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where do i start? ds 14

(7 Posts)
JohnniesBitch Mon 19-Sep-11 14:20:54

on thursday we had a call from a pcso to say that ds had been the only one named in a group of 4 or 5 causing anti social behaviour near the local shops (literally across the road from our house and visible from the front windows). They have made an appointment to come and see myelf and xh on tuesday to discuss this and find out the names of the other boys involved.
Ds had told me about an incident where they him and his friends were sat on the steps at the side of the shops that lead up to a flat that is empty, when a man came and started shouting at them and told them they were breaking the law etc. This is what the police have said as well but also said that ds and friends were knocking on doors running away and looking and shouting through windows.
I spoke to ds about this and he denied it and as he had already told me about the steps before the police call, i did believe him when he said he hadnt done anything else.
Cut to sunday, and ds is out with his friends. Im cooking lunch and a knock at the door, ds is with a man, who has brought him home, apparently ds and 4 friends (who had all managed to run away but ds was slow getting on his bike and th eman grabbed him) had been knocking on the door of a house around the corner from us and the woman called her neighbour to come out and catch them.
of course xh and i went mad at him, he is currently grounded and the man and woman have said they will report him and the friends (who we made ds name and give addresses too) to the police.
Eventually ds confessed that yes he ahd bene looking though windows on sunday but swears that he wasnt involved in anything other than sitting on steps last week. and did name the boy who was the only one looking though windows and knocking doors last week and started the trouble on sunday (yes no excuse for my son, i really thought we'd done a better job than this)

I know the parents of the other boys, who are two sets of brothers both 14 and 13. the first parent i notified to expect a call from the police, was understandably cross at the boys, called them straight hime, they confessed and are grounded awaiting to see what the police will do.
the other mother, came round to mine a couple of hours later arms crossed and a face on her that could sour milk, my boys say they didnt do it and werent there and they dont lie! all i did was repeat what i had bene told by the man who caught them who actually described her younger son as the one kicking this womans door, and that it was up to the police now to sort it out. if she didnt beleive the police, 3 other boys, the woman whos door/windows were knocked and the man who caught them , she was clearly dillusional.

im not really sure where im going with this or what im asking. I guess i feel like an idiot for believing ds over the incident last week and defending him to the pcso.

please if you made it to the end of this post, please tell me it gets better?

GnomeDePlume Tue 20-Sep-11 08:17:21

Deal with your son's behaviour. Leave the other woman to deal with hers.

Your son was part of anti-social behaviour. The precise details of who did what probably dont really matter to the person who had to suffer it.

Mostly what your son did sounds stupid and thoughtless. He has to take the consequences. Contrition in front of the police will be a good idea to start with. A long conversation with your son about how his behaviour impacts other people would be a good thing.

It doesnt have to be any worse than this. Hopefully it has come as a bit of a shock to your son. Teenagers can be very impulsive and also can behave as a herd, one does something then everyone else joins in. Is there anyway the group of friends could meet at your house? Hanging around on street corners has never been popular with the neighbours.

nickschick Tue 20-Sep-11 08:27:57

I know this is hard (ive been here ,my disabled son has been arrested twice for nothing on the say of an elderly spiteful woman on our street).

Kids do play 'knock a door runaway' its not fair its not right but kids time over have done it,your ds isnt a shoplifter or a petty thief,hes not assaulted an ekderly man so things could be a whole lot worse.

You are right in giving ds the hard word and you are right to stick up for him-hopefully the police will be similarly minded and ds will just get a bit of a shock- the way this is handled with effect the way ds feels about the police in future my ds has no interest or respect for the police and one of the pcsos was so abusive to me the inspector had to apologise on his behalf because the accompanying pc reported it.

The way we 'got through' to ds was explaining he is 'mansized' now and 10 year olds can get away with this sort of behaviour but teenage boys cant and the effects on a 'bad name' can be dire.

JohnniesBitch Tue 20-Sep-11 12:56:54

DS is grounded and had his phone taken off him. As a rule he doesnt hang around the shops or street corners, he and his friends go to the bmx parks, whihc we are lucky enough to have at least 3 within a short distance. He would normally come in either alone or with one or two of his friends if everyone else was just hanging around as he said he found it boring.

DS has an unusual name so sticks out wehn someone calls it in the street and also easy to identify him. we have had a word with him about he would feel if someone had done the same to his elderly great grand parents etc and he does seem genuinley sorry.

As well as feeling disapointed in him, i do also have some sympathy as hes had a difficult year in terms of beig bullied and friends turning out not to be friends (when he hadnt gone long with anti social behaviour with boys he used to hang around with).

fingers crossed the visit from the police after school today will be enough to scare him into not getting involved in anymore of this behviour type.

GnomeDePlume Tue 20-Sep-11 13:05:32

Some years ago I saw some research which showed teenage boys being incapable of recognising fearful facial expressions and saw them as angry. It was very interesting because of course the boy reacted to what they saw as anger.

I think Nickschick comments about being 'mansize' are also highly relevant. The game is childish, the impact is grownup. The danger is that as he gets older the consequences get more grown up.

At some point he may want to go to the USA to do that he will need to keep crime free. I hadnt realised this myself until I saw another thread. I now include it in my 'behave or else' lectures to my DCs!

JohnniesBitch Tue 20-Sep-11 14:20:30

ah now as we just came back from the usa and are going again in october that point is relevant.

Frustratingly the police have cancelled and said that the visit is unimportant! I do understand staffing issues, overtime unpaid etc but still this is annoying as i know they spoke to my son alone last tuesday, didnt ring me to make an appt until thursday evening couldnt come until today, both xh and i arrange time off work (for xh unpaid) to be there at a time to suit them and then they cancel with a little over an hours notice, without providing us with anymore information, so we do not know what the police beleive to be ds involvement in it and how often etc etc, a lot of unanswered questions for us, that at present we can only beleive what ds has told us that there were two incidents the one where he was sat on the steps with the friends and the one boy carrying out the asb, and sunday when ds was involved in knocking on the door and window.

I think the police cancelling sends out the wrong impression to the boys as well, as if the police see it as unimportant enough to keep an appointment and not reschedule then there may be the chance that they will see it as a minor thing.

DS will still be on the receiving end of a conversation with myself and xh about acceptable behaviour and how he now needs to be especially careful as his name has been brought to the attnetion of the police. As well as needing to be responsible fo rhis actions and know that tis kind of behaviour is both inapropiate and unacceptable.

Wish me luck!

GnomeDePlume Tue 20-Sep-11 21:27:09

Good luck!

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