) can be a bit like this - very shouty and in my face...he is still smaller than me though, but is growing like a weed...

You need to have a nice calm chat this evening - sort out the mornings, NO showers in the mornings, make sure ALL clothes are ready the night before, etc.

Teenagers can be like toddlers - their brains are going through another weird re-programming process and they cannot empathise with others.

Give him a routine like a toddler (don't tell him though, can't imagine that going down well Grin)

and have another hug Smile

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TanteRose · 01/05/2012 08:57

oh and I am just hoping that all the other mums with older teens are right, and that they turn into decent human beings by the time they are about 18

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HeathRobinson · 01/05/2012 09:00

(((hugs)))

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TanteRose · 01/05/2012 09:01

sorry, one more thing - just remember something someone (probably Maryz, coz she is marvellous) said

do not engage emotionally with them, treat them with polite disinterest, like they were a lodger in your home

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ripsishere · 01/05/2012 09:07

(((()))) I agree with the people saying routine. He should be getting his stuff ready the night before, shower in the morning, no games after X o'clock.
Good luck.

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CuttedUpPear · 01/05/2012 09:16

Agreed, Maryz is marvellous.
The routine thing - I do try. DS pushes the boundaries all the time. He's supposed to be getting ready for an english exam so I've told him no computer after 9.30pm, only reading necessary books after that. Much stomping ensued.

Also - I'm a lone parent and self employed. My working hours are all over the place and I'm not always there at bedtime. DS needs spoonfeeding so many things.

I think he should be doing his own washing if he doesn't like the way I do it but I can't see it happening really.

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RillaBlythe · 01/05/2012 09:24

hugs, cutteduppear. (great name!)

i don't have a teen yet, but I was thinking the other day how horrible I was to my mum as a teenager - lots of screaming, stamping, hitting Blush. We have a great relationship now, properly close.

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AIBUqatada · 01/05/2012 09:36

Cutted, really, truly I could have written that post a year ago. Every single part of it rings exactly true to how my son was at that age. And I know how awful, draining, even frightening it is, and how much you are worrying for your son's future adult self.

Nothing I did seemed to help him to change, nothing. And then, about eight months ago (when he was a few weeks past his 16th birthday, it stopped. Not utterly, completely: he is still capable of being unreasonable, selfish, unpleasant. But it is now very much within the normal teen spectrum.

It was moving up to his sixth form that triggered the change in him, I think. But really it was also about maturing. There is a lot written about physical changes in the teenage brain which make it very hard for them to function in a reasonable way. I have some scepticism about how much of a part that has to play, but I don't discount it as an influence. Certainly the enormity of the change in him does suggest a definite "developmental phase," and so I wanted to say: Take heart, it will likely get much better.

In the meanwhile, look after yourself, your own feelings -- especially in the light of the DV background that you have suffered.

Get help. Is there a school parental adviser? I had quite a lot of support from the one at our school (though it took quite a lot of badgering to set up).

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CuttedUpPear · 01/05/2012 10:58

Thanks AIBU that is really heartening.
Fortunately the DV was 12 years ago now.
DS is like a huge and horrible toddler. Actually when he was toddler he was like a small and horrible toddler. Sad

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ToryLovell · 01/05/2012 11:08

(((CuttedUpPear))) little to add to TanteRose's excellent advice, other than sympathy.

13yo DS has ASD and is bigger than me at 5' 11" - when he loses his temper it is horrible - all the wild out of control lashing out of a toddler from someone the size of an adult.

You don't detail his possible SEN - if he has sensory issues I can imagine that possibly the smell of the Febreze might have been a bit strong for him to take and could have triggered a disproportionate response from him.

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AIBUqatada · 01/05/2012 11:29

Yes, my DS was a really difficult toddler in some respects too. He had very difficult tantrums, found it really hard to just let go and move on from a bout of rage/frustration. We always found it incredibly hard to set "consequences" for his behaviour, because those too would become the scene of new battles that just perpetuated the whole horrible situation.

