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Considering bribing 14 year old dsd with a blackberry to get an implant - wwyd?

109 replies

humptydidit · 04/03/2012 21:56

Dsd age 14 is sexually active. She currently on the pill which she got originally to help with terrible mood swings and general raging hormones.

Have found out she is now using it as a contraceptive, except that she doesn't seem to "get" the importance of taking it properly and it's a battle to get her to take it. I mean she will not take it unless she is told and supervised every single day.

Last month she slipped up and ended up missing one pill, then we found out she is having sex with her boyfriend with no condom. So quick trip to doctor to get morning after pill to cover that.

We have spent hours and hours with her discussing the risks and consequences of sex with no condoms (std's) as well as the risk of pregnancy if she doens't take her pill properly. Basically she doesn't feel confident enough to say no. It breaks my heart and we have also discussed not having sex unless you feel ready.

We suggested that she got an implant, as a more reliable form of contraception but she says she doesn't like needles and injections. But she is desparate for a blackberry. Dp has suggested we get a blackberry for her birthday (july), but tell her she can have it now if she agrees to get the implant... No implant, no blackberry till July.

WWYD, is this a ridiculous idea? Is it wrong to bribe her like this? Obvioulsy she needs to realise that she is not respecting herself having sex if she feels pressurised and she runs the risk of catching a std, but at least it would cover the unwanted pregnancy side of things

TIA

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timetosmile · 04/03/2012 22:06

Don't think I have anything constructive to say an the bribery front...

I would be having serious words with the boyfriend and/or his mother is the problem is 'she isn't confident enough to say no'
And I think she needs some help in feeling more assertive too.

But, on the contraceptive front......
Have you considered the contraceptive patch? (bit like an HRT patch)
It contains the same hormones as the combined pill..'21 days on, 7 days off' one, but you stick a patch on once a week, for 3 weeks then have a week off...similar 'rhythm' but obviously you only have to remember to do something about it once a week.

You need an injection of local anaesthetis and then a needle device..which although the skin is numb, looks pretty scary to a needle-phobe, I would imagine, and the bleeding pattern, especially initially, can be awful.

Chat with a local FPC or practice nurse - there are a few other options out there..it's not just pill or injection/implant!

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humptydidit · 04/03/2012 22:12

timeto thanks for replying, we have thought about most options available...

Tbh, I think the needle phobia thing is a bit of an excuse, she is also desparate to have her belly button pierced, despite the huge needle for that Hmm

You are right, it is almost more important to sort out her issues with feeling confident and assertive and we are working with her. She is a great talker but just very insecure, so it's a long and slow work in progress.

The other thing to consider I guess is that if she thinks contraception is sorted, then that's like us giving her the go ahead to have as much sex as she wants, which of course we aren't... I just know that she would really struggle with a baby of her own...

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uruculager · 04/03/2012 22:14

Am I reading this correctly?

A 14 year old child who is too immature to maintain a birth control regime is having sex because she's too scared to say "no". She won't go on a more reliable form of contraception because she doesn't like needles and your response to this state of affairs is to try and bribe her with an expensive camera phone that she will get anyway in a couple of months.

I have nothing more to say.

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humptydidit · 04/03/2012 22:20

uruculager, thanks for replying, you are totally right, the whole situation is a mess...

The reason I am posting is to get some suggestions from other's...

If I could chose, she would not be having sex at all, as she is no way ready, therefore she would not need contraception, but the fact of the matter is that she is having sex and there is very little that can be done to stop it in reality, apart from making it as safe as possible.

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AgentProvocateur · 04/03/2012 22:21

I have teenagers of my own (15 & 17), so I'm not easily shocked, but I am am a bit Sad at your post. Your DD is having unprotected sex because she doesn't have the confidence to say no? This implies that she doesn't want to have sex with him - in which case, it's up to you as the parent to say no for her Do you know the boyfriend? I'm afraid I'd be reading them the riot act, especially if he's over 16, when, technically, he could go on the sex offenders register.

I'd be working on boosting her confidence, rather than bribing her to get long-tern contraceptives so she can continue having sex when she doesn't want to.

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CuttedUpPear · 04/03/2012 22:25

No wonder she feels insecure if all you do to protect her from statutory rape is TALK to her about assertiveness!
FGS I can't believe this. She shouldn't be having sex in the first place, she is a child.

