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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

14 yr old DD and older friends - best way to handle and am I being too soft? (rather long)

29 replies

spacedonkey · 29/12/2005 11:30

My dd is 14.5 and a few months ago starting hanging out with a bunch of friends, some of whom are several years older. Initially I was pleased that she had developed a social life, because last year she went through a period of what I can only describe as depression, and her confidence was very low.

(I should add that last year we moved to London (me, dd and ds), but after a few months the children were so unhappy that they asked to move back to live with their dad (we separated 7 years ago). I agreed to this, and although it's been a terrible wrench, they settled back into their old schools well and seemed happier. So now I live in London and they come and stay with me every other weekend and in the school hols.)

Anyway, a few weeks ago dd started "disappearing" with her friends - staying out late, not returning home when she was supposed to - and this escalated rapidly into a situation where for two days running she disappeared from school and xh had no option but to call the police and report her missing.

The police found her, but to our horror she was found with one of her schoolfriends in a grotty flat belonging to an 18 yr old lad (one of the older friends) smoking dope.

The school have been supportive - they know she's a bright kid and could do well, and consider her to have "fallen in with the wrong crowd". They agreed with us that the best thing to do was for me to bring her to London until the new year in order to remove her from the situation, which we did.

Now we're nearing the new year and I'm dreading sending her back in case she starts disappearing again. We've talked about it while she has been here with me, and she is able to sound pretty reasonable. But I am scared that she is just saying what I want to hear and will just pick up where she left off when she goes back. The school have already suspended her after the previous incident, and my fear is that if she carries on they'll exclude her.

I've asked her to come up with a plan that she's willing to stick to (i.e. when she can go out and what time she will be back etc), because I feel there's a better chance she'll stick to that than a plan imposed on her by us. I've also told her that if she does continue to behave as before she will have to come and live with me (something she doesn't want - she has no friends in London).

Am I being too soft? Any ideas from other parents of teenagers?

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spacedonkey · 29/12/2005 23:51

anyone?

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ParrupupumScum · 29/12/2005 23:59

Sounds like a good plan, sd. Is there any way you and ex and dd can sit down togther and discuss the plan? Sounds like he will be instrumental to policing it.

spacedonkey · 30/12/2005 00:03

yes, that's what we're going to do tomorrow, before she goes back

she's very clever at saying the right thing and then going ahead and doing something else entirely - but I suppose it's a risk we'll have to take

thanks for the reply scummy!

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ParrupupumScum · 30/12/2005 00:10

I was like that too. I think the fact that you're aware of that is good though. i don't think my parents ever knew how manipulative I could be sometimes and certainly they didn't realise that I was capab;le of lies of the bare faced variety. I think if you can strike the right balance between trusting her, keeping an eye and making sure there are enforced boundaries things will be fine. Really hope so- as you know mine are still littlish so I'm shooting in the dark a bit but I wanted to wish you loads of luck.

PantomimEDAMe · 30/12/2005 00:11

Sounds like you are doing everything you can, SD. There's a limit to what you can do with teenagers, given they are too damn big to pick up.
If it's any help, even if your dd does go off the rails a bit, it wouldn't mean she'd be stuck there. My dear sister was a nightmare teenager (some years later, my mother had some lads on a probation scheme round doing some work on her garden. To her horror, realised half of them were my sister's old friends...). BUT she's a fantastic adult, not just in herself but in terms of what she puts back into the world.

spacedonkey · 30/12/2005 00:14

thank you both so much for your words of encouragement

I was a nightmare as a teenager myself (but like to think I've turned into a reasonably decent adult!) - in fact dd is truly a chip off the old block

I'll see how it goes with the current plan ...

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PantomimEDAMe · 30/12/2005 00:29

I remember your posts about sending the kids back to live with their father. Thought that was incredibly brave and selfless of you. Not sure I'd manage it!

jollymum · 30/12/2005 08:00

I do spsot checks on nmy son , nearly 16. He goes off for the day,evening and I phone him to check where he is. If he says he's at someone's house and would like to stay, I insist on talking to a parent and "thanking" them for having him. It's amazing how quickly you learn to recognise a teen playing an adults voice! Also, make a plan, write it down with consequences and stick to it. If it's written diown, she can't bamboozle you with excuses etc which makes you feel that maybe you did/didn't say whatever and are cracking up with senility. My teen can make me feel guilty sometimes, even though I know he's wrong, 'cos he argues and gets me so mixed up! Good luck!

tigermoth · 30/12/2005 08:20

no advice, but wishing you the best here. How has your dd felt about being suspended from school? is she very keen to go back, see her friends there? I know you said she chose to return to her old school.

If she's happy at school, can your ex try and get her more involved with school clubs and activites to give her even more reason to like it there. If she is kept extra busy, she'd have less time to see her older friends?

Don't know if this would work. Haven't had a teenager to deal with yet.

blueshoes · 30/12/2005 08:58

space donkey, I don't have experience with a teenager (yet) but hopefully, more mums with teenagers could come along later to shed light.

Personally, I think getting your ex and yourself to send out a consistent message to dd is fantastic. Getting dd to come up with a plan that suits her is also showing her that you trust her. I was an ungovernable teenager (so sure I was right). But deep down, it is a v.scary thing for teenagers to go against their parents - they need their parents, much as they might loathe the restrictions that comes with living under their roofs. Therefore, it is right you give dd the chance to find it in herself to impose restrictions on her own behaviour based on her own plan. I do believe she wants to make you and ex happy - even if she may deny it to herself.

