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DD 12 driving me nuts.

(12 Posts)
SecondhandRose Tue 20-Sep-11 09:25:27

Pushing every boundary and breaking house rules. Yet again today she flounced down the stairs at 8.30 to go to school but she hadnt eaten or brushed her teeth. I lost my rag with her and pushed her and screamed at her. This has been going on for some time and I have had enough now. Whatever time she gets up she is t ever ready to go to school.

As for punishment, i took her phone away but i really need her to have it for school. We took her netbook away two weeks ago. She doesnt really go anywhere much except into town with friends occasionally.

What punishment can i give? She gets five pounds a week pocket money for keeping her room tidy which she didnt get last week.

Oh and while I am ranting she lives like a pig, doesnt flush her toilet and wont tidy up unless she knows I am going to remove all her methods of communication.

nickschick Tue 20-Sep-11 09:45:04

Instead of punishing her why dont you try and talk to her about how her behaviour is disrupting the family,you could suggest she lay everything out ready the night before,ask her if theres a particular cereal she would like as going to school with no breakfast is not an option,you could speak to her about puberty about how hygeine is more important as you become an adult- remind her that foul breath leads to decay and dentistry.

Theres no point removing her phone (ive learnt this at my own cost) you need to be able to be in touch with her and so its a neccesary item.

Similarly the net book if she has a limited social life could she not gain by having the net book?

Im not a supermum (ask my 3 ds grin) but one thing I have learnt the hard way is nobody likes orders- requests and chat are the way to go.

SecondhandRose Tue 20-Sep-11 10:03:56

Her brother is 16 and also a challenge but that is another story. He is able to get ready for school and be by the door at 8.30. He starts to get extremely agitated if she is not ready and demands I put sanctions on her.

I have spoken to her about being ready on time every school day since 1st September when they both started a new school which they both love (year 8 and year 12).

Am thinking of bringing her make up downstairs as I think she is spending all the time putting on foundation (another problem).

She is physically clean but just lives in a mess. I wash her clothes, iron them, give them to her to put away and then find them on the floor or shoved in the back of a drawer. Soul destroying.

Theas18 Tue 20-Sep-11 11:12:43

Lots of what you describe is normal- clothes on floor etc - give up ironing them!

As regards her phone, she needs it for school but not at home....hmm

Have a long chat- go for a walk, take her to starbucks, what ever it takes. Listen and speak little. She clearly isn't at all happy in herself and you need to get to the bottom of it and then maybe start talking about where we move forward to make living together as a family better/easier for all.

The make up worries me a lot. She must have pretty poor self esteem to need a mask of foundation, poor kid. My 12 yr old put a bit on at the weekend, but it is banned at school anyway (as in turn up with make up on and head of year will introduce you to the make up wipes and nail polish remover that lives in her room- and I suspect you get a bit of Mrs M therapy too into why you might have wanted to come in make up anyway- Mrs M is amazing- rules are rules and are enforced but equally they love her to bits!)

MedusaIsHavingABadHairDay Tue 20-Sep-11 18:19:03

Clothes..ironing.. forget it. You have to pick your battles and it's not one worth it. I used to lovingly iron DS1's clothes and he would dump them in a heap..made me so he pointed out to me 'don't iron them, I don't care!' I stopped... one less stress.

I have 4 teens.. two are tidy, two are frankly, revolting. But again..their mess. Every so often I pass them a bin liner/hoover etc and and say 'sort it or anything on the floor is binned' and they do (I did bin stuff so they knew I meant it).

I'd concentrate maybe on gently asking if there any issues at school (or maybe she is just at the makeup-with-a-trowel stage..both my girls did that..about yr passed thankfully!) ..if there are, they need looking at, if not..she leaves hungry and smelly breathed.. eventually she will learn.

I wouldn't apply sanctions demanded by her brother whatever his own issues..that's not his place...

Defo carrot rather than stick approach..teens do tend to dig their heels in if challenged over too man things!

nickschick Tue 20-Sep-11 18:48:53

Why dont you take her into town help her choose a reasonably priced foundation and sponge so it wont take forever to put it on in the morning and buy a new toothbrush and some toothpaste just for her - and spend a bit of time noseying finding out about her life (bet a boys involved wink)

SecondhandRose Tue 20-Sep-11 19:56:11

Toothbrushes are downstairs for the mornings. Am not buying more make up, she has bucketloads. I have told her that it needs to come down stairs so she can learn how to put it on quickly. I am not too bothered how much she is wearing as school will soon give her a detention if they are it happy.

