at wits end with DH and DD(23 Posts)
DD is 16 unreasonable and v selfish. has managed to destroy 1 laptop by spilling liquid on it and now 2 keys are missing on replacement. won't tidy room, try to get part time job, has dropped phone and now it is playing up. Denys anything is ever her fault.
Not great but all part of being a teenager?
DH is at wits end and despite being most untidy person ever shouts and screams at her and swears at her. he has had major depression in past and this means he cannot ever let anything drop or focus on the big things
she got A's A*s at gcse, helps out with local brownie pack, is engaged and motivated about her a level choices (even if not reallly doing enough at this early stage)
it has got to point where dh says he will thow her out or leave
help! atmosphere is toxic. DS 14 goes to room.
DH won't talk to anyone or get counselling which I could get through a confidential advice service from work.
any advice welcome as i just don't know what to do as they both need help and support but I feel I am failing everyone.
Your DD's behaviour does not sound extreme. It does sound fairly typical. Pick up on every example of her self-centred behaviour. Charge her for lost keys and broken laptop etc (my DD is currently paying off for breaking hers).
Trying to get a job is a good thing.
Tidying her room? Does she have friends round? Show her what her room looks like to stranger's eyes (photograph helps). This does get better BTW.
I'm afraid that it is your DH who is being unreasonable. He is the grown up, there is no excuse for him shouting, screaming and swearing at his daughter. Quite simply, no excuse.
Is your DH getting help for his illness?
I agree with others: it's dh who has the problem. Does he shout and swear at you and ds if you are untidy/ break things?
Do you shout and swear at him for his untidiness? If not, I would point this out.
Your DD sounds like a very normal 16 year old to me. Your DH needs to step back and pick his battles. Also focus on the good things she had done very well in her GCSE's and it's good that age is volunteering. Does she have an allowance? If she does get her to pay you so much a week/month out of it so that she pays for the broken laptop keys. Encourage her to look for a part time job although they are not easy to get. We paid our 16 year olds an allowance as long as they were trying to look for a job. Will she let you come round shops with her to hand out her CV. I don't mean actually go into the shop with her but I found it gave one of our DDs a bit more confidence if she knew I was waiting outside the shoo. As for the untidy bedroom I would just shut the door and leave it completely up to her.
thanks for all thoughts - will try the extra support for job hunting mumeeee - hard to tell sometimes if some of the root cause is a bit of insecurity...
I'd agree the problem is you DH not your DD..she sounds an utterly typical teenager re breakages and untidiness, and a better than average one for her school and Brownies commitments! Part time jobs are VERY hard to come by at the moment..so as long as she is trying, that's all anyone can hope for.
My DD's have gone through a few phones and two laptops..never deliberately but with accidents (and sheer stupidity!)..no point getting nasty about it, these things happen (I flushed my own iphone down the loo )
Your DH needs to back off, while he still has a reasonably compliant daughter. There is NO way he can justify screaming and swearing at her, for being what she is..16 DD needs your support and he needs to know that he is out of line and that you support her. If his depression is an issue..fair enough, but he needs to go back for help. If it isn't (and it sounds more like he has control issues) he needs a verbal kick up the arse.. and reminding that he isn't god!
If he were doing this to anyone else.. work colleagues, his mother.. how do you think other people would react? I think your responsibility is to your DD NOT your DH... he is the grownup..
Agree with everyone else that DH is the problem. DD is doing well at school and this is the mist important thing at the moment. She needs support through the sixth form. Ok she could be more careful with her stuff but accidents happen.
Pick your battles and don't sweat the small stuff.
In two years tine when she has done her A levels and is off to Uni DH will be proud. Then all this won't matter.
I agree that DH is the problem and he needs outside help. If he won't get it and he says that he will throw her out or he will leave then you have to let him leave.
if your dh is upset about the state of your dd's room - then he needs to get in the room and tidy it up, simple as that - he needs to give her two days warning that he will go in and tidy up in his way and then it is her choice whether she tidies the room or leaves it to him. it works as if she doesn't want him in her room then she will tidy it and if she isn't bothered then he has to tidy the room...