I do think that his difficult behaviour as a teen was a continuation of difficulties as a young child, not something entirely new. A kind of obsessional "holding on" to frustration, a refusal to process it and move on. When he got to teenage years it was exacerbated, I think, by an awareness on his part that he needed to accept more responsibility for himself (catching buses, organising himself, etc). That realisation frightened him, and as a defence against it he went into overdrive in terms of forcing everyone else (i.e. me, chiefly) to take responsibility for all those things. He would rage at me to give him a lift to school instead of just getting on with things and making it to the bus stop in time, for example. Fear of life, and anger at himself, pushed onto me.

Even if he seems at the time not to be taking in any of the reasonable things that you say, it is likely that they are filtering in gradually and will help him in the longer term to be more reasonable. So it is worth staying firm, reminding him of boundaries, especially in relation to verbal and physical harrassment.

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GnomeDePlume · 01/05/2012 13:13

I think the 'emotional detachment' or uber politeness can help both you and DS. For you , you are then concentrating on how you ar acting not how your DS is reacting.

You are also not reacting and stoking the fire. When my DS was young he would get into huge tearful tantrums. We found that punishing these didnt help. What he needed was to go to his room which was quiet and calm. This reduced the 'input'. Slowly he would calm down.

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CuttedUpPear · 01/05/2012 18:14

AIBU you have hit the nail on the head with your comment about DS trying to get everyone else to take responsibility for his life.

I picked him up from school and he asked when he was getting his laptop back. I am trying to be consistent but originally I'd said 2 weeks.

Since almost his only contact with other people his age is through internet gaming I feel a bit mean. Certainly not before a few days though.

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GnomeDePlume · 01/05/2012 20:03

If it helps CuttedUp, he is in contact with people all day at school for real!

Is he on xbox live or something similar? I noticed that my DS' behaviour improved enormously when the amount of time spent on online gaming was reduced.

We have the xbox in a family room which gives us visibility of how long DS is gaming in an evening. Also, he has to keep the noise down which stops the build up of agressive behaviour while playing.

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GnomeDePlume · 01/05/2012 20:56

Just been reminded (by the presence of xboxing DS). The downside of them xboxing in the same room is that you find yourself having aspects of the game explained in minute detail!

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FashionEaster · 01/05/2012 21:08

You did totally the right thing in getting out of the house and removing his 'audience' and he got himself sorted out and went off to school. Be more concerned if he shrugged his shoulders and didn't go.

Had year 10 and 11 parents evenings recently, and lots of parents said their dcs are absolute grots at home and I can confirm yr 11 are being pretty grotty at school too. Combination of teenageryness and exams. And then in the sixth form they pretty much come good again.

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CuttedUpPear · 01/05/2012 21:14

Gnome he is very unhappy at school and only has one (v geeky and strange) friend who he sits with at lunchtimes. He is overwhelmed by the prospect of exams and is hiding his head in the sand.

Yes, I have had all aspects of lego then gaming explained to me in minute detail for many years!

I'm using the lovely non computer time today to discuss revision (an alien concept to DS).
Indeed his behaviour has improved tonight (cooking me dinner) but he is on an open ended promise to try and get in my good books and the return of the dreaded technology.

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NannyPlumIsMyMum · 01/05/2012 21:18

My DSS went through a very difficult patch like this for a prolonged period of time.
Very rude , no empathy or respect .
In trouble a lot at school , frequently late and challenging authority.

He was given firm boundaries .
We were neutral with him instead of getting embroiled in arguments .

He will be 18 soon.
And has recently grown into being a beautiful man who has the upmost respect and love for his girlfriend.

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CuttedUpPear · 01/05/2012 22:06

Wow. I'm really looking forward to eighteen!

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flow4 · 01/05/2012 23:17

I could have written these posts, Cutted. Except my son is now bigger than me (and anyone I have ever been out with or lived with). He does not know how scary he is when he gets angry, and he hasn't believed it when he's been told. Recently I found myself wondering whether, since his rages are SO like toddler tantrums, he actually feels small and weak when he's in them... He does seem to be fighting me with some desperation...

I do sometimes wonder whether the children of single parents (I'm one too) tend to have a closer bond with their parent, and therefore have to fight harder to 'break' it to separate and grow up...

