daughter, 14 planning to have sex..HELP(13 Posts)
first day back at school and I found out tonight (hence the reason I am still awake at 1am) that my yd has told her cousin that she is planning to "do IT" with her boyfriend this thurs eve when i nip to the airport to get her older sister. she doebs't know I know and I can't tackle her cos she'll take it out on her cousin, who was so upset and worried (she's a young 13) she told her mum, who told me. It aint gonig to happen now cos she's coming to the airport with me...BUT ....help...this 14 yr old byfriend of hers seems way too persuasive (apparenly he want to go all the way) and she is way too easily led by him (not by others unfortunately) yes, we have talked about sex and how it's best not to do it early and only the other night I was saying how it's ILLEGAL at her age etc etc but the fact is she is very "into" this lad, has been seeing him 3 months, and I can't read her texts (not that I neccessarlly wd) cos she's pass worded her phone. i'm sorry if anyone out there thinks it's ok but I don't think it's ok to have sex at 14, she isn't emotianally ready I don't think.
This is the tip of the iceberg as we have had trouble all last year...the usual teenage ange (but far worse than her elder sisters ever were) and mega lying over anything (and boy is she good at it)
where am I going wrong? what should I do..am worried if I forbid them meeting will make relationship more attractive.
Should add....she doesn't ever have girl friends round and never socialises with girls really outside school....says she wouldn't know what to do with them at home ..think she isn't confident enough to have them back. so it's nt like I can involve her in lots of girly activities with girlfriends. Her sisters are older and one has lef home and the other at uni....they never caused me as much trouble and grief as she has over the past few years..don't know where I've gone wrong
No idea what to do longer term, my eldest is 12 so I am yet to have to face anything like this.
I would however, be taking her to the airport with me (using some last minute lame excuse (perhaps say you feel ill and want some one with you?) or sending someone else on the airport run (perhaps without telling her) and not letting her out of my sight on Thursday.
Hopefully an experience mum of teens may be along in a mo with some better more long term advice.
soft route - you will remember losing your virginity forever, make sure its a nice memory and that you dont regret anything about it.
softer route - your body is the one thing you truely own, only you can decide what to do with your body and anyone who tries to tell you different is not worthy of it.
stronger route (and probably my preferred option) - I know you and .... have been together a while and thoughts may be turning to a more physical relationship/ sex. I just want you to know that as it is illegal to have sex under the age of 16 If I catch you at it I WILL report you to the police. I will not have my daughter partaking in an illegal activity and I will make sure .... is arrested! (empty threats but there you go)
In the near term, how can you contrive to keep them apart? I mean by keeping her so busy with other things that she simply has no time to see him outside school (are they at the same school?). Maybe you can get her to volunteer babysitting for teen mums trying to complete school! Can you 'lose' her phone and not afford another?
Clearly longer term is a whole 'nother issue.
Practically, she will find a way anyway if she really wants to, whatever you threaten, so it might be a good idea to get her on some form of contraception and make sure she understands why and how to use condoms and owns some. Talk to her about how sex can make you feel, about how strong feelings can take over in intense new relationships, share experiences with her about making choices. Talk to her about why it's illegal - how being in love young can make you do things you later regret. Make sure she knows that it's ok to say no at any time, even at the last minute. All the suggestions about distracting her have a chance of helping, but I think it may be best to start by realising you don't have the power to stop her - if she listens to you it will be because she feels that you will respect her choices.
Agree thatif she wants to do it then she's going to even if not on Thursday. If she's having sex she does not want to be relying on condoms, believe me I work with pregnant teenagers. Boys promise to be careful, or they fall off, etc. She needs taking down the gp and having the depo or an implant along with a talk on using condoms as well for preventing STD.
Sorry, I know some people say this is giving a green light and maybe your dd will take it as that. But if the chances are she's going to have sex anyway I'd rather give her the green light and make sure she doesn't get pregnant.
madeupme has some great phrases to use, make sue you use them asap, however I also have experience with teens and sexual health like vivalebeaver.
If they are determined to have sex they will- if needs be a quick fumble up an alley when you think shes walking home from school/missed the first bus/been kept behind for a few mins. THis isn't how you want your daughter to have her first experience (hence the importance of madeupmes lines) but neither do you necessarily want it to be easy for her to have sex at home I guess.... really difficult.
Contraception is essential, my 1st choice for my girls when they ask me is the implant BUT they need to be self confident and empowered to use condoms all the time too. Herpes at 14 is a life sentence...... almost more than HIV these days (OK perhaps not exactly true but not so very far off if you end up admitted to a childrens ward because you have herpes so bad you can't pee at 14...it could happen)
Also I note she TOLD her cousin so my guess is she actually underneath wants to be stopped from doing it...
Do you know the boyfriends parents? I am sure that they are just as keen to prevent an unwanted teenage pregnancy. He needs "the talk" too. Not sure how you would broach the subject without alienating your dd for life though.
Agree with trice as a mum of boys I would be very happy to talk to any Gfs parents if this arose. (DS is sick of hearing "the talk")
I agree with MsWeatherwax. If she wants to do the deed, she will, regardless of how much you try and stop her unless you lock her in between now and her 16th birthday. Threats won't work, and would probably be counterproductive and drive a wedge into your relationship with her. At fourteen she probably feels old enough to be making a grown up decision, all you can do is arm her with the information, and try and keep your relationship with her positive so that if it goes wrong, she still feels able to talk to you about it. I guess it's a fine line between empowering her to deal with adult issues, without feeling like you're enabling her to do something you don't approve of. The important thing is to keep talking.
I think you have to keep her as safe as you can. Given that you can't be with her 24/7, so can't guarantee she won't sleep with him, you have to make damn sure she doesn't get pregnant.
Why not make an appointment with her at a Brook Advisory or similar? They will help her but will certainly talk to her about having sex at such a young age.
I'd have her on the pill and supervise her taking it and also buy her condoms to prevent her catching anything.
It's really difficult, but your major goal has to be to keep her safe.
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