15 year old girl under pressure for sex

[BoastingByStealth]

Hello, I now this probably isn't the place to put this, but I need advice, and I know there are more people on here than anywhere else.

My Dad has asked me to have "a word" with my 15 yo sister. My Dad is 60, mum 59, so are totally out of touch with sis who I will call C for clarity. I am 20 years her senior.

C is a lovely girl, very young for her age, an eccentric, quirky character and we all love her to bits. She has had trouble forming friendships in secondary school, and is largley ignored by her peers.

6 months ago she began a relationship with a boy at school she had idolised for a year. He dumped her.
She was completely heartbroken, and I so felt for her I even shed a few tears myself.
We have a HUGE family and are all very close, and everyone tried to support and empathise with C but she was unreachable.
All she did all day was mope and mooch and bared her absolute heart on, of all places, FACEBOOK. Things got absolutely ridiculous, she was BEGGING this boy to come back to her, she acted totally without dignity and I and other members of our family implored her to lick her wounds in private rather than letting the world in on her pain, because one day this boy would mean NOTHING to her, she'd feel silly, and people would take the piss relentlessly.

She said okay, thankyou, and continued her ridiculous public campaign to win him back. Now he's back.

The reason my Dad wants me to have a word is that he's found her diary (didn't now it was a diary, thought it was just a notebook...ahem) and in it she has said that the boy told her he'd finished it because he'd "wanted to take things further" so Dad thinks she's perhaps in danger of being pressured into sex.

I think the boy went straight to another girl when he broke up with C, then presumably broke up before giving in to C's shameless emotional blackmail.

The fact that she is more or less friendless at school is important, she has created a bubble around the two of them, he is her everything. I just hope she is his.
My Dad says she has scratched his initials into her arm ("scratch my name on your arm with a fountain pen, this means you really love me" are lyrics in a song by The Smiths, who C loves) Dad went mad at her, she denied it being initials, and said her boy hadn't done the same for her (not that that would make it better, but may indicate a mutual depth of feelings?)

I believe she would do anything to keep him.

He is 16. I hope to god they haven't had sex yet, I'm going to have to ask outright, but could anyone PLEASE give any advice of how to handle this
a) if she hasn't yet slept with him but feels pressure to do so
and
b) if she HAS slept with him. I worry about this mostly as their relationship will be defined by sex and very little else, I fear.

[spiderpig8]

I'm guessing she has slept with him, now he's lost interest and dumped her.

[CailinDana]

How horrible for you. I hate to say it but I think there's very little you can say that will actually get through to her. She has no perspective - she's at an age where everything seems like a massive big deal and she can't conceive of the fact that probably in two years' time she look back and absolutely cringe at how she behaved.

Broach the subject with her, but don't talk. Listen. Ask questions. Let her talk about how she honestly feels. Don't judge, don't give advice. Validate her feelings, let her know you understand, even if you don't. If you let her talk all this through it is possible (though not probably I'm afraid) that she will start to see the light. Take her seriously. If she says he's "the one" ask her about marriage, whether they'll have children, where they might live, not in a confrontational way but in an interested, serious way. If she's forced to look at the situation seriously it might hit home how fucked up it is.

Be there for her when it all goes wrong.

[pippilongsmurfing]

Hmmm, tough one.

I know this is probably not what you want to hear, but if she wants to have sex with him then she is probably going to.

The best you can do is talk to her about how men that pressure women into sexual things do not have the womans best intentions at heart and that she will probably get hurt by him.

If you think she will go ahead and sleep with him you need to get her thinking about safe sex.

I think their relationship sounds one sided and doomed anyway to be honest, all you can do is be there to support her, listen to her and be there for her.

[fanjobanjowanjo]

I agree there's little you can do if she's decided she will, just make sure she knows about safe sex and has access to condoms/the pill/whatever.

[minipie]

Being realistic, you won't stop her from sleeping with him if she wants to. Though it would be a good idea to give her some condoms. Seriously.

I think it's better perhaps not to talk about him directly (as that may just make her defend him) but instead to focus on her, on her self esteem and independence. Tell her you think she is amazing and gorgeous, and that in a year or two she'll be fighting the guys off. I think that's the best you can do TBH. It might give her the confidence to say no to him - or at least not to feel too bad when they do split up.