But what if she was just saying things to get you off her back, with no intention of following the plan? Well, she is allowed to make mistakes. You an ex can deal with that then - ie whether to give more chances or whip her away to the streets of London. But I don't think it is a good idea to go hardline from the word go. It is not being soft - it is giving dd a chance to prove to you and herself that she can take responsibility for her own behaviour.

spacedonkey · 31/12/2005 12:35

Thank you all for your advice

I'm glad you think a written plan's a good idea - that's what we're going to do (dd will write it and say what she thinks are appropriate consequences if she doesn't stick to it within reason). It's amazing that when you actually ask a teenager what they think is fair they seem to come up with rules that are more draconian than what you would've come up with yourself!

For instance, when I asked her what she thinks is a reasonable time to be home on Friday or Saturday, she said 8 p.m. - more than reasonable I think!

She does like her school and does well there - she's just been selected to take part in a scheme where older kids help younger ones with literacy for instance. I think she is just trying to push the boundaries, and getting a bit carried away because some of her friends are older and therefore no longer at school or subject to parental restrictions. I agree that whatever teenagers may say, deep down they fear complete freedom and want their parents to lay down some sort of law. At the same time I want her to start taking more responsibility for herself - that's why I want her to formulate the plan, not me.

I'm going to discuss all of this with her dad today, and I've also spoken to ds (who is 12), who gets very angry with dd over her behaviour. I've said to ds that I understand his anger, but it's important that we all give her a chance when she goes back in the new year.

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tigermoth · 01/01/2006 21:23

I am sure you have done everything you can do, for now. You really have covered all the angles. I hope your discussion with your ex went well. Your dd sounds like a lovely girl.

pckawatford · 02/01/2006 18:53

I have caught my 14 year old son wearing thongsgo you thing this is right?

pckawatford · 02/01/2006 19:20

i have caught my 14 year old son wearing thongs do you think this is right?

spacedonkey · 02/01/2006 19:21

I smell a troll ...

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spacedonkey · 04/01/2006 19:43

I'm gutted. DD went back to school today and missed the last lesson. She returned home only 30 minutes late, but because she skipped that lesson she's in real danger of being suspended again or even expelled. So disappointed.

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tigermoth · 04/01/2006 19:54

oh, I wish I could say something to make you feel better. I guess you will be talking to her father as well as her? I assume you think she saw her friends?

It's only the first week of term - hopefully the school will give her a chance to prove herself.

ParrupupumScum · 04/01/2006 19:56

Oh donk. Is she testing the boundaries to see if the new rules kick in, d'you think? Agree with t'moth that the school may be flexible this early on. Hope you and ahe can sort things out.

spacedonkey · 04/01/2006 20:03

thank you scummy and t'moth, you've made me cry with your messages!

i think you're right - she's testing the boundaries of her new plan. I've asked xh to arrange a meeting with the school tomorrow so that she can hear from them what will happen if she carries on like this. I'm very scared about how far she will push this - she seemed so reasonable before she went back.

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HappyNewFrannyandZooey · 04/01/2006 20:12

I'm wondering if something has to change before she changes her behaviour. Why did she go missing? What is she looking for? Freedom? Excitement? To make you worried? Being taken seriously by these 'older' people? To forget her problems by getting stoned?

I am not in any way saying what she is doing is caused by you, but she is choosing to be with these people and disappear from school because it seems like an attractive option - knowing that you don't want her to is not necessarily going to stop her. Is there anything in her life that can change so that she has other outlets for her needs? I realise I am at risk of sounding too soft, but I remember being a wayward teenager and nothing my parents threatened to do would have stopped me. Possibly, channeling my frustrations and passions into something else would have done.

spacedonkey · 04/01/2006 20:16

I think she is primarily looking for the boundaries to be drawn, but of course she is also looking for freedom, excitement and independence, and seems to have found it with this group of friends. If she really doesn't care about school, or about the effect this is having on her family, then there's not an awful lot I can do to stop her. It's very scary, not knowing where she will decide to draw the line.

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HappyNewFrannyandZooey · 04/01/2006 20:26

I am sure she cares, sd, but perhaps not enough to outweigh the attractions of this group of friends. I bet we have all risked doing something we shouldn't because it seemed too good to resist.

I am never sure about this looking for boundaries thing, when it relates to teenagers. I know I was just looking to get away from ALL boundaries and went to ridiculous lengths to do so. Sorry if this is not very helpful.

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Fauve · 04/01/2006 20:33

TBH, if I were in your position I would draw a boundary now, and be very serious about moving her back to London. You then still have, if you want it, the fallback position of giving her 'one last chance' - if she swears she'll change her behaviour - to make living with her dad work; otherwise, if she can't stick to her agreement, she comes back to London, no messing about.

I was a bad teenager too, hence mumsy militancy

spacedonkey · 04/01/2006 21:12

FandZ - I was a nightmare teenager myself, and my theory is that I kept pushing and pushing because my mum wouldn't set any boundaries, so I am convinced that boundaries are important for teenagers, no matter how much they might profess to hate them

Fauve - yes, you're right - that is pretty much what we have said to her

thanks for your advice btw - I do appreciate it

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FrannyandZooey · 04/01/2006 21:16

Well you need to go with your gut feeling here so best of luck with it. I think the fact that you are still communicating with her, and the very fact that you are on here asking for advice rather than washing your hands of her, bodes very well.

Flip

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