Talk

Advanced search

Help- Quick advice needed. Internet porn

(71 Posts)
MamaMaiasaura Sun 29-Apr-12 10:53:34

Ds1 (12) just came to me very upset and said he'd been looking at dirty pictures on computer end of half term and tried to on his phone but couldn't work it. He said he knows he is going to be in alot of trouble and has butterflies. I've sent him downstairs while I speak to dh. I am glad he felt able to speak to me, and I do think he needs to have a punishment, I want to explain to him how people are exploited and am disappointed in him. Apparently lots of kids at school are doing this. Advice please

MamaMaiasaura Sun 29-Apr-12 11:41:05

Right. Long talk. Ds1 is very upset by what he saw and wanted to get rid of images in his head. Obviously he can't. Haven't punished him but restrictions will be on computer as he feels safer that way. Wish we'd already had them in place. Tried to explain difference between unrestricted seedy porn that funds crime and pictures of bikini clad women. It is hard to know how to tread here as I don't want him thinking sex is dirty. I said I'd want him as he gets older (as clearly too young at 12) to experience healthy sexual relationships and also not to feel ashamed of his body. Bless him, he's been crying and upset about this since Easter holidays.

MamaMaiasaura Sun 29-Apr-12 16:32:54

Fuck, now he tells me that he's watched some on tv, searched at school. He's bloody drip feeding and each time saying that is it. Have these feeling there is more to it

MamaMaiasaura Sun 29-Apr-12 19:36:38

Any advice from anyone? sad

PlentyOfPubeGardens Sun 29-Apr-12 19:55:49

Hi Mama - have you any idea exactly what he's seen? A lot of what's out there is distressing for adults to watch, let alone 12 y/o's. I think you're doing right by not punishing him - he's already a victim of the porn industry IMO and is obviously suffering enough.

I found this site aimed at teens which has info about the porn industry and how it manipulates young people's curiosity about sex.

Do put some filters on his web access. I used to use this when the DC were younger and never found any problems with it, but there might be something better out now.

If he's traumatised by what he's seen he probably will drip feed as it's difficult for him to talk about. Just keep listening. You should inform the school if things are being passed round there though, and if you can get the names of any of the other DC who are involved, their parents would probably want to know.

Final bit of advice - ask for your thread to be moved somewhere with more traffic.

MamaMaiasaura Sun 29-Apr-12 20:08:55

Thank you, I will so all that. He said thR site was pornhub and has given me a couple of names. I'm sad for him as his innocence has been affected sad

MamaMaiasaura Sun 29-Apr-12 22:20:23

Bumping. Have had long talk with him. E looked at anal and oral sex as well as 'Standard poses'. He also has been looking for a while and blamed peer pressure. Long long talk, reassured that body changes and feelings all normal. Talked about sources of information and that the Internet porn isn't a good source. He's feeling awful and expected me to go ballistic at him. I just don't feel angry at him, just very sad and disappointed. He also was aware what he was doing wasn't ok as deleted histories. The fact that he succumbed to peer pressure is worrying as he will come under a lot of it throughout school. I'm also thinking of contact school as a lot of the kids are sharing images on their phone and a few are specifically going to hard core sites. More of a heads up for the school.

We are trying to decide a suitable punishment. Any ideas?

IvanaNap Sun 29-Apr-12 22:29:03

No internet access is a given, i am guessing?

Anything you take away should be earnt back in increments, imo.

Does he have books on 'normal' sex (sex ed types) if not, maybe an idea to get some in a couple of weeks when things die down.

Really, really emphasise your pride at him owning up and knowing it was wrong.

Fairenuff Sun 29-Apr-12 22:30:29

I don't think you should punish him at all.

He came to you in a time of need. He did the right thing. He handed his problems over to his parents and they took the weight off his shoulders.

Keep talking to him, keep listening. The fact that he felt he could talk to you in the first place is really positive. I would definately tell the school about this so that they can be more vigilant in policing phones and also so that they are aware that he might be feeling a bit sensitive for a while.

What tools does he have to deal with peer pressure, have you talked about that. There will be lots of decisions he needs to make over the next few years and being able to be assertive and not dragged along with the crowd will help him enormously.

I think you should tell him that you are proud of him being mature enough to talk to you about this.

MamaMaiasaura Sun 29-Apr-12 22:37:30

Ok list of his things we could confiscate:

Mp3 player
Netbook
iPhone (not on contract, my old one on wifi before I get flamed)
Psp
Ds
Stereo
Electric guitar

He has read/got from library se good sex ed books. Thinking I should get some magazines like hello so he can look at Pics in there if curious.

I'm on two minds about confiscating electric guitar and stereo as he practices regularly on guitar and likes music which I see as a positive.

Have praised him for being honest.