Is the lap top your dh's? If not then the liquid and broken keys are your dd's problem - don't replace the laptop she needs to do that and breath.
Ivey it is not simple just going in and tidying a teenage DC's room. Most teenagers have untidy rooms but do not want a parent in there . If the OP's DH goes in a tidied it will just cause mort arguments and tension. Our stance on our teenagers bedrooms is that it's their room and their responsibility. We just leave then to it and shut the door.
Your dd sounds fine and not unlike my 2 girls. Your poor DH does need to calm down and sounds like he needs help.l
My DH can be like that at times and is mostly indifferent and I get the grief but then he goes to the other extreme and is extremely childish towards my ED and is really negative about her which worries me.
I think the chose your battles strategy is important. I just let their rooms be messy. I am past caring. The rest of my house is reasonable.
Your H needs to read the BIBLE for teeenagers 'Get out of my life but first take me and alex into town' (Amazon)
And he needs to get some perspective. he risks alienating her for the rest of his life with his control freakery.
mumeee Most (finding a teen with a tidy room is like stumbling over rocking horse manure ) teenagers have untidy rooms but do not want a parent in there - yes exactly that is what this principle works on. I have yet to have had it fail as a teen really doesn't want the parent in the room they tidy up themselves
Its your DH whose behaviour is unreasonable.
Your DD sounds like a completely normal - actually pretty hard working and community minded - teenage girl. The mess and rejection of your authority goes with the territory.
She sounds like she functions better out of the home than within in it, this could be because she feels able to push the boundaries at home in a way she couldn't outside (ie. feels secure at home) or more likely given what you've written is reacting badly to the aggression from your husband.
Can see how torn you are and how difficult it must be to hold the peace, but your job is to shield your daughter from what sounds like verbal abuse from her father. She's at a sensitive and formative time, and although you might find her challenging she really needs your support at this important time in her life.
It does sound like your DH has lost all perspective, and perhaps you need to take a tougher line and be less accepting of your husbands behaviour to make him realise that he is jeopardising his relationship with your daughter (possibly permanently) and really needs to be the adult, as however close to it she may be, she is not yet.
"DH is at wits end and despite being most untidy person ever shouts and screams at her and swears at her. he has had major depression in past and this means he cannot ever let anything drop or focus on the big things"
Sorry if I'm being thick or unsympathetic, but why does having had depression in the past mean he cannot ever let anything drop? Depression is talked about in a lot of threads, I don't think I've seen this brought up before?
I think what I'm asking is - is he using his past depression as an excuse for his extremely bad behaviour in the present?
Can you sit down with him when there isn't a current battle, and explain that his approach to his daughter can only ever be counter-productive and he needs to change?
Ivy it doesn't work with my 19 year old. I have threatened to go in her room but she just doesn't seem to get what tidy is . But she does have Dyspraxia and another learning difficulty. So although I've said I leave my children to it I will have to try and help her sort her room out. We told get the other day it was a health hazard and an environmental officer would condemn it if they saw it. We were having a conversation about some health stuff at the time. She thought that wad quite funny but I don't think it will make a difference.
WRT to the teenager, anything she breaks she either goes without or arranges a repair / relacement. Should she lose her housekeys, and is going out I'd be saying "im off to bed at X time and will be locking the door then. Get yourself a new key cut or be in by the time I lock up". Insist she brings dirty laundry, dirty crockery and empties the bin out of her room. For everything else, close the door. Set a couple of easy to stick to rules and ignore what you can.
WRT to DH, he needs a stern talking to about how he speaks to DD. If you chose to implement any of my suggestions above, explain it to him and ask for his support. He's allowed to get cross if she does not comply with the above, but nothing else. And no swearing at her.
dh has also got to this point.
i had to tell him that my children come before him, and that the only person leaving...would be him.
i expect dh to love the children above me too. but i think he forgot the pecking order.
I don't love my children more than my DH. But if he was in the wrong and the one causing the problems then I would support my children.
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