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humptydidit · 04/03/2012 22:27

agent thanks for replying. We do know who the boyfriend is. The current situation after the morning after pill incident, is that she is only allowed to see him under supervision by us, basically she can meet him at home, in the house and garden or sit on the bench directly outside our front gate with him.

I can assure you that we have been over and over with her that she should not feel pressurised and that it is the wrong reason to be having sex. Part of the problem, is her friends, who are also putting pressure on her. But it's very difficult for us to separate them from her, as they are at school with her too.

I think it would be naive for us to totally ban her from seeing this particular boy, as she could then start seeing another one who goes to school with her and still have sexual contact with him.

Serioulsy ladies, what would you actually do? Ban her from seeing him? Ground her totally? We are out of ideas here Sad

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AgentProvocateur · 04/03/2012 22:28

Sorry about my lack of punctuation. Also, I see that she's your DSD. Does she live with you or her mum? Would she consider some sort of counselling to help with her self esteem?

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humptydidit · 04/03/2012 22:30

cuttedup how do you suggest we stop her?

I am not making excuses, I am being realistic. The fact of the matter is that it seems many of her friends are sexually active too and we can't stop her from seeing them too to remove that influence.

We are really struggling here.

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humptydidit · 04/03/2012 22:33

agent she lives with us, sees her mum about once a fortnight. Unfortunately, her mum is not helping the situation.... she regularly sets boundaries and then backs down when dsd challenges them.

She has had some counselling and input from pcamhs after past incidents of self harming and poor behaviour at school. We are really proud that she has stopped self harming and her behaviour and attainment at school has improved dramatically in the last 6 months, so don't want to undermine the progress that she has made there, but at the same time, we are desparately worried about her.

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AgentProvocateur · 04/03/2012 22:34

I think I would look at changing schools - to private if that's financially possible - so that she can have a fresh start. As unfair as it may be, once she's got a reputation for having sex at that age, it will be hard to shake off and will lead into a negative spiral. For instance, if I had a daughter whose friend was having sex at 14, I'd discourage the friendship and think she was a negative influence. Any other boy she goes out with at that school will expect to have sex with her too.

What activities does she do outside school? Does she have other interests?

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AceOfBase · 04/03/2012 22:38

Although I don't like the idea of bribing her, on balance if it protects her from an unwantedpregnancy I think it is worth it. The trauma of abortion of even an unwanted baby is considerably more than that of an implant, and should be avoided at all costs. Of course her self esteem is important but that is something that will take a while to build up and in that in between time she will still be sexually active. An implant could potentially save a lot of heartache (although of course there is still the sti issue) and gives you time to build up her self-confidence to the point she can say no. Wrt the sti issue perhaps a bit of googling on the effects of them could be enough to shock her into using condoms but as they are not 100% reliable another form of contraception is necessary. At the end of the day as her parents you are responsible for her health and well-being and although she is old enough to decide for herself a bit of extra encouragement can't hurt as i should think she is probably a little overwhelmed by choices and responsibility. Even if she takes it as permission to have sex at least you will know she's protected from some things

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uruculager · 04/03/2012 22:39

I know I said I had nothing to say but I do actually have one more thing. If she's easily pressured, getting her a Blackberry is a terrible idea.

BBMs are free once you've paid for the data and unlimited. All Blackberries have a camera and she can send and receive pictures and videos from anyone, any time. If someone sends a picture through BBM it doesn't show up on their statement as it would with a normal phone, it simply counts against their data usage.

How old is her boyfriend?

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humptydidit · 04/03/2012 22:40

agent changing schools is not an option. There is only 1 high school in the town we live in, the next school is 10 miles away... And private is not an option.

I agree these friends are a negative influence, but we can't choose her friends for her... I'm not meaning to sound defeatist, but I honestly don't know what else we can do

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PhyllisDoris · 04/03/2012 22:42

Sounds like a dreadful dilemma, and I feel for you. She is way too young to be having sex, but she is, and sounds like you're not going to stop her short of locking her up.

Bribery sounds better when it's relabelled as "reward". Who pays for her mobile? Can you reward her each successful month of pill taking/patch wearing by paying for her contract? Blackberry as bonus after, say, four successful months. She might be in routine by then. You could always make her revert to old phone if she lapses again.

