What age to allow first 'date'?

[littleanne73]

Afternoon my Daughter has been asked to the Cinema this weekend by a boy who is 15, she is 14. It will just be the two of them and will be during the daytime. Just wondered what age other Mums think is the 'right' age to allow a first 'date' my Daughter tells me he is 15 but I don't know him so I don't know when he is 16, she is only just 14. What do other Mums think? Let her go and be home straight after? She is a very sensible girl and always (touch wood) does what she is told. Thanks!

[wahwahwah]

25 at least

[littleanne73]

Absolutely!

[AnyFucker]

to be serious for a moment, my d was 15 when she had her first "date"...
nothing much came of it, btw

she saw him a couple of times, declared him "too clingy" and now they are mates

[littleanne73]

Brilliant! She sounds quite a character, 'too clingy'! So difficult to know what to do. It was so easy when she was just mates with boys.

[ragged]

DC not that old yet, so admittedly this is hypothetical, but here goes...

Rather than think of set age, better to build up their skills so that they are most likely to make the right choices when opportunities arise. Because at end of the day you can't be on top of them 24/7 and they could get up to all sorts of awful behaviour if they wanted to, they would find a way by this age. Better to work on them having the self-esteem to say No to things that might be risky, and not succumb to pressure, or thinking they have to say Yes to be cool, etc.

So 14 should be fine (I think even 12 might be fine), if they have a reasonable quantity of sense and lifeskills for that age. But yes, I'd want to pick them up at the end of the time sharpish, just to make it easy for them to fend off any pressure to take things further than they are ready for. I guess I'd be more protective of girls if I'm honest, though maybe boys need just as much protection.

[JinxAndFluff]

I think the cat's out the bag if she wants to go, especially as it sounds like a 'reasonable' date, no late clubbing or parties at private houses. I think by that age the important thing is that you and her have a good relationship so she can talk to you and trusts you and vice versa. Mine will be 14 start nxt year and that's the approach I'll be taking (of course her dad will be waiting with a large club just in case he brings her home late or her top looks vaguely rumpled...)

[littleanne73]

Thanks ragged that's good advice, and I think, even if your advice is hypothetical, that it's great advice! You have given me a fresh way of looking at it. She is very very sensible and mature for her years, and you're right that she would find a way to misbehave! Guess we all have over the years. She is very respectful of the boundaries we put in place, the only serious one so far has been absolutely no alcohol when we are not with her. She understands and respects this, sadly alot of her friends are getting drunk at parties already. We will relax this in time, but not yet. Thanks again.

[AnyFucker]

I totally agree with ragged

14 isn't too young if they have the life skills

I did drop off and pick her up that time and will continue to do so (she is now 16)

I wouldn't take it too seriously at this stage, tbh

[littleanne73]

I agree JinxandFluff I think my Daughters Dad will be exceptionally protective! In his head there are so many rules! Your're right it's a reasonable date. It's so difficult to know what to do most of my friends have younger kids.

Any**er I was pleased you said that you have carried on doing drop offs and pick ups, so many parents now seem to let their kids come and go as they please, sometimes I feel I am the only one that puts boundaries in place.

Thanks for your advice.

[AnyFucker]

Indeed

We have boundaries in this 'ere house

[ragged]

Thanks for the compliments , although it's not really original. It's pretty much what the SexEd lady said years ago when she came to DC primary school sadly most of it went over many of the other parents' heads, that building the children's expectations up about intimacy was what would protect them best from too early sex or wild behaviour, to make it sound so special that they wouldn't possibly want to throw the opportunity away casually. To make sure they had the best self-esteem so that they would want to look after themselves and not take second best in any relationship or experience.

I read a lot of the same theme recently in a book about girls growing up too fast.

A very concerned and competent friend has a wild 14yo DD on her hands & seeing how impossible it is to keep that girl safe has brought home to me that a lot has to come within.

Time will tell if I can manage to successfully put any of it into practice (Gulp).

[AnyFucker]

having teenagers is really bloody scary

[cory]

What ragged said, and also to add that I would try to make clear to teen that a date doesn't have to be about rushing headlong into Romeo and Juliet: it is possible to enjoy a simple cinema outing with a boy you fancy and this is socially acceptable.

In fact, this is why I like the slow building up of courtship that happens in many schools where you "ask someone out" from age 11 onwards but the expectations are that nothing much will take place until you are very much older.

