16 year old daughter -At my wits end!!

[Fartoomany]

My daughter is an only child, never enjoyed school from year 3-sat in class quietly sucking thumb and twirling her curls, this continued until she left in June 2011-every teacher said the same-she can do but it's just finding what makes her tick? Did scrape through with some GCSE results. Has never had any idea about what she might like to do with her life(apart from sleep)? managed to get her slightly interested in a college course-did attend for 3 weeks in September 2011, long story but didn't stay at college. Dad gave her a well paid job(against his better judgement) daughter left in February'12 as not what she wants to do! Now has NO interest in work what so ever! stays at boyfriends house, doss's about all day, comes home to eat and sleep a couple of times a week. Doesn't do anything of interest in life? How I see it, the longer you do nothing, the more difficult it is to do something? Extremely depressing watching a tall, beautiful young person let life go by - any suggestions?

[HappyAsASandboy]

I don't have teenagers (yet), but I think you have to get tough. If she's left school then she has to support herself, so I think you should be charging her board & lodging, though to help her while she's job hunting you could offer to pay her (a basic wage) for cleaning/cooking/car washing/other jobs. Then you have to, separately, charge her a fixed amount for board & lodging.

The risk is that she'll move out (an in with the boyfriend by the sound of it). Personally I'd risk that, bit make it really clear she's welcome to live at home as long as she is either attending school/college or paying board & lodging.

There surely isn't anything else you can do unless you're happy to let her carry on with what she's doing. Right now she has absolutely no incentive to change anything ....

[Fartoomany]

She did move out for 3 months to live with her boyfriend when she gave up college, as I had had enough. boyfriend lives with his Nan who appears to spoil him? Nan eventually got fed up with supporting another mouth to feed so daughter moved back to her Nans 1st, then when Nan had enough of her, then back home. The basic wage idea is fine, BUT she does have to get out of bed to do the jobs! I work and gone are my days of trying to get her up before I go to work, it was bad enough for school! I guess I'm stuck - unless she wants to help herself - no one else can? Thanks for replying.

[purplecupcake]

Are you sure that you dont have my DD .. exactly the same.

My DD actually put down sleeping techniques on her college application, She wont stick to anything, has no idea what she wants to do with her life, spends most nights and days at the bf's, he lives with his parents and attends college part time. I only see her when she needs her clothes washing and the occasional time to get fed.

Sorry i cant be of any help, you wanted you to know your not alone.

[MedusaIsHavingABadHairDay]

Stop enabling her to live this way.

Ok you can't stop her seeing her boyfriend, but it sounds as though she is allowed to stay with him and come and go willy nilly... and she's 16???!

Where are the boundaries? I don't know of many 16 year olds who are simply allowed to come and go as they please let along staying with boyfriends in that way! ( yes I know 16 yr olds have sex but most are NOT flaunting it or allowed to sleep at Boyfriends as they please!)

If she isn't at school, and she ins't in a job, how is she funding her life, her phone etc? I assume boyfriend isn't paying for everything in their lives?

GET TOUGH. Don't pay her a basic wage for home stuff.. she's a young adult therefore if she was her stuff washing SHE does it. Don't wash her clothes or cook for her and don't for God's sake give her money.. she's on a nice free existence by the sounds of things and personally if I could swan about all day and still have my home life for free, I jolly well would too.

But life's not like that and you need to get tough.

I have 3 teens and a 20 yr old. They had the choice to stay at school and work for Uni (two of them) or leave school and get a job. No handouts.. and even through 6th form they had to work p/t jobs. They NEEDED to know that I wasn't going to support them past 16 if they weren't actively supporting themselves... and yes they still have curfew times :)

[flow4]