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humptydidit · 04/03/2012 22:44

uru boyfriend is 15.

I also agree with you that bbm is probably not the best idea. Perhaps we should forget the blackberry for her birthday and she should earn it by being more responsible?

In the mean time, it doesn't change the fact that she is still sexually active with inadequate contraception.

I honestly think things like facebook and chat rooms have been very influential to her as well. It is frightening to see her friends online, one has 1500 friends on facebook, most of them are male and many of which she doesn't even know. These kids seem to see nothing wrong with sharing pictures and chatting to complete strangers over the internet, and it terrifies me.

What a fucking mess!

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TinkerSailerSoldierSpy · 04/03/2012 22:45

Oh my gosh, please, for her sake, stop her. I speak from experience here, I'm barely out of my teens. Teenage pregnancy ruins you life, and there is no contraception that is full proof when your hormonal, it can mess up the pill as well. You honestly need to tell this boy to fuck off. She will hate you for it but it's the best method because she is TOO YOUNG and she'll end up hurt and in a situation she can't control. Looking back, I wish my mother had told my bf to leave and never come back. :(

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CuttedUpPear · 04/03/2012 22:46

You ask how you would stop her? Perhaps in the same way you might stop her from robbing old ladies, if that's what she was doing. Put a stop to the relationships which encourage the situation - those with the boyfriend and the friends who are also having sex.
You say she lacks self confidence - give her good boundaries so se can feel secure with YOU, not go looking for it in a sexual situation.

I have a teenage daughter too. Be firm and ground her if necessary - it sounds like it is.

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joanofarchitrave · 04/03/2012 22:47

Blimey. TBH I'm amazed that she is considered Gillick competent (is that still the phrase?) though I totally get that at least she is being protected from some things.

I'd be really tempted to consider home education until she is 16, preferably on an otherwise uninhabited island.... [unhelpful]

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CuttedUpPear · 04/03/2012 22:48

Stop the Facebooking then too. It's possible, I did it when necessary.

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humptydidit · 04/03/2012 22:48

phyllis, she is on pay as you go currenlty and has a £10 top up probably twice a month maximum as a reward for good behaviour.

Once the blackberry was hers, it could definately be removed if she doesn't behave, that's a very good idea.

Do you think very heavy policing of taking the pill would be better? It seems totally wrong to me that if you are old enough to want to have sex, that you can't bother to protect yourself, and I guess the implant won't help that. But honestly, the last fortnight after her taking the morning after pill, waiting for her period to come, was just hellish. We also are insisting that she goes to a clinic for a screening for std's, but again, it doens't change the fact that she is probably still going to continue to have sex.

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Maryz · 04/03/2012 22:52

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Maryz · 04/03/2012 22:55

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uruculager · 04/03/2012 23:04

I really hate hearing phrases like "if she wants to, she'll find a way" or "you can't stop her from having sex".

How do we know that she really wants to have sex?

This girl is having sex because "she doesn't feel confident enough to say no" according to the OP. It doesn't sound like she's having sex because she's wonderfully empowered or deeply in touch with her inner sexual self and refuses to be cowed by the double standards of our slut shaming patriarchal overlords or whatever the correct view of teenage girls' sexuality is these days. She's doing it because she can't say no.

She needs and perhaps deep down she maybe even wants some clear boundaries. If she can't say no you have a duty to say no for her.

This thread is bothering me more and more. Your daughter had sex because she couldn't say no. Not saying no is not the same as saying yes. Sex as a result of emotional coercion is still coerced sex. I think you should think very carefully about whether or not it is appropriate to involve the police.

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humptydidit · 04/03/2012 23:05

Maryz. Thank you for your post. You made me cry with relief.
My own kids are much younger and I never realised how tough the teenage years are as a parent. Also myself as a teenager was terrified of getting pregnant so I am struggling to understand dsd at all.
I think in her heart she knows having sex isn't right at the moment. I know she doesn't actually enjoy it. The current situation is that she is only allowed to spend time with any friends while at home so we can supervise... But we can't do this forever. IF we ground her totally she Will completely rebel again which Will set back all the good progress she has made.
Also we can't stop her having sex forever... Or from skipping school and doing it then... Such a huge mess and we are simply terrified she Will get pregnant and that Will make everything a million times worse@

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