Am I the only mum who dislikes her 17 yr old DS?

[Jaynie1]

My bright, clever boy has turned into someone that I don?t recognise and barely like.
He has been disinterested in his education for a while, didn?t try at GCSEs or ASs (but still did reasonably well), and is now saying he doesn?t want to go to University next year. That?s ok with us, if that is what he wants ? but he has no plan of what he wants to do instead, and no plan or interest in doing anything about this. The lack of careers support at college makes this situation worse.
On top of this he is often rude, and tries to pick arguments and wind me/DH up at every opportunity; often taking very extreme stances and gets quite aggressive in his language when we try to discuss/respond back. Help!

[CopingWellConsidering]

I'm having a similar situation with my 16 year old son so maybe I'm not the best person to give advice! My son isn't very likeable at the moment and he certainly doesn't seem to like me or DH!

But I do try to remember that deep down he still loves us and needs us. He maybe doesn't know it himself and he certainly can't/won't show it.

I do believe that these difficult patches will pass and that we need to hang in there and keep some sort of relationship going until they are older and wiser.

[Jaynie1]

Thanks - I try to remember that too and in my more rational moments I can - but there are so many times when it seems so bleak, and everyone else appears to have such perfect kids! I start to worry what we did wrong....

[3littlefrogs]

Mine both went through this stage.

They are in their 20s now and are lovely.

You have to be very firm and consistant though. Not wanting to go to university is ok, but you must make it clear that you will NOT be paying for his phone, food, doing his washing, funding his lifestyle, so he had better think about how he is going to support himself when he leaves fulltime education.

Don't get into arguments. If he is rude, just say you don't want to have a conversation.

If the college don't offer careers support, he will have to do some research himself. What is he good at? Does he have any hobbies?

DS1 has left university and is back home. I am happy to have him, because he continues to study, does loads of DIY, shopping, cleaning, helping to care for the grandparents, and pulls his weight. He is working hard towards a career that will make him a living in a year or two. He is grateful for our support.

At 17 he was extremely difficult to live with!

Ds2 is at university and doing well. He too was challenging at 17.

It will get better.

[gingeroots]

Here's a cliche - " they need your love most when they're most unloveable "

[mycatsaysach]

mines exactly the same op

[purpleknittingmum]

gingeroots that is a very good statement, I will try and remember it and do it!!

My 14 year old is extremely moody and stroppy for about a year now, tearing my hair out with her, nothing seems to work! Had a lovely text from her the other day! Calling me names and telling me to 'grow a pair!'

I hope things improve for you Jaynie1

[javo]

My DD was like this last year. However, we just tried to remain calm and not be drawn into arguments - also we told her basically what 3frogs said about contributing at home. We persuaded her to apply to uni "just in case, no harm in applying ..." - she still said she wasn't sure if she was going to go in August.

She started last week as she had nothing else organised and has just had the best week of her life! and all SEptember she was the old lovely DD we used to know - even her younger sisters commented on it (as she had been off with them too)

So take heart - it does end. I think all the horrid module exams and grind at school/college can wear many kids down - life can see really bleak.

[iamdisappointedinyou]

Can I join the quiche?

I am really fed up with DS. He has every advantage in life but is taking it all for granted. He is coasting and getting OK results but could do much better. He seems to have no joy or interest in his education despite having his pick of school and subjects. I don't know why he is there if he is so switched off.
There is no way that am I going to encourage him to go to university. I am cringing at the thought of him writing a personal statement about how "passionate" he is about his subject.


If it is any consolation, I have had the identical conversation with three different mothers in the past week!

[superdragonmama]

Hi jaynie, so much sympathy for you as I've been going through much the same with 18yr dd - thankfully she's gone away to uni this year because - and I can't believe I'm saying this! - I don't think I could have taken much more from her this summer!

Also have 12 yr ds who is starting to become 'challenging' but not in a good way; maybe now that his sister has gone he'll calm down a bit!

But also have older 22yr ds who is lovely now; he was truly awful aged 16 to 18. Completely transformed into a fabulous, kind hearted, hard working young man now.