[RebelFromTheWaistDown]

This girl needs some strong counter pressure to come from those that REALLY care for her to NOT have sex. It is worth reminding her that to do so would be breaking the law. The law is there to protect young girls from this pressure.

I know I'll get flamed for this but to advise on contraception and safe sex would ADD to the pressure for this poor girl to have sex IMO. Help her but let the girl have her childhood!

Is there anyone younger in your huge family that could possibly have a word with C? The 20 year age difference between you and her could possibly get in the way of her opening up about her feelings for the lad.

I would ground her if she were my kid.

[usualsuspect]

I think you just need to talk about safe sex and her self esteem and be there for her when it all goes wrong

and grounding her won't help will it ,shes 15 not 5

[purplepidjinawoollytangle]

Make sure she has access to condoms. Preferable the pill as well.

Can you get her to a local youth club once a week? They will have staff trained to advise in these situations (I'm one!) although they will, obviously, be bound by confidentiality.

I'd be concerned by the self-harm and the lack of friends at school, which is why an outside interest like a youth club (lots of lovely information about chlamydia and the dangers of sex all over the place ) or dance/sport would help her self esteem

[minipie]

Rebel, don't you think that that kind of strong counter pressure could make her more likely to sleep with him not less?

I agree with pointing out it's illegal though.

[RebelFromTheWaistDown]

Minipie - Less likely. I would only allow her to see the boy under my supervision - with a bucket of icy water on hand to drench the horny little fucker.

[purplepidjinawoollytangle]

A 15yo girl with a 16yo lad? The police will barely raise an eyebrow, I'm afraid.

Strong pressure against what she thinks she wants will most likely make her clam up all the more.

OP could you spare an afternoon to take her shopping/beauty treatment/girlie chat and encourage her to confide in you? At least that way you'd have some accurate information and can advise accordingly

[lesley33]

I think one of the most important things is her knowing that she can talk to you and that you will be supportive. Why don't you arrange to do an activity just the 2 of you that you know she will like. Try and make it something where you can have fun, but also chat a bit and just feel close to each other.

And tell her that if she ever wants to talk about anything you will always be there for her. Tell her she can ring you any time of day or night if she needs to talk. You can also say that you know your parent's are a bit out of touch, but explain how you are not.

I don't think telling her to do things will have any affect whatsoever. She does need to be able to trust you and ask for help.

[squeakytoy]

The self harming is the biggest worry here. She is 15, it is normal for girls that age to start thinking about sleeping with boys.. and sadly, broken hearts are also part of growing up too. What is not normal is mutilating your body and it is also a worry that she has no girlfriends to chat with of her own age.

[minipie]

"I would only allow her to see the boy under my supervision"

Um. They are at school together...

[sue52]

I would be very worried about the self harming too. Ask directly if she has had sex with this boy (trying not to sound judgemental whilst asking) and from her answer go from there. I would tell your Mum to speak to her school and ask if they have noticed any changes in her.
First love ending is a very painful and she needs to know that you take her feelings seriously, telling her she won't remember what he looked in a few years time won't help.
I would try and build up her self esteem maybe a trip to make up counter (it always worked with my daughters). The most important thing is to make her feel loved and valued by her family.

[BoastingByStealth]

Thankyou all, I will take on board all that has been advised (icy water included!) and speak to her. I may be back....

rebel yes, there are younger people than me in our family, I'm really surprised that my Dad asked ME. I will try myself then recruit others to bombard her with the same info.

She is a very very young 15, and this relationship seems so one sided that I can't see it lasting, so I really don't want to be permissive by giving contraceptive advice, but I know I must to ensure her safety - though I doubt she'll listen to me over him if he doesn't want to use condoms, for instance...

I'm going to have to at least find out if they've had sex, then I will come bac here and update for more words of wisdom from you all!

THANKYOU

[yaimee]

Agree with UsualSuspects, I think the best things to talk to her about are self esteem and contraception and her relationships in general. She needs to be aware of the mutual respect that should be present before any sexual relationship takes place. Don't advise her not to sleep with him, just try to ensure that she knows that you are there for her to speak to if she needs you and give her as much support as you can!

