Feel betrayed by my DS (15)(13 Posts)
I am just wondering if anyone has been through what I have been through over the last 24 hours and can help me understand my feelings of being betrayed by my DS and what I should do next and what I should not say!
I will try to give some sort of idea of our life:
I love my DS to bits (well I did lol) He has been thoroughly spoilt (was in special care as a baby and lost one before him) thats my excuse! I have two other children DD (12) and DS (5).
He is sort of a typical teenager namely horrible, rude, swearing, smoking, aggressive, been suspended a few times. He now has a new GF who I feel is taking over his life.
We went on hols in August and it was like having our Son back ie. no pressures etc had fun, played cards, went swimming etc but since we have been back they have lived in each others pockets and he keeps saying strange things like we are not a normal family and he wants to move in with her. I am with a DP as I left DH 8 years ago but we have been together for 8 years and he has brought my children up - DS 5 is in fact his so is a half brother to DS (15). We all get on very well ie. DP and DH to the point that DH has even come to Xmas lunch at ours one year.
DH probably only sees DS (15) once a week but they never do anything together. DH fault probably.
Anyway about 6 weeks ago we would not let DS GF Mum take him to his Dads as we could not get hold of Dad and did not feel it would be fair on DS GF Mum to have our Son till DH got home. DS was not happy about this (I should add that he had his GF had drunk two bottles of wine whilst we were at work before this event took place (5 hours before they say). DP had to lay down the law and got DS by the scruff of the neck ie. his shirt and gently but firmly led him from the car, down the steps into the house.
Never mentioned again really.
Then yesterday whilst at work I get a call from DS School saying that DS has told them DP has hurt him and they have called social services. Luckily social services told them to see if we could all sort it out. DS went straight from school to GF and this is when the fun begins: (just writing it again is winding me up!)
GF Mum phones me to see if DS can stay at hers. I say no I want him home as we are going to have a family conference as we want to find out what is going on in his head etc (DH) is here too.
She refuses to bring him back! She then phones DH who is here and finally agrees to bring him back but wants to be in on the meeting (Who the F@@K does she think she is). Anyway we have a meeting, nothing is really resolved and amazingly he goes back with her as all his stuff is there ( I tell her well it looks like he got his own way as I was not going to let him see GF tomorrow (being today as this was yesterday!) im not sure she saw my point!
She also actually had the FRONT to say to me (the person who has loved and reared my DS for the last 15 years that I had done a good job!!!!!!!!) WTF has it got to do with her. Ive only met her twice (bloody do gooders).
Anyway I now feel as if the person I have just given the best 15 years of my life to aswell as thousands and thousands of pounds has turned his back on me (dissed me) for someone elses Mum.
I have no idea why I feel so betrayed and wonder if it is because I was never dumped when growing up (I did the dumping!)
I have been listening to revenge songs all day ie. Cher Strong Enough but have to keep telling myself this is my DS and not a partner/husband relationship.
He has come in tonight said hello mum, asked if I will take his GF to watch him play Rubgy tomorrow - I have had to say no as do not have enough seat belts - he called me a C@@T and we have not spoken since!
Dear god I feel for you! That sound horrendous. When did the relationship start to break down so?
What with DS 15?? Just due to him being a teenager really and me having to lay the law down ie. over homework etc but like I said on hols in August - it was "look Mum" at the aquapark and swimming together, bat and ball and we got on really well.
He has now been on the phone to GF for about 2 hours!
Thank you for reading - it was rather a long post lol
I don't really understand why you have allowed him to behave like this until now? You say 'He is sort of a typical teenager namely horrible, rude, swearing, smoking, aggressive, been suspended a few times', but that is not typical of most teenagers, and it seems odd to me that you have normalised it and allowed it to continue.
Tonight he called you a cunt, and you haven't spoken since - why did you not say anything to him thrn, rather than then let him be on the phone to his girlfriend for two hours?
It doesn't sound like normal teenage behaviour to me either.
Not normal teenage behaviour- but not really normal mum behaviour either. The listening songs all day doesn't sound right to me. Do you need to sort out who's who in your life?
I'm slightly struggling to get my head round your post. It sounds as if his behaviour is of less concern to you than his 'betrayal', and the intervention of his GF's mum. Is that right?
It also sounds as though bystanders (the school, GF's mum) are concerned about stuff going on in your family, and you seem unconcerned about that other than 'wtf do they think they are' type stuff. What do you think your ds is saying about you, and how do you feel about that?
The stuff about revenge songs and never having been dumped is just slightly odd. Is it possible that you have been holding on to your ds too tightly, so he is perhaps overreacting to get some distance from you (as teenagers have to do)?
Those were pretty much exactly my thoughts, Hester
I'm another one struggling to make sense of this to be honest..
He's 15 ? Well I'd expect him to be monosyllabic, and generally ungrateful because teens generally are for a while.. but being suspended is NOT normal teen behaviour and you seem to have in incredibly relaxed attitude to him drinking 2 bottles of wine with his GF. He needs boundries while it sounds like he has been spoilt rotten.
What puzzles me more tho is your attitude to his behaviour? He 'dissed' you? you have been dumped even though you 'spend thousands' and are listening to revenge songs? FFS GROW UP!!
You are the adult here..you need to behave like one and not like another petulant teenager. You need to sit down with your partner, decide what is actually important here , then talk to your son.. remove his phone (sorry but anyone who spoke to me like that would have had that removed immediately) and really talk to him. At 15 it isn't too late to start to develop a more positive and adult relationship with him, but he needs to know the boundaries and you need to be prepared to stick to them.
Then he has a choice.. either he toes the line or he goes to live with GF.. I suspect they won't be so keen to keep him for very long if he is as charming as he sounds.
I've been through it with my eldest son..and have 4 teens so have a fair bit of experience over the years but I have never normalised my son's behaviour when it was bad.. nor did I ever talk about loving my son in the past tense... I find that disturbing..
i feel for you op.
i have pretty much been in your situation with my ds for the past two years.
it really is up and down and all over the place.i also feel like you all those careful years of parenting have been for nothing as he really doesn't want to know me half the time and will favour other people he hardly knows over me (they don't keep him in line).
i would try and be firm - 15 is far too young for wine/drinking you should be doing all you can i have made a resolution to try and really come down hard on my ds this term at college but it is so difficult - it goes against all my instincts as a mother to upset him and cause conflict but i understand it is the best way to get things changed in the end.
He is spoilt, overindulged and has clearly been given no boundaries. His behaviour is not that of a normal teenager, but someone with no respect for you or his school.
Do you try to be a friend or a parent to him?
Your behaviour sounds weird.
I would be much more concerned about the fact that my partner had put his hands on my 15 year old than you appear to be, OP. I'm also not understanding your aggression towards the g/f's mother when she tries to mediate when you have apparently been letting her ferry your DS around for you.
I agree with other posters that some of your DS's behaviour is not normal teenage behaviour. My teens didn't smoke or drink 2 bottles of wine with boyfriends at your sons age. They also didn't get suspended from school. They did do do things like taking themselves off to their rooms or telling us that stuff was unfair. Also listening to revenge songs is not normal parent behaviour. He needs some boundaries but also room to be himself. The school and his girlfriends Mother seem to be trying to help him and you. They aren't trying to take him away from you.
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