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for those of you who have boys who play in a local football team.

(21 Posts)
theredhen Mon 03-Oct-11 13:56:58

Aibu?

Dss plays in a local football team. He is 12 years old. We had planned to take all kids to a theme park half term a weekend. Turns out that dsd will be away on a school trip so we are trying to arrange another time. Dp refuses point blank to go on a day dss is playing football although its ok for dsds to miss their sports and clubs apparently. {hmm)

So now dp is saying he will take the kids in half term while I am at work so dss doesn't miss football

Is it really the end of the world if he doesn't play one day in a year? There are plenty of other boys in the team.

CauldronsTrulyReign Mon 03-Oct-11 14:10:24

<<wonders if those with girls can answer>>

JohnniesBitch Mon 03-Oct-11 14:51:30

It would seem it is the end of the world if they miss a match! but then xh is manager/coach so he would say that.

theredhen Mon 03-Oct-11 19:09:07

I just don't get it. It's a game. The team won't fold without DSS for one day and for once it would be nice if the girls didn't have to fit around bloody football and get what they want for a change!

tessofthedurbeville Mon 03-Oct-11 22:02:33

Very, very, very, little can come before football - a golden wedding can just about do it, a sibling christening - but really all events should be planned around football apparently! It is about playing for the team - and even if there are others its also about risking losing your starting place in the team and being made sub because you weren't there. As the mother of girls as well I have tried very hard to make their sports and competitions just as important. On the positive football maintains contact between boys and their fathers when other communication falls apart - so is worth pursuing!

Maryz Tue 04-Oct-11 07:55:37

Suppose, just suppose, you took dss away for the day of a vital match and the team lost hmm. Or even worse, they won by miles and thus he was dropped for the rest of the year, how would he feel. How would you feel?

There are very few things more important to 12 year olds than their teams, and you should be encouraging this, because if he stays playing with a bit of luck he will still be into sports at 16/17 instead of hanging around on street corners smoking and drinking.

To be fair, if your girls were serious team-sports players, they would feel the same. It isn't a boy/girl thing, it's a sporty/non-sporty thing.

theredhen Tue 04-Oct-11 13:13:45

Mary, if the team lost, it wouldn't be the first or the last time and I don't see it makes any difference if DSS isn't there. DSS attends more matches than any other player in his team. I am all for encouraging sport and team work but surely this can't be at the extent of EVERYTHING else including family time. Bear in mind that DP would never allow DSS to get on a mini bus or get a lift with another family meaning that his girls miss out on 2 - 7 hours each week with their Dad.

Maryz Tue 04-Oct-11 14:22:29

Well that's unfair that he can't go with someone else. But as long as your dp spends time with the girls as well it isn't "taking time from them", really, no matter how much it may seem like it.

I have to say that my boys play(ed) rugby. And no matter how cross I get at having to live our lives around it, I bear in mind always that ds1 only went off the rails at 14 when he stopped playing. I think had he been playing a sport as a teenager it would really have helped him a lot.

So I kind of understand your point of view, but I have been in sporting families all my life (my dad, my brothers, myself for a bit, dh, now all my children), so I understand your dp's and your dss's point of view.

None of my kids would miss a match every, apart from kicking and screaming. My brother played a match on my wedding day (we had to change the date because of a competition of dh's). I think if you haven't lived all your life as I have it is hard to understand.

cat64 Tue 04-Oct-11 14:34:46

Message withdrawn

theredhen Tue 04-Oct-11 15:58:39

Yes, apologies. As DSS is obviously a boy and we have no girls teams at all around here (did have one but it folded years ago) I just didn't think about girls playing football. I wasn't trying to be sexist, just didn't think. blush.

The more replies the better as far as I am concerned.

cat64 Tue 04-Oct-11 16:13:11

Message withdrawn

Ragwort Tue 04-Oct-11 16:20:32

Agree with cat64 - if you are involved in a team you should show commitment - obviously as in the example of a grandma's 100th birthday certain events can't be avoided but I wouldn't think much of someone who went to a theme park rather than play in their team. I am with Maryz in that I am delighted my DS is involved in sport and will do everything possible to support him (which means driving huge distances to away games and standing and watching in the wind and rain grin) as I do think young people need structure and orgnaised activity, which team sports can provide.

