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I am sick of the daily arguments with DS1

(10 Posts)
Saltire Thu 22-Sep-11 17:48:43

Everything I ask of him is a battle, he answers back and argues over and over and over.
If I ask him to dry dishes/put them away he won't do it, jsut says he doesn't want.
Clean your tetth - "I don't want to"
Wash yourself in theshower - "I don't want to"
Do you homework - "I don't want to"
"Why are these ironed clothes on the floor, please put them away - "I don't want to"

asked him to clean his teeth this morning. he said he had. I said no you haven't, I have been in the same room as you since you got up. he huffed and moaned and argued. (He is supposed to be getting a brace but the dentist has put off fitting it as DS won't clean his teeth properly)
He came in from school moaning at Ds2, calling him a wanker, hmm, dickhead etc etc. That was another argument

Then they went out to play football. Where we live ther is a football pitch especially for the children to play on, but oh no, DS1, Ds2 and 2 of their friends repeatedly play outside ont ehs treet, hitting the cars, windows etc. DH has a zero tolerance policy with this and brings them and sends them to bed immediately he catches them doing it. of course, DH is in bed with a migraine, and all he could hear was DS1 gobbing off at me, answering back, saying no over and over.
I have the "how to talk so children will lsiten book" and it's not making a lbind bit of difference!

talkingnonsense Thu 22-Sep-11 17:53:17

How old is he? Is it hormones?
Could you agree certain things he has to do- like clean his teeth, in return for certain things you do- like cook his dinner?

saggarmakersbottomknocker Thu 22-Sep-11 17:58:59

How old is he Saltire?

Maybe it's time for a 'pick you battles' approach. Some stuff you have to tackle and some well, don't bother getting into an argument about it. Just make it clear that it's his choice and he faces the consequences. No homework will mean trouble at school. No shower, well you'll stink then and your mates will take the mickey. Clothes not in the washing basket, no clean uniform, you'll have to go in dirty or not in uniform and get into trouble for it.

Bad language I wouldn't tolerate and he'd be grounded or have privileges removed, no pocket money, no phone credit no x-box, whatever floats his boat. Make it clear, stick to it and don't get into a to and fro argument.

Saltire Fri 23-Sep-11 14:31:20

Sorry, got bogged down.
he's 13 and 1/2.

I suppose letting hims tink would be a way of getting him to sort out his lack of washing habits. Don't know what to do about the teeth though he jsut won't clean them and the orthodontist has made it very clear that he will not fit braces if they aren't kept clean!

notjustme Fri 23-Sep-11 21:43:22

Then you tell him if he doesn't want to clean his teeth then he won't have braces and that's his choice. Could it be partly down to fear of the braces? In that he knows if he doesn't clean the teeth, he won't have the brace which he is scared of (pain/looking bad/whatever). I had to have extreme amounts of orthodontics work when I was younger, and i hated every minute of it. When it came to near the end I was given a retainer to wear and I just couldn't bear it - it made me gag, all the time. In the end I rationally told my parents I wasn't gong to wear it, that I would take the responsibility of the fact that my teeth might move back, and would pay them back for the private dental care I'd had (that was their main argument hmm). Luckily, they decided it was my choice (and my teeth haven't moved back).

Maybe sit down with him and ask him if he is worried about having a brace, is he worried he might look ugly with them? Is he worried they are going to hurt? If he doesn't have any reasonable answers to that, then you will have to pin down the law - you can't force him to clean them, so if he won't then he has to face the fact that he won't get treatment. When he is older and he has to pay thousands of pounds to have it done, you can remind him wink

Mamateur Sat 24-Sep-11 13:38:02

We have a 13.5 year old. He came to us last year so although I don't have much experience, I have had a crash course!

You say you've read the how to talk (did you know there's a how to talk to teens version too?) but you describe a situation of constant 'you tell him to - he says no' which is what the book aims to avoid. Maybe he is responding I don't want to on principle, out of stubbornness, because it makes you go away. Could you perhaps make it more of a conversation rather than a list of commands?

We had the refusing to brush teeth thing. I removed all chocolate/sugar and only had fruit for pudding until he was brushing them twice a day. Ditto getting up - if he's up and having breakfast by 8am, he gets chocolate weetabix, after 8 is ordinary cereals. The nice thing about these methods is you don't have to say anything because you have clearly stated in advance what will happen and they always have tomorrow to get their treat back.

Can you divide his pocket money into weeks and pay it on condition he has kept his room to a certain standard and helped with the dishes?

For us, simple sanctions have worked. When a problem comes up instead of storming in I think it over for a while and post on here lots. I think about all the possible ways a sanction could go wrong to avoid having to back down. Then I don't shout, I explain the new regime and give him a chance to tell me what he thinks. A couple of times he has begged to be given one more chance without the sanction to show he can do it, so I've let him and it's worked.

Do you think you're treating him a little young for his age? I'm amazed your husband sends him to bed shock.

Mamateur Sat 24-Sep-11 13:49:00

I find if a sanction gets negotiated it always goes wrong, teens are very wily! Last year we flailed around trying to get him to behave at school, taking away his computer time for unspecified periods till we thought he had got the idea. Cue tears and then very good behaviour until the computer was restored then immediately back to the messing around.

This year we have a blanket non-negotiable 48 hour powercut (tv and computer) every time he is sent out of class which we follow through however beautifully he behaves in the meantime.

If he is rude to me, I give him a very cold look and say 'how incredibly rude' and walk off. I learned it from a poster on here and it has worked a treat, particularly since they usually need something from you shortly afterwards and have to hop around the subject while you continue to look aggrieved and busy elsewhere grin.

notjustme Sat 24-Sep-11 21:53:36

We have a similar 'time limited' system - if DD2 gets in trouble at school, it's a fixed 3 days grounded, if nothing else happens then she goes back to normal, but if anything else goes wrong she moves onto the next level (3 days grounded with no internet, 3 days grounded with no internet and no phone, etc). Needless to say we rarely go past the first stage!

cat64 Sat 24-Sep-11 22:02:50

Message withdrawn

Saltire Mon 26-Sep-11 14:54:03

<goes off to buy the how tot lak to teenager book>
grin
It's got quite bad over the weekend, Dh went overseas for a month on Sunday morning and the house ahs been chaos ever since. I'm already panicking aboutthe 6 month overseas tour he's doing next year!

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