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Plse HELP..now found innappropriate txts on 14yr olds phone from 18yr old

(178 Posts)
febel Fri 09-Sep-11 21:33:38

Hi, sorry to be asking again...am having a bad week this week and now found all my fears about 14 year old boyfriend are prob as nothing ...found VERY inappropriate texts from 18/19 yr old on 14 yr old daughters phone. He helps at her local watersports club and has just gone back to uni..and is doing a course in helping teach kids sports etc No doubt she is not been without blame..leading him on ..BUT the texts he hs sent are to do with her losing her virginity to him, with him licking...well..you get the general picture. She was asking me why her phone wouldn't send mms ..and thank god it wouldn't cos found out from her texts that she was goin to send him some of her as long as he didn't put em on f/bk etc (!!!doesn't she listen at school or to ME ever?!) What should I do..she is hysterical upstairs, made herself sick over it..saying she has ruined his career if I tell anyone etc.

I do know him from the club vaguely, and his dad..if I phone him (the lad) and have a word it doesn't solve the fact he may be back in the hols to help at the club...and I feel he can't come back and help..but his dad is so big in the club he will. I don't want to get him into loads of trouble but feel he shouldn't have done it..he has a duty of care to the youngsters he is dealing with even if they do lead him on at times.

Plse help

happysmellyfeet Fri 09-Sep-11 21:43:47

Really you should report him. He is an adult; your daughter is a minor. She is right though, will ruin his career (both as a sports coach and a paedo!). Acting assertively now could prevent another little girl getting into the same - or a worse situation as your daughter. Sorry for you. Try not to be too angry with her.

ensure Fri 09-Sep-11 21:50:16

Definitely report. If he can't behave properly with 14 year old girls he shouldn't work with 14 year old girls. Or 13 or 12 or 11 year old girls. Don't hesitate.

ThatVikRinA22 Fri 09-Sep-11 21:54:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HattiFattner Fri 09-Sep-11 22:11:16

he's in a position of authority. she is a minor. you should report him and let the authorities decide whats been going on. He's behaved inappropriately.

wellwisher Fri 09-Sep-11 22:16:00

Keep her phone for now. Take it to the club tomorrow. Show his boss. He could be texting similar things to other children with less savvy parents...

ThatVikRinA22 Fri 09-Sep-11 22:41:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

febel Fri 09-Sep-11 22:54:04

Haven't reported him as yet, but did phone him and confronted him about it..thought would strike whilst iron is hot as it were and give him a shock. He try to say some of it was his friend but as I said to him, it was his phone/facebook and as I work with kids of 16+ I've heard every excuse in the book. he backed down and sounded v scared and apologetic, and as I said, I do know him vaguely and think he has been a massive and thoughtless t***..don't really think is a paedo? Have to say, daughter isn't entirely without blame...reading some of her texts. Asked him waht on earth he thought he was doing, and had he thought of how it could affect his future etc and how he had a duty of trust if dealing with younger kids. Threatened to tell his dad and the coach at the club..that did put the wind up him as did the threat of police. Haven't said if will or not so he will be living in fear for a bit. Just feel don't want to wreck his whole life over this, still not sure whether to tell anyone, other than himself (and daughter's dad!) He won't be returning to the club either....

ImperialBlether Sat 10-Sep-11 14:16:15

Why the hell is an 18 year old interested in a 14 year old?

I hope you have scared him off. If you speak to him again, say you will be listening out for anyone linking his name to a 14 year old girl's name and you won't hesitate to go to the police if you do.

Ask him, too, if he knows what 'statutory rape' means.

febel Sat 10-Sep-11 14:25:30

Yeh..have decided am going to let the bloke running the club know ....just to protect others. Am also going to phone his uni, no names , but to say they need to emphasise child safety on the course. have checked his facebook (which has in part been the root of this, together with texting) and he seems pretty terrified ..and ofcourse he doesn't know what I'm going to do further...)
Re the speaking to him again, that's a good idea and will speak or text him that information, thanks.

electra Sat 10-Sep-11 14:30:42

oh fgs - don't report him. I can understand your concerns. 14 is a really difficult age but it is not that unusual for a 14 year old to be going out with an 18 year old. When I was 16 my friend had a 25 year old boyfriend. As a parent of course you'll be worried and protective but getting him into trouble at work is unreasonable and unfair imo.

