15yo DD thinks she is an adult

[jennybee1408]

Hi Everyone

This is my first post so please bear with me...

My DD was 15 last week, and I have had a recurring problem where she behaves herself for a while until she pushes me to the limit and I explode. I try talking to her and we seem to be getting on fine the she does something sneaky behind my back that makes me doubt her. latest example is: she does competitive rowing and I have said no makeup on for training as they get sweaty and it will make her skin break out (she has a few spots but nothing serious) well she was alone in the house and getting picked up by a friend?s mother, she thought my DH would not be back before she went out - but he came back early and she had a face full of slap. She knows she is not meant to do this and tried to lie and make excuses saying she only had a little bit on and it was a top up from the morning. This is the second time in a week we have caught her lying

She seems to think she is some sort of princess, she is spoilt as she is an only child but some of her friends are loaded we are very far from it and I feel that they are having a negative effect on her i.e.: lack of respect of her own things iPod - iphone - etc...

I think everything is ok and then she does something that makes me think I?m wasting my breath. We have in the past confiscated the phone, iPod, grounded her not spoken to her unless essential.

If she didn't lie I think it would be so bad, I just don't feel I can trust her.

How can I build trust, she is basically a good kid, getting good grades and has won a lot of medals for rowing. We are now at the point of saying she will not get to go to rowing training for a week if the lying, sneaky behaviour does not stop. I am really happy she goes to the rowing training as its 5 times as week she is gettting exercise and workign in a team etc...

This might seem a small problem to some but i'm struggling, i had DD at 17 and up until now i've had a good little girl, i know she is growing up and wants to be her own person but if i set rules and boundaries she must obey them ?? right ???

any comments are welcome

[pearlclutcher]

She's too old for you to dictate everything- let her wear her make-up:if she gets spots, that's her look-out. I think you are over-controlling her and she can only assert herself by rebelling. Don't sweat the small stuff, as they say.

[jennybee1408]

there was an issue about 3 months ago where she was sexting a guy she had not met, she got the number from a friend at the rowing and it started as a bit of fun but got very dirty and actually shocking. i pay her phone bill and randomly check for any odd numbers on the bill, she had not deleted the text's so i was able to read it all. so the trust was broken back then and this have only recently begun to be back to normal and i feel if she is prepared to lie about small things how can i trust her about big things ??

[Sanesometimes1]

Sorry OP but I think you are being a little bit harsh/petty here, if she wants to wear make up and it's allowed at her sporting club then just let her do it, it's her skin and if she breaks out in spots then that's her problem not yours iyswim, cut her some slack, she is doing well at school, living by the sound of it a fairly fit and active life, lack of respect for her things is really quite normal for teenagers you know, same thing if they break it then that's her problem not yours.

[AMumInScotland]

Teenagers often lie about all sorts of things - big and small - just to keep things private from their parents. It doesn't mean she's being sneaky. If she's a good kid in most ways, then cut her some slack.

If she wears a ton of makeup, gets sweaty and breaks out in spots, then she'll know not to do it again - she'll believe it when it happens. Parents don't know anything, so she probably thinks you're only saying it to stop her wearing makeup, not because you actually know anything about it.

Setting boundaries is good, but I think you get on better if you can agree with her what those boundaries are, and why they are needed, instead of "because I say so". So if you genuinely need to have a rule, you ought to be able to discuss with her why that is, and she should be able to understand and (reluctantly) agree to it.

Its the ones she doesn't understand that will be the problem - and the makeup ine is probably one of those.

[usualsuspect]

Pick your battles

checking her phone and not letting her wear make up are not battles I would chose to have

she is growing up,you either accept that or face the inevitable sneakiness and lies

[GypsyMoth]

I have a 15 year old dd too. You do need to pick your battles and let a lot of stuff go

[jennybee1408]

thanks for all the comments, the make up is not really the issue - she knows why she is not meant to wear the make up she agrees herself that her face breaks out, its really the lies thats bothering me.

I check her phone bill as a precaution i look out for long phone calls or lots of messages to a number i don't recognise - thats a saftey issue i could care less what she is saying normally.