Maybe our kids outgrow us and are showing us, all to vividly, that they need to leave?

Totally agree with 3 little frogs: keep those boundaries in place! Every time my kids behave badly, whatever age they are, I force myself to revert to treating them a bit like toddlers, that is, very strict boundaries set by me that I won't break. Of course, the boundaries change when they're older! - don't mean the same boundaries for a 17 yr old as a toddler, but the principle is the same.

Must say, I'm finding it all very exhausting, and very boring, though.

And they were such sweet little kids, I miss those days

[superdragonmama]

*too vividly

[mycatsaysach]

oh i know what you mean superdragon - we had such a lovely time when they were growing up.
you never think its going to be like this.glad to hear your ds turned around though.

[Jaynie1]

It's good to hear I'm not alone - and thanks superdragon - and I'm so glad your older ds is now back to being a normal human being - so there is hope .
There should be a health warning for people planning families - everyone talks about how hard toddlers are - but htey haven't seen anything until they have a teenager to deal with - and it is so draining - we are walking on eggshells all of the time.

[Monty27]

Another one here for the quiche.

DS almost 16 and I can hardly stand to be in the same room as him at the minute as he is challenging everything I say or do and certainly doesn't do anything he's asked.

Gingeroots - that's a great cliche there, [ " they need your love most when they're most unloveable "]

I'll try and remember it in my most needy hours

[longlashes]

Me too I also feel like I am walking on eggshells all of the time. My ds1 17 dropped out of sixth form and is now doing a course at a different college. He started off ok but has already had warnings for being late. Now hes fed up with this course, says he wants to work but wont do a crap job as he puts it. He reckons he is a failure so he might as well drop out and sign on. He seems depressed, has an attitude, is moody and aggressive. I thought he would be my easy child and deep down I really love him, but my god he is making our lives a misery. I too feel like I am at my wits end. I dread him coming home. Its sounds awful but it is like there is a black could over the house when his is here.. My mate said once her son got to 22 he was human again. That sounds like forever and ds2 is only a year behind! I just don't know how to help my ds he was such a lovely little boy.

[daiseyfleur]

This thread is encouraging for me as I am step mum to 2 teenage boys who at the moment I do not like, during the last year they have both turned into lazy, insolent, lying, stealing, could not give a toss, irritating, unhygienic pains in the arse. All we seem too do is shout. We have tried talking nicely, giving pocket money for jobs done, taking it away, grounding, removal of privileges and so on. Nothing seems to make a difference, they simply don't care.

But me and my partner are united we are standing our ground and living in hope!

I feel much better knowing that even natural mothers don't like their children at times! :)

[Pippa5l]

I thought I was on my own with my DD being totally disengaged with me and the house. She seems to look through me whenever I say anything, and that s if shes not rolling her eyeballs and dismissing me at every turn. Shes doing the IB at a great school but just doesnt care. Whether she will get to uni is in the lap of the gods, I have no confidence left. She is so rude to me and seems to hate me so much I dread going home most nights. Weve had so many tears and arguements over this secret boyfriend (another thread) that I am drained and so is she. Up until 2am last night discussing the controlling aspect of her boyf.
Reading this thread through has made me smile about her for the first time in ages, maybe she will come through it ok. Doesnt help that her best friend who really doesnt get on with her mother, is living with us until the exams are over.
The bigger picture ofcourse is that these kids are good kids essentially and hopefully they will come through it ok, it just doesnt feel like it right now.

[shabe]

im having this trouble, my daughter is a nightmare, i feel bad but i love it when shes out otherwise your treading on eggshells. shes so abusive, shes nearly 17 and its been going on since she was about 12. i feel bad though because i can give it her back, i try to keep calm but i have threatened to throw her out now because i cant live with it any longer, which i know you shouldnt do. its just really hard, my husband isnt her dad and he is really fed up with it but tries to keep out of it because it makes her worse (the, your not my dad thing) her dad is great but nothing is working, its making her sister, who is the opposite to her, depressed. i have told her that we have to go to the drs this week to see if anything to do with sugar levels or if the pill will help her hormones, i have told her that if she refuses to come then theres nothing else we can do apart from her moving somewhere else because of the effect its having on everyone else. she has agreed so far. she has got no choice though i need to put my foot down.