Ds (Yr 7) informed me the other day that he has been single for two weeks now. So I fixed him with my best maternal stare and said "well I hope, during the weeks that you are not single, that nothing much happens" and he looked absolutely horrified at the thought of any actual physical contact between him and his latest flame.

Going round giggling at opposite ends of the school-yard in Yr 7, building up to a daytime cinema trip in Yr 9- I think that sounds fairly reassuring.

[littleanne73]

Thanks for these words of wisdom all. I did chat to her tonight about the boy (who I don't know) and said that I wanted to know where, when etc. She said does that mean I can go and I said you come to me with the facts and I will decide, of course I have (with the help of hubbie and you guys) decided she can but the agreement was homework was up to date all week and she came to us with all the facts so she will have to wait for her answer.

Interesting talk about sex ed in schools, a young girl was in the Evening Standard today campaigning to improve it, she was only 18 and I thought what a great idea! The nurse was absent the day our Daughter should have had it, not had it yet!

Thankfully we are very open and honest. I have told her not to expect music and doves her first time and we have talked about waiting until she meets someone she cares about.

As Anyf*er said, this is very scary!

[Sloobreeus]

My DD had her first boyfriend at 15. He was lazy and not particularly suited to her but I kept my nerve and didn't vent about it. It lasted 16 months. He had cheated on her, too. She now has the most fantastic boyfriend. I think you DD will be fine. There's no arbitrary age, depends on the individual.

[littleanne73]

Thanks Sloobreeus, trying to keep my cool and was very funny last night when she was hopping from one foot to another to find her mobile (Dad took it away at homework time!) It's nice to see the opinions of others that there is no right or wrong age, I had always thought of it in terms of age, and having read some of these posts I am seeing things differently!

[littleanne73]

Totally agree, I have always had lots of male friends and encourage her to do the same, infact she likes the company of boys! Generally you know where you are with the opposite sex in terms of friendship.

[JinxAndFluff]

Do you know, there was a bit in last Saturday's Times Weekend section in Suzi Godson's problem column where the parent found condoms in her 14 yo DD's room etc etc (I may find a link, never tried before!)... I thought the advice she gave was really good.

I only got to it in bed last night (I read slowly...) and DD came in and saw it lying on the bed and asked if she could borrow the paper, and she took it to bed with her. I'm thinking I'm going to 'casually' use it for a wee chat tonight (she is 14 nxt March).

I really think, that's the key, finding the casual way in....

[JinxAndFluff]

They're not going to see 'Breaking Dawn' are they??? Not sure the marriage, first sex, pregnancy, baby rubbish would be ideal..... Better tell her not only is there no music or doves but don't believe the movies!

[littleanne73]

Thanks JinxAndFluff I will look for that article! Interesting development last night, I took a look at her text messages and this boy had asked how far she would go with a boy! Alarm bells straight away, Husband went quietly bonkers. I didn't tell her I had looked (and yes I am sure many people will think this is wrong!) I casually asked about what she wanted from him and that I thought she should just concentrate on being mates, I asked her if he said anything that made her feel uncomfortable, she said no.

I tracked back and said has he had anything sexual, she said he asked how far I would go, her answer indicated that she would consider more than mates. I told her to think about herself and what she had to gain from taking a friendship to a relationship on any level! I said I know I am a fossil! but I have been 14 before (I am only 38). I could see it was food for thought and I think my words have even made her think twice about going. I said if he is asking things like that already I am not sure he will respect you as a friend.

I said to her to give it some thought today. She says he is really nice as a friend and kind and funny. I said that I know how exciting it is when you're first asked out, and I told her I remember the first time I was asked out and the warm feeling you get!

Trying to stay calm but freaking out. Tempted to offer an alternative day out to the pictures tomorrow with a massive shopping trip as a bribe!

[littleanne73]

Just tried to access the article but can't!

[JinxAndFluff]

No, I know, I tried to get the article yesterday and couldn't. Will try to retrieve from the murky world of underneath DD's bed and transcribe the best bits of the advice...(We didn't talk about 'it' last night as obviously Glee took priority and I wasn't allowed to speak after she got home from Netball training due to Bones, followed by Glee....Amazing how we can jump from that sort of teenie stuff to STIs and contraception!!)

[difficulttimes]

tbh I think you need to calm down (the nicest possible way)

the back and forth reading the texts, having serious talks worrying on here.

My parents had no idea neither did my mates parents of the inner teenage world.

[CaptainMartinCrieff]

Before even reading your post and only seeing the title I thought 14. But I'd drop her off and pick her up. . And spend the afternoon feeling sad that she's all grown up.