Tearful

[Dizzymare25]

Hi everyone! I really just need to unload I think. I have been crying non stop for the past two hours and now can't face going to work. I just feel that my relationship with my dd is falling apart and I don't know how to stop it. My girl is nearly 16 and is strong willed but isn't really any trouble. We have become very close and I loved spending time with her going shopping or to cinema or to see a show. She has a bf who is older Than her and although I had reservations about this, I encouraged her to be open and honest about there relationship. I take her and pick her up from his house which is 20 miles in total up and down the road, and I do this at 3-4 times a wk, I encourage Him to come here as often as he wants, I buy them tickets fir gigs, organise days out, and also let her have sleepovers with her friends. I get on with her friends, and I have no problems with groups of friends coming here and often invite them on holidays or for days out. I have just paid £400 for her to go on holiday with her cousin. I support and encourage her in everything she does, whether it be dancing or guitar lessons. I am always there for her if she needs to talk, and when she recently broke up with her bf for a few days, I took time off work as she was so upset. Basically, she has everything she wants and I really don't know how to be a better mom. Lately, tho it is like she begrudged every word she has to speak to me. I have just driven to her bfs at 10 30 at night. I haven't seen her at all today, so was looking forward to hearing about her day. Every question was tho as usual met with one or two word answers and if I didn't speak neither did she. This has become a pattern. If I try to soak to her about how rude she is being, she just turns it round and says it's my fault for asking stupid questions and that I have put her in a bad mood. I then get very hurt and can't see why I would want to keep putting myself out for someone so ignorant, she goes to her room and I sit and cry! I am menopausal so guess am over sensitive. I know the answer is to leave her alone and that this is part of growing up, but I just want my lovely girl back! Sorry just needed to get this out and also to reassure myself that I am not going completely mad. :) now I gave read this back it seems too stupid for words that I should be so upset - but I am and I don't know how to stop it. Have i lost all sense?

[knittedslippersx3]

Sounds like very typical behaviour to me, Dizzy. Certainly very similar to my dd. It's hard when you have been so close and feel that you are doing nothing wrong and yet still get that treatment. Try not to take it to heart because once this phase is over she will come back to you, so to speak. Keep your head up, there are plenty more like us going through the same thing!

[gingeroots]

Courage Dizzy .
Hot bath ,smellies .
Be nice to yourself more than to your daughter .
Go to GP about how emotional your feeling ?

[MedusaIsHavingABadHairDay]

Your daughter sounds absolutely typical..

However you sound overwhelmed by the change in your relationship with her:(
, and , and I don't mean this critically, honest.. a bit too involved .

She is becoming independent and is also in massive hormonal change and she just isn't going to be that lovely kid that told you all about their day and wanted to be with you any more. It WILL come back, honest.. but you now you perhaps need to back off just a little, because the more you push for conversation and quality time the more she WILL back away and the more hurt you will feel in turn.

Teenagers need their parents.. but the don't really want them around up close.. more a background support act:) And is has nothing to do with how much you do for them, how much you offer them.. it's a natural process of separation which comes, whether quietly or with flouncing attitude and drama.. it just has to happen for them to become independent young adults.

I've been through this three times already.. (I have 4 teens but the youngest is autistic so a diff kettle of fish) who are 20, 19 18. They all 'left' me for a while, some just in a casual way.. DD2 no longer so snuggly. some in a dramatic fashion (DS1.. violence, stealing, drugs...) BUT at some point around the 18 year mark they 'returned' emotionally to me, but with an adult air about them . It's a painful process but somehow amazing at the same time.

Give her space.. she will come back:)

However just a note.. it does sound a little as if you are trying to be her friend, with buying tickets, ferrying her around etc etc. It won't make her grateful.. it may make her feel entitled.. and actually it might be better if she didn't get everything handed on a plate to her. Teens are rarely appreciative and being her loving mum doesn't mean you bend over backwards for her! Telling her to earn her own tickets and get the bloody bus, might just bring a bit more equality into the relationship!! Two of mine went through HIDEOUS breakups and I certainly didn't take time off work.. that is OTT.

Hang in there.. (and see your GP if you think you may be depressed)

[BerniW]

Don't beat yourself up! I am currently reading the book "Get out of my Life: But first take me and Alex into Town" which is always being recommended here on Mumsnet. It's totally transformed the way I look at my ds (16)! It explains how they are fighting to be independent from us while still remaining like children inside. They have a strong urge to push us away to prove they don't need us anymore. Just hang in there, try to accept that she's going to want to be without you sometimes and that she will come back to you when she's ready.
I would leave her to her own devices a bit more too - not be so keen to taxi her around/buy ticketss etc.
Good luck with the menopause (maybe see your doctor) - not quite at that stage in my life yet, but bracing myself for all the fun that entails!!

[Dizzymare25]

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I will definitely look out for that book berniw, it sounds just what I need to get things into perspective. I am overwhelmed by the changes, you are right and I also know I am too involved, possibly because she is my only daughter, and my youngest child. I have no other family to soeak off so my Dh and Children are everything to me . I was never like this with my two boys tho so I think I will go to my gp as I think the over sensitivity and tearfulness are to do with my hormones, so I guess it's never going to be easy with two hormonal women in the house! The only thing I would disagree with is that being at Home with dd after the break up was OTT. I took the day off as it was like she was bereaved, she cried all day and all night and I could not leave her on her own in that emotional state. We had a girly day, ate cream eggs and Ben and jerrys and watched funny films. It didn't make the problem go away, but at least lifted her mood for a few hours :) thanks again for the support :)

[alemci]

Oh Dizzy, I know exactly how you feel. Have been there with my 18 year old and tried to do so much for her and run her around.

try and step back a bit and do things for you. Put yourself first for a change and try not to be too available.