[mumblechum1]

OP, do you think your ds may be interested in an Army career?

My ds is also 17 and a bit of a coaster, but he does want to get a degree as he wants to go in the Army as an officer, but if not the Army, he does realise that a degree will hold him in good stead for plan b (going to the States to joint either the Army there or the police).

Whether he'll get on the course he wants (Nottingham to read Politics and International Studies) is questionable the way he's going at the moment . He's been to a party every weekend since July.

[Jaynie1]

Part of the problem with DS is that he doesn't really have a long term view of a career - but I am pretty sure that the army (or equiv) is not something that he would be interested in. He too is always out at parties, and also playing poker - which worries me hugely although he insists it is not a problem and goes into a rage if we press this

[FellatioNelson]

I'm joining this quiche. I am so exhausted with it all I can't even be bothered to type my gripes, but suffice to say you would all completely understand and empathise, based on what's written here. It's so nice to know it's not me and that I am not just a crap mother!

I could have written so many of the comments and scenarios in this thread.

[froggies]

Add my DS to the list! he is 15, grumpy, rude, lazy ,aggressive, unhygienic too. Although I console myself that I have occasional glimmers of the sweet boy I once knew -generally when he wants something. Really hope the light side will win!
Also... I was MUCH worse as a teen.... At least I can be fairly certain that he isn't smoking, drinking, taking drugs, shagging or stealing (except from his wee Sister's sweetie stashes) well, at least not at the moment..... Rural living has it's advantages. The down side is he is at home a lot.

[Orcan]

I just registered specifically to post in this topic. I'm not even sure how I got here to be honest, but I was bored and was quite interested.

Your son sounds like me. I am 24 now, but at A-Levels I was disinterested, he sounds like a typical underachiever - like me. Even before that, I got 2 A's in GCSE and the rest Bs... Just coasting.

At A-Levels, I got BBC (compared to my younger brother who later got AAB and A*/A in GCSE), wasn't disappointed, didn't really care to be honest. I'd applied for a course in University just to make my parents happy - but had a gap year doing pretty much nothing.

All gap year my parents were on my back, cut me off financially, but still paid for food and gave me board. I eventually got a job in a bar and worked enough money to see mates and so forth. Come the new year, I was reluctant to go ahead to university - Keele University (the underachiever's uni...) to read Law and History (my dad is a solicitor and I enjoyed history at A-Level - pretty much the only thing I enjoyed in High School).

Long story short, I got my LL.B (2.1), went on to do a Masters in Law (LLM) with Merit, got my dissertation published, and am now working for a popular budget supermarket chain in their head office, on a starting salary of more than £30,000.

How did this happen you might ask? Well, essentially, I wanted to keep my free room and board. So I got a job. I also gave into their cajoling to apply for university. Once there, I thrived in the 'halfway house' of university - the period where you aren't totally moved out, but aren't living at home. My academic and social life picked up and I am now a successful professional.

Bottom line is, parents, be persistent. Don't worry if your son/daughter storms out the room looking angry - keep pushing them. Maybe, once a week bring it up, but push it until you see them getting a little annoyed - but don't force them away. It is a fine line between persistence and aggression.

As I said, I don't know if this will be relevant, but it seems this site needs posts from the other side of the fence, as it were, to put things into perspective.

[Tortington]

dear op - no you are not

if someone finds a cure for utter contempt (mine) let me know

[Downnotout]

I wish I had read this thread before.

Another one to join the quiche.

I am at the end of my tether.

[noddyholder]

I was here about 4 months ago! My ds is 17 and was a bugger for a year a complete nightmare but he turned a corner when we really lost it with him and has really changed in the last few months. He was ranting and raving and generally going OTT and dp slapped him! He has never been smacked and it was a shock. He said be careful or I will leave home so we said Ok off you go and opened the door. It was the hardest thing I have ever done but he went to his mates for 2 days and came back and we all talked and haven't looked back.