He doesn't know this, but I was finding it hard to be around him tonight, knowing my first norms innocence has been marked by seedy porn.

MamaMaiasaura Sun 29-Apr-12 22:40:29

Fairnuff - we are very proud of him. He is asking to be punished blush. He said it would have been easier if I'd given him a smack!! Our concern is how he'd cope with peer pressure. He said they say of you don't do x,y or z you are not Ann. Ds said to me that he thinks it's more of a man thing to stand up to them and say no. Bless him.

Gosh I do feel proud of him and that he could talk to us.

Fairenuff Sun 29-Apr-12 22:42:46

He is still innocent.

He is actually a victim of the porn industry and really deserves your sympathy and support.

He needs to know that you still love him and he hasn't done anything wrong. Yes he looked. He was curious. Now he wishes he hadn't. He can't take it back but he can learn from this.

I wouldn't bother with Hello type magazines as they are just feeding the myth that women have to fit a certain 'look' or dress or behave a certain way.

TheFlyingFishFinger Sun 29-Apr-12 22:54:14

I'd be happy he spoke to you about it, what a great relationship you must have with him. This must of been hard for him to say.

Don't punish him. Just treat it as a learning curve, make sure you explain everything well. Block that kind of thing on the pc he uses. Personally I would inform the school as well.

I feel sad for you cause I know how you must be feeling, I think it would upset me a lot. You've delt with it well though smile

asiatic Sun 29-Apr-12 22:59:55

don't confiscate the guitar!

MamaMaiasaura Sun 29-Apr-12 23:00:09

Thank you. Yes he is innocent and a victim. He wishes he could unsee it. I don't understand why he kept going back, curiosity I guess.

Ok, we are obviously making sure restrictions on computer and on the tv. iPhone already restricted. Will arrange to go in to the school. Will give him am extra big hug in the morning.

Definately a learning curve

bibbitybobbitybunny Sun 29-Apr-12 23:00:11

Definitely let the school know.

MamaMaiasaura Sun 29-Apr-12 23:01:39

And he's not allowed netbook or iphone in his bedroom for foreseeable future. No tv in there anyway

MamaMaiasaura Sun 29-Apr-12 23:02:08

What do I say to the school?

lisaro Sun 29-Apr-12 23:05:22

Wow - he came to you and he didn't even know what the consequence would be. That in itself is fantastic although in rotten circumstances. I think you're right to impose restrictions but yes, a harsh punishment isn't needed as it sounds like the poor little guy has really been through the wringer. View the positive in this and keep the lines of communication open.

IvanaNap Sun 29-Apr-12 23:06:48

*I wouldn't bother with Hello type magazines as they are just feeding the myth that women have to fit a certain 'look' or dress or behave a certain way."

Definitely ^ this.

Are there sex ed videos? (tut, - DVDs nowadays, obviously!) Just thinking it is very different reading to seeing - hence the 'gap' that porn can fill in teens curiosity. Might be worth a thought at a later date.

I would say no internet use at all for a period of time.

CatitaInaHatita Sun 29-Apr-12 23:09:18

I'd tell them that it has come to your attention that boys in your DS's year (including DS.) have been accessing and sharing hard core porn via phones and computers. I wouldn't necessarily say DS had confessed ( as to let him handle this with his friends on his terms). I would suggest you say that you have taken measures to prevent DS doing this in future and ask for the school to take appropriate measures too.

I'm sorry that this has happened and how this has made you and DS feel. I can only say that perhaps that this could have a positive outcome, as it allows you to discuss this subject with him and explain you position on it. It might forearm him for the future. He might also want some help in thinking how to deal with his friends and their peer pressure.

Good luck. And feel proud of him that he could tell you.

timetosmile Sun 29-Apr-12 23:12:57

There's some method of blocking sites at source through your ISP, and thus it works accross all the devices in the home I am not geeky so don't quite know what this means.
Someone who actually knows something may well be able to tell you how, but in the meantime, you can find what I am burbling on about by googling Christian medical fellowship and looking on their lates blog I know it's a very wierd link but that's where I read about it last week!

And what a fab parent you must be that he came and owned up when he fely wobbly about all this.

MamaMaiasaura Sun 29-Apr-12 23:19:56

time dh a software engineer so will get him to look and fix. Thank you.

I want to go wake him and give him a hug (ds1 not dhgrin) as when he was crying earlier I had my 6 month old on lap and ds2 (4) hanging onto me so never got to physically comfort him. I'm over analysing

MamaMaiasaura Sun 29-Apr-12 23:23:07

Also do I tell ds1 dad (ex-p). Personally I think it should by ds's choice.

IvanaNap Sun 29-Apr-12 23:26:36

Yes, DS's choice. Ditto telling anyone else.

Hug tomorrow.

a gift of some sort for maturity at a later date; cos I'm a softie too

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now