Teenager caught forging college tutors signature! Help

[shazmack1]

Hi, my son has forged his college tutors signature twice so he can leave college early to go to work!! Hi tutor called our house and spoke to my partner (not my sons Dad), we both tried to talk to him but things got a bit heated from my partners side as he felt my son was just agreeing all the time and told him to leave the house. I stepped in and refused to let him go (his Dad lives in the next town and doesn't spend any time with my son), my partner is now threatening to leave. This is the first time he has done anything like this although we have had a problem with him not being totally honest - nothing too major. I am devastated he has done this and don't know how to solve it! He is nearly 18.

[GnomeDePlume]

A few thoughts:

• why did your DS feel the need to act dishonestly and forge signatures? Is there not a procedure he can follow to leave early?
  
• is your DP feeling undermined?
  
• you need to look at how to get your DS to recognise that consequences of dishonesty are far more serious at 18 than at 17. Is this what your DP is trying to get your DS (and you) to understand?

[notjustme]

Earlier I was going to reply and say that it's quite common for them to try and get away with writing 'faux' letters from teachers, or at least, at DD2s school it is, but then they are 14 and it's letters to get them to the front of the lunch queue/go to the toilet during a lesson.

Having thought about it now and realising the difference between his age and a 14 year old, what GnomedePlume says is important - at 18, forging someone's signature is fraud and I know someone who was done for forging a signature on a document - it nearly ended in them going to prison but they were very lucky and got the maximum community service instead. That's what you need to get into his head. I don't think it is a problem big enough to chuck him out though and I think your DP is over-reacting in that sense - it will solve nothing.

[reddaisy]

At least it was to leave college to go to work, not to do something illegal or irresponsible. Cut him some slack. We used to forge signatures all the time from school/college to home and vice versa. Tell him he has been caught out, explain why he shouldn't do it and try and see if you can help to sort the situation out so that he doesn't have to do it again.

[DownbytheRiverside]

Interesting, a friend's son just used to email the college using his parent's email. And not to get out of going for something as virtuous as work either.
Your partner's reaction seems excessive.
Your son needs to know that the consequences of forgery can be severe, but from his POV, he was probably working out a compromise between college and work. How many hours is he doing at work?
Does he have any other source of income but that?
Does he like college?
He needs to go in and discuss what he's done with his tutors, they are likely to have a much more rational response than parents.

[shazmack1]

Thank you so much to everyone who replied. He says he only did it cos he didn't 'think' that his Tutor would let him leave early. So he didn't even ask to see if he could! He did go and apologise to his Tutor yesterday and he said his Tutor told him how upset he is with him and told him to keep his head down and just finish this year off. He works between 8 and 16 hours a week, depending on what work needs. That is his only income, I pay for his phone contract and his footy subs, any college things he needs. His Dad does not pay maintenance and only used to help with his school uniform! We spoke last night me and my DP. We both agree that he needs to realise how serious it is, we thought about asking him to go and stay with Dad for a couple of weeks but I really don't want to do that as his Dad lives in the next Town and transport is really difficult for both work and college. DP suggested taking his house key off him and making him come and go when we did, don't want to take his house key from him either as at the weekend he works odd hours and we both agreed that was a bit cruel. I was going to pay for his driving lessons for christmas and am thinking that if I take that away (he is desperate to start learning) and he has to pay for it himself and cancel his phone contract and make him buy a pay as you go and pay for that himself it might make him more responsible. I just need him to know that for everything he does there are consequences not just for him but everyone around him. I am still really upset with him, he has never done anything like this before (that we know of anyway) and am finding it hard to believe anything he says!! Do I just leave it now and hope he gets it?? Or should I punish him!!

[noddyholder]

Your dp is being OTT. He would really kick a teenager out for making a mistake like this esp as he was going to work!

[noddyholder]

I think all the punishmnents you are considering are too strong for what he has done.

[shazmack1]

To Noddyholder, thank you so much! DS is my only child and I sometimes wonder if I am being too strict then other times I wonder if I am too soft!! I think maybe I should just back off for a time and try and just get my head round it all! Look at the bigger picture!

[OneHandFlapping]

He is almost an adult. I think you need to treat him as one. Taking away his house key is treating him like a naughty little boy, and taking away his driving lessons would be out of proportion - plus driving is a necessary life skill.

He sounds like a nice boy, who did something thoughtless without thinking of the consequences, and as you say it was for good reasons. I doubt if he'll do it again now.

[TheRhubarb]

Bloody hell! He's 18 ffs! College is meant to be voluntary is it not? If he is working then let the lad work!

As for your dp threatening to leave, he is forcing you to choose between him and your son and for me there would be no choice to make. The partner would be out on his arse.

Look, you have a son who goes to college AND is holding down a part-time job. How about a little positivity here? No doubt he is finding it quite tough to keep both of these commitments up and no doubt he knows that his dad refuses to pay to help him, so he probably feels quite unwanted and in the way.

You are treating him like a child and by telling him to go to his dads, you are enforcing the notion that he is unwanted. He is 18 years old so start treating him as though he is 18, i.e. with a little respect and you might get some back. He's already apologised and explained why he did what he did, that should be an end of it.

He sounds like a hard-working, responsible lad who owned up to his 'crime' straight away. Give him a break.

[butterfliesandladybirds]

I feel quite sorry for you and your son and agree with those saying this sounds too harsh for what seems like a lovely young man who just didn't think through what he was doing. We all make mistakes, that's what life is about at this age. It sounds like your DP is too harsh too and could do with working on his relationship with your DS. Hugs to you both.

[TheRhubarb]

Oh hang on - new poster and first thread.

FFS!

[mumeeee]

I agree with noddyholder. Your DP was OTT and the punishments you're suggesting are harsh. He made a mistake, he's seen you and his tutor are upset. Also he has apologised to his tutor. At least he only forged the signature so he could get to work on time not to go off partying. He's probably learnt from his mistake now and won't repeat it. So I would just let him get his head down and get on with his college course as he's tutor has told him.

[shazmack1]

Again, thank you to everyone who posted. I maybe have gone off the deep end, he is generally a really good lad and both me and DP are very proud of him going to college AND working, especially the job he is doing is hard work with not much pay. But we are so frightened that he mucks up and struggles when he leaves college. 'Let him learn by his own mistakes' - is easy to say but a bit harder to follow. But thank you all for your posts, I know I am a lot luckier than some parents out there and most of your comments have helped me put it into prespective.

[reddaisy]

My mum was very strict when I was growing up: no sleepovers allowed etc, etc but even she wouldn't have cared if I had done this. She would have told me off but at that age she wouldn't have dreamt of punishing me. The poor lad.