how do I deal with this? youngish teen and porn

[basildonbond]

I checked ds1's (he's 14) ipod internet history today and he's been looking at loads of porn sites - I've just showed him the history page and told him I'm taking his ipod off him for now (had to take his phone off him earlier as he was being vile to everyone)

He's gone upstairs muttering about invasion of privacy, which I accept it is .. but I'm not having him use my wifi to download god knows what when he's not mature enough to deal with the things he's been looking at

dh is away ... and I'd really appreciate some tips on how to deal with this sensibly ... my relationship with ds1 is not great at the moment at the best of times which has been getting me down - I feel I've lost my son at the moment and this isn't going to make it any better

[spottypancake]

Teenage boys look at porn, generally. My mum actually purchased a porn mag now and again for my brother. I actually think a fairly "vanilla" mag is preferable to the horrors on the internet.

[spottypancake]

Plus, not only the horrible porn on the internet - lots of porn sites are absolutely riddled with viruses. There is also a lot of conning taking place if porn is paid for on websites.

[WitchesBrewIsMyFriend]

well you can stop him looking at those types of pages. put some censors on the internet.

[AnyPhantomFucker]

he is 14

you can veto his viewing

put filters on everything...your pc, his laptop, his phone, his Ipod

don't "manage" his porn use

censor it

why the fuck wouldn't you ???

[PattySimcox]

I think it is fairly typical for most teens to have a sneaky look at porn, but agree with everything that everyone else has said re viruses and controls.

Have you explained to him why you do not want him looking at porn?

[AnyPhantomFucker]

and ignore accusations of "invasion of privacy"

while he is a minor, you can invade his privacy as much as you like, and I suggest you continue to do so

[PattySimcox]

YY to invading his privacy - although best not to let him know that you will continue to do so as IME it doesn't stop them, just makes them more crafty

[Signet2012]

I think you got to accept porn is something pretty interesting to a 14 year old. You can vet his internet by childproofing it but he will get access elsewhere. I would imagine its a pretty normal part of being 14 to be honest. Would you not be better of using it as a starting point for a conversation around women not just being sex objects and ensuring he has a realistic view that these women are not going to be falling into his bed, and that really a lot of it is fake, rather than worrying how you will stop him seeing it.

[basildonbond]

Wellllll ... Have just had hideously embarrassing conversation with ds ... He was extremely reluctant to engage in any kind of discussion, kept saying "there's nothing more to say". Eventually after me having to follow him round the house I pinned him down in his brother's bedroom where he was cuddling his cat, and had a discussion along the lines signet (and others) suggested.

I also asked him how he would feel about his little sister or one of his friends featuring in that kind of film in a few years time ...

Upshot is he has no internet access for the next couple of days, so no phone/iPod/computer and xbox will be determined by how much of an arse he is for the rest of the day. He also asked me if I could ask school to tackle the subject of porn in assembly.

I know he's extremely interested in the whole subject of sex - he's a 14 year old boy after all, and one who doesn't have a girlfriend yet, although has friends who are girls - but the type of material teens can be exposed to now really has me worried about their attitudes to sex and women in the future :(

[figroll]

Sorry but I think you are fighting a losing battle here. He will look at porn sites no matter what you say, he will just be more careful in future and you won't ever find out again. I think rather than being overly heavy handed you could just explain what porn is - that it is acting and not what happens in real life. I know that it may be a shock when you realise that your children are suddenly interested in things you never thought they would be. I am sure it won't affect his relationships with women in later life as men have been looking at porn for years it's just more accessible now.

Sometimes, rather than confront your kids, it is better to talk about things in general so that you get your message across but don't fall out with them in the process. Talk about porn in general and what it is instead of - I know you are looking at dirty websites - that's just embarassing for him.

[figroll]

Also, letting your children know you have been snooping on their internet histories WILL make them secretive and this is the worst of all things. He won't forget, like I have never forgotten my dad reading my diary at about 13/14. Just my opinion x

[usualsuspect]

I can guarantee he will just delete his internet history from now on

[PumpkinUpTheVolume]

I honestly don't understand how stopping him from using the Internet for a couple of days is going to resolve this.