We live in a new house so I want to keep it looking vaguely decent. Perhaps i need to take her to the show house again for a look round as it is the same model as ours.

notjustme Tue 20-Sep-11 21:48:47

I can only advise that if our DD is anything to go by, it's normal! When she hit the age where she could determine her own hygiene routine it went downhill like a lead brick. She wouldn't brush her teeth, she wouldn't put deodourant on, she would go for as long as possible without washing of any description. To begin with we went with trying to get her to understand the importance of hygiene for health reasons (i.e. no teeth when they've all fallen out). When it became quite clear she didn't give a hoot we moved onto nagging. That worked if we were there to keep it under control (i.e. asking if she had brushed her teeth/whatever before she left the house) but never changed her actual opinion on it - if she could get away with it in any way, she would.

What REALLY worked was the realisation that if she smelt and had bad breath, she would get people at SCHOOL commenting on it and that sorted it out pretty promptly. Once she hit Y8 at school she suddenly turned a corner and started to wash, deodourise and brush her teeth when she knew she was going to meet people that were worth the effort (like friends/boyfriends etc) or going to school. She still isn't great the rest of the time but I will take an improvement where I can get one!

I made it pretty clear to her that if she wanted to go out the house and meet people stinking and minging then she could, because she soon wouldn't like it when they noticed. The problem is that at that age, they aren;t really bothered what we think of them (horrible nagging moany parents that we are) but when their mates start saying the same things, it hits home.

When it comes to clothes and ironing, I'm afraid you're just realising what I think a lot of parents realise as their children start becoming responsible for their own belongings and that is - they don't care and you shouldn't bother! I used to wash, dry and nicely fold all DD's clothes for her, then get completely peeved when I would find them dumped on the floor the next day, or worse, shoved back in the dirty washing because she couldnt be bothered to do anything with it. I quickly decided that I wasn't going to do any of it any more. She was old enough at 13 to press a button on the washing machine and sort her own clothes out. If I am putting a wash on and have some spare space, I'll offer to put some of hers in too, but I don't wash her clothes on a fixed basis and I certainly don't fold them. If there's washing of hers left in the kitchen, it gets given to her in a washing basket unfolded, and she can do as she likes with it. If she wants to dump it on the floor she can do, and I make sure to point it out to her when she has no nice clean clothes to wear because they have all been trampled all over.

We operate the same deal - money for a tidy room, but she hardly ever bothers. She is not money orientated at all so doesn't care if she has no money or not. Sadly if you operate this rule, then you can't really enforce tidying the room since it was already an optional rule.

Have you considered the grown up equivalent of a star chart? I know it sounds babyish but it doesn't have to be and we have had some success. Have a list of 'good things' (i.e. being at the front door at 8.30 in the morning ready and clean, tidy room at bedtime each night), for each good one achieved, it's one 'merit' towards a pre-arranged list of rewards (e.g. some small such as net time, phone time, some bigger such as money, treats, day out, etc). It works even when they are older, so long as the rewards are suitably 'good'.

SecondhandRose Wed 21-Sep-11 11:29:58

Well the good news is that DD was downstairs for breakfast at 8.15 this morning. Perhaps my meltdown with her yesterday hit home.

ativa Wed 21-Sep-11 11:36:58

I get breakfast ready between 7.15 and 7.45. If mine aren't down by then they get their own. We leave at 8am sharp, so if they don't eat, they don't eat

ativa Wed 21-Sep-11 11:37:24

£5 a week seems tons. and I feel a bit sorry for her re the foundation, is she spotty?

SecondhandRose Wed 21-Sep-11 13:01:48

Not terribly spotty but they all seem to be wearing it. It is a tinted moisturiser rather than full blown foundation. 5 pounds doesnt go far these days and she hasnt had it for weeks now.

They get their own cereal in the mornings. I say the car doesnt start unless they have had some milk and cereal.

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