I have no answers. I can only rarely manage detachment. I can see him making an effort sometimes - he made me a cup of tea today - but it feels like I'm suffering from post traumatic stress or living in a semi-dazed state of shock or something, and the calm doesn't last long enough (or hasn't yet) for me to recover.

Personally, I don't think it has anything to do with what you have or haven't done (firm boundaries, consistency, sanctions, etc)... Some kids just go like this (only for a while, I sincerely hope) and you just need to survive it.

I'm lucky enough to have another lovely, well-adjusted, well-behaved son as well, to prove to me it's not my fault and I'm not just a bad mum. You're not a bad mum either, Cutted. Just sayin'... In case you're thinking it. Hugs :)

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BackforGood · 01/05/2012 23:53

(((HUGS))).
There is a huge similarity between teenage boys and boy toddlers IME. It's all about 'instant'.
I heard a phrase on a talk about ADHD a couple of years ago, where the Professor talked about 'time blindness' and it definitely struck a chord with me. ds certainly has it. He's 15 and can't see (when he comes home all enthusiastic about joining some new thing) that it's not possible to actually start the new thing and continue with something else he already does on that night. Now, I reckon if that's not as obvious as a barn door, then things like planning 'what I need to get ready the night before' is just a step beyond what he's capable of, despite YEARS of me trying to train him. I too, love all MaryZ's advice, but don't know if it was her or someone else here who talks about trying to 'detach yourself' and try to just calmly state the facts without getting into deep despair about how he can be so hopeless / how you've failed to bring him up "proper". You haven't. He's fighting his hormones, as well as exam pressure and peer pressure, and strange things happening to his body, and having to do 'the right thing' for his Mum as well is just too much to take on board sometimes.
Keep repeating the life saving mantra ... "It's a phase" (It's got me through a lot of phases) Smile

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totallypearshaped · 02/05/2012 00:08

Hugs Cutted up.

I would stick to my word, keep his laptop for two weeks, and get a wall calendar and an egg timer for him. It will actually do him good to be free of the internet gaming - it can be very addictive.

Also I would say to him that he is to be polite, and show him how to do his own laundry. No excuses, just get on with it.

be calm, and don't accept anything less than a polite environment.

Ask him where he thinks he's going in his life? What are his plans? and how he thinks he's going to achieve anything for himself if he's rude, violent and abusive?
Tell him people aren't interested in being round someone obnoxious blamer like that - they have the whole world to choose from - why would they choose some abusive person who plays the blame game and doesn't do his own laundry?

Tell him he's old enough now to arrange his own domestic affairs, and that you'll not be calling him to get up, nor making his lunch, nor doing his laundry anymore.

Say all this at the table with him and give him time to talk, and listen to what he has to say.

Draft an agreement.

Good luck.

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flow4 · 02/05/2012 05:40

I take it you don't have a teen like this, totallypearshaped! Grin

You've probably done all this already, Cutted, and a lot more besides. You can insist on politeness, but you aren't going to get it, any more than you get good manners from a hurricane. And that isn't because you are doing anything wrong, it's because of the chemical and physical changes he's going thru right now. So 'insisting' isn't about what he does, but about how you react: e.g. not responding to rudeness; not doing anything for him if he hasn't asked nicely; walking away (as you did :) ); being polite yourself.. I personally find it very challenging to continue to be polite to someone who's screaming at me, but I try! Confused

It helps me to remember the 'moral messages' and values are still getting through to my son: I still have influence, even when I don't have control. I find myself saying things like "You know it's wrong to do X. So stop it, please"; "I'm not going to do X while you're behaving like that"; and "I can't stop you - you have to stop yourself"...

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Ilovedaintynuts · 02/05/2012 07:00

I could have written your post word for word. My DS is 15 and I fear for any girlfriend he has.
All the mums of sons I know think no girl would be good enough for their boy. I pity any girl.
He is nasty, selfish and unreasonable. I spend 95% of the time being convinced he is a sociopath.

No advice but you're not alone.

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Ilovedaintynuts · 02/05/2012 07:03

totallypearshaped
Can I just say Hahahahahahahahahaha.

You seriously think mothers of sons like this haven't done all that and more?
If only I'd thought to tell him to be nice. Never thought of that Hmm

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