ImperialBlether Sat 10-Sep-11 14:33:56

It is unusual, electra.

Most 18 year olds are having the time of their lives, maybe a part time job, studying, going to the pub, going on holiday with friends, etc. A 14 year old girl is just a kid to them. Most don't want to hang around with kids.

And yes some 25 year old men do have a thing for 16 year old girls. Personally I think that shows what kind of man they are. It doesn't mean it's normal behaviour.

electra Sat 10-Sep-11 14:40:29

Well I disagree. When I was at school my friends (at 15) all had older boyfriends and my first boyfriend was 19 when I was 16. Some 14 year old girls don't look like kids. I think the OP is right to be concerned, and the boy needs to be told that the OP's daughter is vulnerable and underage etc - which would be better achieved by the OP talking to his family imo.

oopslateagain Sat 10-Sep-11 16:05:36

But there is a HUGE difference between having 'an older boyfriend' and having AN ADULT HELPER AT A CHILDREN'S SPORTS CLUB sending explicit texts to a CHILD at the club.

FGS, whether he was 'being stupid' or not, whether he is 'pretty terrified' or not, he is an adult in a position of responsibility who has been sending sexually explicit texts to a child.

Position is fairly clear to me.

festi Sat 10-Sep-11 16:13:28

I think you need to report this, as others have said and age gap in its self but at 14 and 18 it is not appropriate nor something I would want for my dd and against the law if they were to have a sexual relationship.

He is in a position of trust and has breaching that posion. He should be old enough to have enough understanding of his posion, the fact he isnt means he should not be, his behaviour is making young people vulnerable.

MardyArsedMidlander Sat 10-Sep-11 17:06:27

It IS Illegal, it IS an abuse of his position of trust and frankly, it sounds as if he will just go and do this to another underage girl.

This is not Romeo and Juliet- he would actually be classed as a sex offender if convicted.

festi Sat 10-Sep-11 17:10:33

He is grooming her.

MotherPanda Sat 10-Sep-11 17:18:02

ok, i had a 17yr old boyfriend when i was 13, which i regret hugely now, but its not that shocking that a 14yr old and an 18 yr old could be interested in one another.

what is shocking is that he was in a position of authority and abused that trust. is also out of order to sexualise this relationship. he - as the adult - should have not acted on his feelings.

do you think he'll stop now you've scared him - or do you think he'll carry on behind your back?

lillybloom Sat 10-Sep-11 17:22:42

I agree with festi. I don't think your daughter should be blamed even if she has sent text etc. He is a helper at the club and in a position of authority. I would report him.

Flowerista Sat 10-Sep-11 17:26:08

I'm blushing at the memory of what my 19 year old boyfriend and I were up to when I was 14. But there was no mms /Facebook etc so harder (for my mum) to detect. OP is this person the boyfriend you refer to in your OP? If it is your approach so far has been appropriate as is your suggestion of calling the Uni.

MindyMacready Sat 10-Sep-11 17:38:26

sorry, report him.

Summatontoast Sat 10-Sep-11 17:49:28

Agree with Flowers above, you have spoken to him, you are going to ring Uni , I would talk to the father too.

bananatrifle Sat 10-Sep-11 18:57:08

When I was 16 I went out with a 19 yr old boy, but there wasn't the kind of lewdness or leading on from him to me, that there is from this older boy to the OP's DD. In fact, he acted in a really gentlemanly way and genuinely cared for me - I guess I was lucky.

The 18 yr old in this post is abusing his power of trust. The OPs DD is vulnerable and the way he is talking to her is appalling. As any other 14 yr old girl might do, she has reciprocated, but he doesn't sound like someone to trust, either now, or in his chosen future career.

He may be just acting like any other 18 yr old boy/man, but hopefully the OP's reactions towards him have warned him not to continue this way, especially if he'll need a CRB in the future.

bananatrifle Sat 10-Sep-11 19:00:59

As far as I know, ImperialBlether, statutory rape only applies to a child of 13 yrs old or under.

ajandjjmum Sat 10-Sep-11 19:03:59

I would speak to his Dad. I think that would have more impact - assuming the Dad is as horrified as any normal parent would be - and he would have more impact on a day to day basis. I think at this point to go to the club/uni would be an overreaction.

Might feel differently if it was my daughter though. blush

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