[ThingsThatGoFlumpInTheNight]

Basildon I am with the others who say you need to censor his access to porn from now on - banning internet access for a couple of days won't achieve much, IMO.

Did you know that the major ISPs (Virgin, BT, Sky, etc) now have a policy where you can opt in or out of your household being able to access porn at all. All you have to do is contact them and they will 'switch it off' for good. Either that or you can download a family filter for your family internet access. I use AVG Family Safety and it's really good - you can monitor everything your DC look at (or try to look at) and set their internet access at a level appropriate for their age.

[jenny60]

FFS, it is perfectly ok to try to stop children looking at porn. Whether it's allegedly normal or mainstream these days or not, I'd be telling him I don't like it in my house (if you don't, obviously). Of course you should be as open as you can about sex and tell him it's perfectly ok to think about it, talk about it, do it when he's old/mature enough etc... but you are the adult and you make some rules. He can make his own in his own house.

I'm no prude, but there are two issues here:

he is a minor
your views on porn trump his as it's your hosue and you're the adult.

In my house, we don't allow smoking, we don't allow racism, we don't allow balls inside and we sure as hell don't allow porn. The grown ups made those decisions.

[basildonbond]

bit late to say I shouldn't let him know I know ...

I don't think I have been heavy-handed, I've banned internet access for a couple of days while I work out what to do about censoring sites but also to give him time to think about the whole issue. There's no way we would have had any kind of conversation about it at all if I hadn't told him I knew

this was actually the first time I'd ever looked at the history on his ipod (probably being very naive) - it is a horrible balancing act between letting them have some privacy but keeping them safe/healthy and I think I've probably been much too trusting up to now

arrgh I hate the fact dh is away so much so I have to deal with this kind of shit on my own ...

[PlentyOfPubeGardens]

You definitely need to be filtering his internet access. I wouldn't go for the ISP level filters though - they're not configurable enough and you'd have to live with the same setting for the whole household. Something like K9 is a much better option IMO.

Whatever you choose, it won't be perfect - stuff will still get through, it won't stop anything emailed from friends or accessed at friends' houses etc. and it wouldn't take much for him to find a way round the filters so the other thing you need to do is continue talking and educating him, however cringy it is for both of you. I like the 'what if it was your sister?' approach.

[loopsylou]

FHS Teenage boys watch porn! It's totally natural and you shouldn't have embarrassed him by telling him what you'd found out. He's right, it IS an invasion of privacy. I agree about the virus's though, and also that you should explain to him now that he knows you know, about how porn doesn't show sex accurately, it's different in real life It'll be cringey but you ef should make it clear. And DON'T punish him, he's only curous.

[VivaLaSativa]

How is porn perfectly natural? What a load of bollocks. I will agree that teenagers are curious about this sort of thing but you do need to restrict his access to this kind of content. It wont do his attitudes to the opposite sex any favours, or help any future relationships.

You have obviously had a word with him about it already, how about showing him some info on what really goes on in that industry, Ie exploitation, rape, coercion?? Show him exactly what really goes on and then maybe he'll see the light and not taint his sexuality with this shite

[aliceliddell]

Agree it's natural to be interested in sex, but that's not the same as porn. How about things like the C4 sex ed things? That looked ok; maybe you'd find more material via that?

[AnyPhantomFucker]

loopsy, do you just hand over a completely unfiltered laptop to your kids from the age they can use one then ?

complete with "favourite sites" and key phrases to google ?

bloody hell...I wonder if your kids friends parents are aware you have such a laissez-faire attitude to the damage that porn does to developing sexuality

all pile round to loopy's gaff...she lets us all watch as much porn as we like...woo-hoooo, 'cos it's natural innit

[AnyPhantomFucker]

I do find it really concerning twisted the way that many people seem to use the words "sex" and "porn" interchangeably

[aliceliddell]

yy APH, totally different things

[Matronalia]

He might be interested in this recently published research on the effects of pornography- also reported here and here. Last one is a daily mail link, sorry!