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bored bored bored of teen behaviour

(22 Posts)
RavenVonChaos Mon 19-Sep-11 14:53:49

Help I am so fed up with continually bailing out my dd (17).

Failed all GCSE's and now is still not allowed to do GCSE maths due to poor marks in FSQM. I am embarrassed to keep ringing up the college to beg them to give her another chance blah blah blah.

She has no job and makes no effort to find one.

Is rude and unhelpful around the house. Moans about everything, sooo negative.

I am not even angry anymore just bored and resigned to the fact that she has no motivation and not the slightest inclination to really push herself to achieve.

Any tips for surviving until she buggers off?

noddyholder Mon 19-Sep-11 14:55:29

I am with you sad My ds is a pita but is at college. I am at my wits end so will watch with interest as nothing I have tried so far has worked!

RavenVonChaos Mon 19-Sep-11 15:01:18

Thanks Noddy - its really getting me down. I seem to put in 100% effort and she barely gives 10%.

SHe has just been chucked by her boyfriend so I do sympathise but COME ON!

She is a total pita.

Don't know wether to just withdraw silently and let her get on with it. I am sick of battling on her behalf while she swans around doing sweet FA!

noddyholder Mon 19-Sep-11 15:04:41

I too have battled with teachers etc for ds have given up now as I got no thanks and now he blames me for everything! He gives 0 and I am always giving. I am so let down as I put a lot in to all his educational needs/demands and he is just not the boy I knew

Theas18 Mon 19-Sep-11 18:01:31

Much sympathy that must be awful.

She's "swanning around" presumably financed by you, so maybe one thing to do is say you'll feed and house her but she needs to find a source of income to finance clubbing/ pubbing/ mobile etc. Go flip burgers for a while ill she realises that you earn more, in a more interesting way if you have some qualifications maybe?

Tortington Mon 19-Sep-11 18:06:27

if only i could have a burger flipper! that would be a step up

my son has two diplomas now - from courses i have poured him into.

now hes aimless.

i toldd him i want some money - job centre plus can mold him into shape - he thinks hes so above the job centre he detests going. so they can pour him / kajole him / threaten him. I'm not working all fucking day to fill in his application forms

i decided i am enabling his lazy arse by 'helping' so i';m not any more

noddyholder Mon 19-Sep-11 18:11:06

I applaud you custy I have been queen fucking form filler too and I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!!!!!!!!

RavenVonChaos Mon 19-Sep-11 21:38:43

Yes, I too have succumbed to the form filling/job hunting/cv updating. Guess I am just an enabler.

I have not really spoken to DD since she got home as I did not actually sit down until 8.45 as doing jobs. So I was just sitting down with a cuppa to watch embarrassing bodies and she comes in and wants to start telling my "how shite everything is, and how shite everybody is". I didn't really engage so she stormed out as I wasn't paying her enough attention. Yada yada yada. I am BORED of hearing it all.

That sounds awful, but true. I am actually bored of her negativity and lack of direction and her inability to execute the most basic task. I have two other much younger dc's and need to ensure that they get the attention they deserve.

Shall I sit down with her and tell her the truth about how I feel?

Tortington Wed 21-Sep-11 07:40:41

yes thats an idea, but i think you have to be careful how you couch it. lots of 'i love yous' and positives, ask her what her plans are - structure the conversation so she makes her own ideas for the future.

my teens react really well to supporting me. so if you want to be a little manipulative in getting a connection and getting yourselves on an even keel a day or so before the above conversation - try asking her for a hug as you've had a 'shitty' day. helps to humanise you and remind them that they really aren't the only person in the universe

Tortington Wed 21-Sep-11 07:44:52

oh and my ds went for a jobcentre plus interview yesterday and has to go back, it really is a horrible place, lots of desperate people. i'm sure he will do anything not to go there. plus they can be the monkey on his back that i have opted out of being.

he then went to connections and got them to help him fill in an application for an apprenticeship

huzzah!

Maryz Wed 21-Sep-11 09:00:37

Great news Custardo (and good advice).

ds is on a training scheme and "earning" money so he feels justified in doing nothing around the house because he is now self-supporting in that we don't give him any money. I want to start charging him keep, but to be honest I'm afraid to have the conversation blush.