I think you can count yourself lucky Medusa! I have the same problem with my son, and there is nothing I can do about it, short of throwing him out, which I have so far not done but am still considering.
My son seems to be on self-destruct; he knows he is behaving badly, but he doesn't stop himself, and I can no longer stop him. I grounded him: he climbed out the window. I confiscated play station etc: he found them and took them back while I was at work. I confiscated his phone and took it with me: he used it as an excuse to stay out without telling me where he was. I stopped his money: he has refused to go to college and stolen from me. I bought a cash box and fitted locks. I set him chores: he doesn't do them. He has been without an allowance since Xmas, his phone is currently blocked for outgoing calls and texts, and I provide no 'services' except a family meal a couple of times a week. I continue to tell him if/when I think he's behaving badly, even if I can't stop him, in the hope that the 'moral message' is still getting through.
The trouble is, once a young person has decided to be bloody minded, the whole thing becomes impossible. There are no sanctions left, and tho I reluctantly brought myself to use rewards to try to motivate him (phone back if he goes to college, for instance) it isn't currently working. He sees me as a bitch because I won't just let him do what he likes, and is unbelievably rude when he gets angry with me. Our family life is often pretty miserable, except when we ignore him and go off and do things without him. I am angry with the teen he is being, and bereaved to have lost the boy I loved.
I suspect he is going to keep on taking the piss until I take the 'ultimate sanction' and throw him out, but he has told me he won't go quietly (he actually told me I should f-off if I didn't like living with him!) so I anticipate needing to call the police and change locks and all kinds of grimness... :( It might come to that, but at the moment I haven't quite stopped hoping the aliens will return my real son.

[MedusaIsHavingABadHairDay]

Oh I haven't been lucky.. but I have persevered. While my DDs have only put us through 'normal' teen shit (drop dead drunk in the park at 14 etc etc) my DS1 put us through just about everything..

By 14 we had a combi safe because he was stealing from us.. by 15 it was weed.. by 16 he was arrested (ironically for something he hadn't done!) and then he and his 'mates' were curfewed by our local police for 6 months..an informal arrangement but very effective, and which probably saved him from really going down the wrong path.

He punched holes through our walls numerous times and once had me by the throat..

So no, I don't think we have been lucky! If we had any luck it was in having fantastic local police who knew our kids and as one of them said when they curfewed him' he's not a really bad kid but he's a stupid teen and we want to stop him now before he goes down a path he can't stop'

I apologise If I came across as smug.. I really DO know how hard it is. Leaving my DS1 to panic in a cell for a few hours was awful.. but necessary because being treated as a criminal.. not just a kid, showed him just how unpleasant life can be if you don't sort yourself out.

For a long time I had to pretty much detach myself from his behaviour.. for my sanity. I was civil to him but refused to engage with his attempts to spoil for a fight.I REALLY thought we would have to kick him out.. but hung on in the hope he would return to us eventually as the nice kid we once had.

He has. He's 19 this week, and while not perfect, (still smokes weed) he worked a few p/t jobs from 16...so stopped stealing from us..and now is in a full time job caring for adults with learning disabilities and is incredibly caring and passionate about it. He pays his rent and is hoping to move in with his friend at the end of this year. If someone had told me he would be even HALF this decent 18m ago I'd have laughed..or sobbed.

Please hang in there.. honestly my son was a total ass hole for YEARS, and it's only recently that he has begun to mature and become human again....

[AnyFucker]

I completely agree with, and am inspired by, Medusa

I have a 16yo dd, OP, and I feel your pain

[flow4]

I take it all back, Medusa! You did sound a teensy weensy bit smug, but you don't now, so thanks for the apology and the details :) It is really, really good to hear there is some hope!

[MedusaIsHavingABadHairDay]

:) There is indeed. I AM sorry for sounding smug.. I'm really not, and am still totally amazed that DS1 is now in a decent job and not serving time at HM pleasure!!!! (though as he worked a 12 hour shift today and had to deal with a client having a massive seizure I suspect he will have a distinct whiff of pot by the time he comes home..not working tomorrow thankfully!)

There IS hope :)

(but you may be entirely grey by then..I am )

[flow4]

Haha Medusa... On second reading I can see it was really relief! :)

Fartoomany, I think you're right that the longer you do nothing, the harder it is to do something... It's strange: my son claims he just wants an easy life, but he actually makes it harder for himself in this and so many other ways.