[SnowWhiteGoodman]

Personally, I don't think she has had sex, if she is a very young 15 and her parents are out of touch and she has no friends, she will be worried about what she is doing and I garentee she will ask somebody younger in your family, in their teens perhaps.
Honestly, I would ask her if I were you, she will get all embarrassed, laugh and cry, like they do. I would definitely ask someone who was quite a similar age to talk to her and keep you up to date as best they can.
I had a friend similar to her, when she was 14/15 she had been going out with someone for around 6-7 months, her mum had a very loud conversation about her sons friends getting HIV or and STD when they first had sex with no contreception, she was so distraught she finished seeing the lad!

[Icelollycraving]

Poor girl. Could you,as big sis,invite her to you for a sleepover. Tell her you are happy if she is but that you are worried. She won't listen but do make sure she feels confident about contraception etc. She will sleep with him at some stage. I'd be more concerned about the self harming tbh.
You can't stop teenage angst,heartbreak etc but let her know you are there for her. It's hard to see someone you love do this but at 15 it's unlikely she will want to listen to you or anyone else. Don't tell her about the diary,I had something similar happen to me when I was a young teen,it was mainly hopes about a boy,but I was hugely embarrassed & my parents treated me like an out of control town bike. I hadn't even kissed him! I digress,could you maybe find out if there is a best friend & treat them to a girly day. That may get her a little kudos if it's something nice.
Sorry I don't have much advice but wanted to sympathise.

[spiderpig8]

If she is so besotted with him and would do anything for him, it's hard to imagine they haven't had sex.
What your sis is going through is sad, but it's a part of growing up that nearly everyone goes through.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Oh I recognise this behaviour. There's no good outcome from it. Your sister has shifted the power of the relationship so that she has none and her feelings and thoughts are largely irrelevant to this boy. She's prostrated herself at his feet and there's nowhere for this relationship to go but out. :(

In your position, OP, I'd do the things you suggested, absolutely avoid coming down the 'heavy' so as not to foster Romeo/Juliet transference, and be as clear and matter of fact about it as you can - also suggest that your parents do the same - so that this comes to a swift end without horrible, permanent consequences.

You sound lovely, by the way, I would have loved a sister like you. :)

[skrumle]

i think the best thing you could do for her is try and find her another interest - go hillwalking with her, or find her an art class to go to at weekends, or get her involved in a local theatre group. even find her an online forum that matches with her interests!

the biggest issue here is that she is so totally obsessed with him and has no other social outlet. whether or not she has sex with him, her obsession is unhealthy and will make her unlikely to be able to see when he is trying to manipulate her, or unwilling to risk the relationship if he wants to do something she doesn't.

if she is having sex with him and wants to continue then i think the scarleteen website is a good starting point - safe sex and avoiding pregnancy are essential in order to avoid a relationship that will probably be short-lived having a life-changing impact...

[teenagedirtbag]

This is a complicated one and chances are that talk is going to be awkward for both of you.
Just be reasonable at the end of the day she is going to have sex with him she will, and if you end up yelling she's just going to want to do it more. If she tells you she is going to have sex with him then help her talk her through what happens that if she isn't ready it will hurt her more, tell her where to get comdoms from but don't get them for her yourself, explain that if she isn't mature enough to get them for herself she's not ready for sex. Also make it clear that while she is 15 it is illegal.
If she has already done the deed ask her did she have safe sex and talk it through trying as hard as you can to make it casual.
Treat her like she is an adult because even thinking about this means she is growing up, and try to remember that there are loads of girls who have sex that are younger than her and this isn't as horrid as it seems.
Good luck

[teenagedirtbag]

Oh yes and the issue with her being obsessed with this boy, it is normal many teenagers girls go through this. This is the first boy she's even thinking about getting with and she will always have feelings for him. She's with him now and you can't stop that if you try and push her out of it the more she will try and stay with him. If she breaks up with him again for whatever reason you need to nip it in the bud this time or it will just become a cycle and she will get her heart broken. I don't know your sister so I can't advise what to do for the best. Of course this is not helped by the fact that she has not got many friends her own age. Ask her if there may be a club she wants to join outside of school, Drama clubs are always good because they have a big mix of people and are always a confidence boost.