He is coasting along, doing stuff he was doing back in school when he was 14 and getting paid for it, which really pisses me off. He has more disposeable income than I do, but I know if I take money from him he will stop going and then he'll be around the house all day and I'll kill him.

The words "rock" and "hard place" come to mind hmm.

AnyFucker Wed 21-Sep-11 13:57:12

mary, I understand the rock/hard place situation you are in

but I have to say you should be charging him some keep

it is going to bite you on the arse if you don't < sympathies and empathies >

if he stops going, then he won't have any money at all will he, so maybe he will threaten but then think better of it

Maryz Wed 21-Sep-11 14:04:46

He won't care AF. I know it's wrong, but I find it hard sometimes to separate the Asperger's and the stroppy bollox, and I suspect money (for him)is an Asperger's thing.

I'm also in a difficult position as I don't earn anything atm, which he sees as me living off dh hmm. I hope to get a job and be in a better position to talk to him about it all, and in any event we will be charging him when he hits 18 (I hope); we are in negotiations atm.

I don't want to go off half-cock and at the moment as far as he is concerned his money is his money hmm and if we are just going to take it, what's the point in earning it.

I'm going slowly round the bend with it, but when it compares with him running away, sleeping rough, stealing money and suffering drug-induced psychosis (which is where we were two years ago when he was 15), a few quid just doesn't seem worth it atm). Though I accept my acceptance of the situation is a bit pathetic blush.

Sorry to derail Raven smile. You are not alone.

AnyFucker Wed 21-Sep-11 14:17:25

No, it's not pathetic, it is far from that

And it is better this way than him sleeping rough, of course it is. What will change when he is 18 though ? You will still be scared to ask him to contribute to his own living expenses. It isn't teaching him how to live in a grown up world, this way (I know you know this)

I can see why you are paralysed though. You know you have my utmost sympathy .

Maryz Wed 21-Sep-11 14:40:23

dh has opened negotiations grin. When he is 18 his "pay" goes up (youth training scheme), and also by 18 dd and ds2 will be out of school and hopefully will have part time jobs, and will be contributing. Also, by then I'll (hopefully) be back working.

So we are approaching it from the "when you are 18 you will be an adult and expected to contribute to the household" and taking it slowly.

With a bit of luck he will decide to live elsewhere rather than pay up. If he refuses, it's a bit sticky. But he will be glad to be an "adult" so might just conform.

I don't know. We have long-term flexible goals.

AnyFucker Wed 21-Sep-11 14:59:06

smile

You do realise that you will not be able to justify charging your other dc keep too, don't you ?

Unless they are spectacularly Mother Theresa-like, I could understand them kicking off when he is given special dispensation to sponge off his parents and they are not (in teenager-speak)

or will their cut-off be 18 too ?

Maryz Wed 21-Sep-11 15:03:11

Yep that's the idea. He feels hard done by because they have got extra years in school (well, yes, he got thrown out hmm) and that I still buy them clothes (well, yes, they are children hmm). Though to be honest they do realise that it is impossible to apply the same rules to him as to them. I don't think either of them will expect the freedom he took at their ages.

The other advantage to him being 18 is that when he gets arrested they won't be banging on our doors, so if he chooses to move out rather than pay up we aren't responsible for where he stays or what he does.

I am toughening up a bit, honest grin.

'Tis a very odd life I live - I wouldn't believe it if I didn't live it, tbh.

AnyFucker Wed 21-Sep-11 15:05:34

smile

AnyFucker Wed 21-Sep-11 15:05:49

I think you are doing a marvellous job

homeaway Wed 21-Sep-11 15:12:03

I hear your frustration but there is hope. Sometimes you have to keep leading the horse to water for it to drink even if it refuses lots of times. I would pay privately for her to resit the exams she failed or the ones she wants to carry one with. Pm me if you want to know how to put them down for the exams. Kids dont realise that today more than before they need qualifications to get jobs.

AnyFucker Wed 21-Sep-11 15:15:38

sorry for hijack, raven

you have my utmost sympathy

< proud(ish) owner of nearly 16yo who is doing her best to fuck up her GCSE year >

Maryz Wed 21-Sep-11 16:06:59

Thanks AF. Sorry Raven.

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