[alemci]

sorry dd came in as I was typing on this post. I have been like that when my dd broke up with her BF. I felt very upset for her but she wouldn't let me in. You get emotionally involved but it does you no good. the rejection really hurts

the thing that helps me is to develop your own life and try and see your own friends and make things to look forward to for you.

Going to your GP is a really good idea. I have been really affected by my ED and her relationships. I am also in my 40's and feeling hormonal.

Girls can be so mean. My YD is close to her sister and I feel really excluded at times.

[musicposy]

It's so hard, isn't it? I'm still very close to my 16 year old but I can see it changing when she goes off to sixth form (some way away) in September, and when she is with her friends I am really of much less importance. It's a little easier for me as I have a 12 year old.

I do wonder if you do a bit too much for her without any return, however. She sounds as though she gets everything she wants without having to be nice in return. I think I make my 16 year old work a bit harder for her priviliges than you do yours. She gets a small monthly allowance which has to stretch for days out with friends etc. Any more and she has to babysit or earn the money in extra chores. She pays for part of her dance lessons etc. I think this makes her a bit more grateful for what she has. When they were young, I always knew when I was giving them too much because they got far more ungrateful and stopped being so nice to me!

If it is all too much, get some antidepressants or counselling from your GP. I think if you can genuinely step back a bit, thinks will improve in their own time. Good luck. :)

[RoseWei]

DS, 16 - doing very little GCSE revision - next to none. Tethered to his computer/x-box day in, day out. Try every trick in the book to get him off. Short of taking away internet connection as when I do, he because very, very moody and unpleasant.

This morning was hell. Other DS had a bad headache and wasn't prepared to get into the car for dental check up - dentist about an hour's drive away. He's done this before and dentist said we'd be charged next time so I was so keen he went - also, of course, for his health.

Lost it - really lost it - everything - the rudeness, the laziness, the total lack of help in the house - both DSs - got to me. I pulled the modem out and broke it - one DS in car to dentist (the headachy one stayed at home) and a silent journey. DH hardly said anything - and hadn't give me back up at home.

After appointments, I slipped into a shop to buy a router (stupid me - ) - expensive and, hey presto, have spent hours on phone to tech support as it barely functions. (Dealing with that - but will be a few days.) DS, 16, in such a strop with me. Muttering about how annoyed he is. How his passwords have been compromised - how this, how that. DH at work and the atmosphere is hell. Wanted to go away for a couple of nights but just read a post which sensibly said that actually teenagers need their mothers to be around (in spite of appearances.)

DS will not study, will not speak to me, is behaving like a tortured soul without easy access to a fast internet service (which will be OK come Tuesday).

On top of all this, I have mega problems which the kids don't know about, legal hassles to do with my mum's estate. Big problems, court hearing, all sorts - nasty stuff and all I want is some peace, love and friendliness at home.

Think DS is genuinely addicted to gaming - hardly lives in the real world and worried that this is causing him to see me, not as a human with emotions but as just another character in his games, only one to attack. Wants his own computer, says for studying, but he has use of my laptop (of course not fast enough for him) and access to the vg family computer.

Weary, sad, lonely - do I just ride this out? Everytime I take affirmative action, hell is unleashed. Thanks!

[RoseWei]

so sorry - meant to put the above into separate thread - have done so now.
Dizzy - feel for you - agree that perhaps too much is being done for your DD and that you need to put you first for a while (but that's probably what I'm going to be told re my situation, too!!) Good luck.

[Dizzymare25]

thank you again. You are of course all right - I do far too much and give too much - but I just like to make people happy! Please dont get the impression that I havent got a life or that I dont do things for myself - I actually have quite a hectic life and go out lots - especially to gigs (and im going to my first festival in August) - but thats a whole other story (midlife crisis I think! but its a fun crisis) I am genuinely going to take a step back, and try not to get so involved; I am also going to try to ignore things when she is being rude so we dont get into that viscious circle again. She really is not a bad girl and can be a pleasure to be around. I have started taking some herbal tablets which are supposed to help with menopausal symptoms. I dont really want to take anti depressants if I can help it, but will monitor the mood swings. Im not going to stop being my daughters friend tho - as I think its lovely to be friends and only wish I could have had that sort of relationship with my Mother (and maybe there lies the problem!) I am really appreciative to everyone who took the time to offer their thoughts - it really is great to have some support and just someone to help put things into perspective sometimes. so thank you all again :)

[musicposy]

:)
Definitely I'm friends with my daughter and I think it's lovely. But I think it's important not to be afraid to be the parent sometimes (not saying that means you are at all!).

I'm not convinced that doing too much and giving too much actually does make them happy. I think they are happier, deep down inside, if they know they cannot take advantage of you and if they are pulling their weight a little bit. They get a sense of things being fair that way, even if they don't admit it!

I've insisted DD1 revises for GCSEs this holiday and I said no when she was asked to a sleepover. I told her I always normally would say yes, but these GCSEs will be with her for ever and she can go to all the sleepovers she likes when they are over. I half expected all hell to break loose, but she was fine. Then later this evening she admitted she was quite enjoying the revision, particularly the bits I've been going through with her (we've done some bitesize together etc). So, although I think it's wonderful to have a friendship, you have to remember that lots of people can be their friends but only you can be their parent - and they do need that sometimes.