My DH is a coach as well and it is very frustrating when people don't show commitment to the rest of the team and the coaches.

seeker Tue 04-Oct-11 16:26:56

Why is it your dp's call? What does dss want to do? I am very wary of football dads!

theredhen Tue 04-Oct-11 18:24:17

I think I just don't "get it". I like to keep fit but have never been particularly interested in team sports myself or brought up with anyone who was. I think it's great DSS plays football and enjoys it but I don't understand why everyone else has to fit round it every single free day we have.

Seeker - DSS would happily give up a day to come out with us. Means we never ever get to go out for the day as a family if he doesn't miss football unless I take a days unpaid holiday. We can't go when the football season is finished as DP works 7 days per week then.

seeker Tue 04-Oct-11 21:20:23

My ds plays for our local town juniors.training on Wednesdays, training or mtch on Saturday, match on Sunday. They are expected to turn up to training unless there is a really good reason, and to matches ditto. But a child who had a good record of attendance- particularly at training wouldn't be penalised in selection for missing a mt h for fMily event, so long as the coach knew aoutmitnin reasonable time - there is a pool of players to pick from, and nobodyncan be expected to be able play every single time.

I would be concerned if it wasyou dp who didn't want him to miss- he's 12, and old enough to discuss it with his coach himself. None of his dad's business, really. But as I said, I have bcome wary of football dads. They are the worst "activity parents" I have come across, I think. Oh, except perhaps for "gym mums"

theredhen Wed 05-Oct-11 08:45:04

Seeker - Yes, I often think DP is more interested in DSS football than DSS. I see a lot of pushy dads at football and I don't like it or understand it.

It's great that the boys are part of a team, keeping fit and putting their energies into something positive, but Dad's who shout (and swear!) by the side of the pitch aren't helpful, I think. I see a lot of "bullied" boys at football.

DP isn't that sort but he does go on and on about it and wouldn't dream of not going and getting DSS a lift so he could spend that time with his girls who he says he misses when they are not with him. confused

seeker Wed 05-Oct-11 10:02:00

Mind you, I do think that if you're committed to a team you should turn out- if my son started to often want to do other things rather than train/play I would suggest he give up. But at the moment, practically NOTHING is more important than football- except possibly a very good party- so I don't have that problem.

I won't,, by the way, let him miss a friend's party for football- a whole class party yes, but not a particular friend's.

wearymotherof6 Wed 05-Oct-11 11:46:47

i have 5ds ad football training is mon, wed, fri - games on sat and sun! It is unbelievably difficult arranging any family event around the various age range matches and trainings - in my house football unfortunately reigns supreme! Dd loathes it but her brother pointed out she'l be popular with the boys later on as she knows all the ins ad outs of the game!

theredhen Wed 05-Oct-11 13:37:51

weary - 5 boys! I feel exhausted already! grin

lljkk Fri 07-Oct-11 09:44:55

Don't they have to play A LOT of matches each year as well as training? That's what gets me, the commitment can be much much more than for any other activity. DS is 7 and goes to 2 football-oriented after school clubs, plus evening training on Mondays but only in the holidays. I am so glad he didn't get chosen to play Saturday matches.

Some of the other boys in his evening group do the after school clubs, AND Monday eve trainings year-round and matches (friendly or league) almost every Saturday between September and February. Next year (under 9s) they will have league matches for 8 or 9 months worth of Saturdays. It's too much commitment at this age, I think. I don't object to elite training being that kind of time commitment, but seven year olds in a local fun side? hmm Sorry, but I refuse to believe that most boys need to do that level of training in order to play football competently and happily in the long run.

10yo DD does loads of activities, including gymnastics, but even they have around 10 Saturdays off per year.

theredhen Fri 07-Oct-11 16:01:34

Dss will have a match every week as well as training until next June or July. That's why I don't see it's such a terrible thing to put a family day before football just once.

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