We have made a contract with her and we decided the rules togeather as a family - with all of us signing it.

maybe i am over protective but i donlt want to let things go, what is the point of setting rules if they are not kept too ??

[LeBOF]

Or, what's the point of rebelling if your mum doesn't act like something out of Tenko?

[GypsyMoth]

A signed contract?

That leaves little room for manoeuvre and her mistakes are seen as breaking the contract! She is SUPPOSED to push boundaries and bend the rules, she's SUPPOSED to make mistakes. That's the transition between childhood and adulthood isn't it?

[jennybee1408]

The contract was her idea, it's not an endless list of rules - mainly to do with pocket money and what chores she has to do to get it and what time she has on the computer and her phone access - not taken to her room at night when she has gone to bed.

i am actually pretty relaxed abotu most things as a parent, she has friends over all the time and i give lifts here there and anywhere :) i just feel like i'm not understading her at the moment

[jennybee1408]

and to be honest i'm a little scared of what might happen next if i can't keep a good relationship with her

[VivaLeBeaver]

I don't think you're supposed to understand 15yos, not unless you're 15 yourself.

[jennybee1408]

i dont read her text, she had over 300 to this one number - i don't normally read them. and i have only asked her not to wear make up to her rowing training she can wear it any other time

[MinimallyNarkyPuffin]

What ILT said. Pick your battles.

It must have been such a shock to find those messages on her phone. I can understand that it's thrown you and made you doubt her. As an adult your mind must have filled up with what it could have led to. It didn't. Your check ups worked. You can't revert to treating her as if she's 8/9 again.

If she wears make up to row and gets a break out of spots because of it that is her business. Step back and her learn the hard way. Make-up is one of the things that girls have pushed against parents for decades. It's one of the safe things that you can let her work out for herself and deal with the consequences of. It's part of growing up. She is lying because you are making her lie over something fairly trivial. It's not going to help her to be honest about the stuff that does matter.

[MinimallyNarkyPuffin]

A better way to deal with it might be to get her something lighter in terms of cover eg tinted moisturiser or something she won't react to like a mineral foundation, and making sure she uses a good cleanser after rowing. She should have something with an SPF of 15 or more on anyway.

[AMumInScotland]

I think you have to learn to accept that you genuinely don't understand her, or some of the things she does. Do you expect to understand other people to that level of detail? I don't - everyone I know is capable of doing things that seem odd and incomprehensible to me at times. Maybe you expect to understand her because up till now you have, and you are struggling to adapt?

It sounds like you are fretting about day-to-day things like the makeup issue, because you don't see why she isn't making the same (sensible adult) choice that you would make in the situation. But she isn't you, and she isn't that sensible yet - teenagers just aren't, though they'll deny it of course!

I'd just ease back on the things that don't really make a difference, and focus only on the important stuff.

[jennybee1408]

so i should just let her wear the make-up to rowing and then when she is crying to me because she has a face full of spots just say oh well thats your own fault then ??? (this has happened before) :) :) i'm just trying to prevent this

it was a shock about the sexting it has actually shaken us to the core, I have always considered myself a good parent and DD is a lovley girl well mannered, a pleasure to be around etc... i just feel like i'm floudering, my own teenage years were terrible and i just donlt want her making the same mistakes as i did.

thanks for all your help

[HeifferunderConstruction]

WR

you sound like a control freak , In your defence I can understand how the sexting thing may have emphasized things but the make up thing is very petty you need to let her grow up.

If she gets spots thats her problem I did exactly the same your DD my mum always said 'stop wearing so much make up' but at te end of the day its my face, I have to walk round like it. You do have to allow her to make so small mistakes or she will NEVER grow up.

[GypsyMoth]

Teenage spots happen.....regardless of makeup use

[HeifferunderConstruction]

o i should just let her wear the make-up to rowing and then when she is crying to me because she has a face full of spots just say oh well thats your own fault then ??? (this has happened before) smile smile i'm just trying to prevent this


Yea........she will learn

[jennybee1408]

i don't think i'm a control freak thanks - i really don't need to be slagged off i'm asking for advice

the make up is really not the issue its the lying.

[jennybee1408]

i will tell her to go ahead and wear the make-up to rowing - she uses a spf15 foundation and moisturiser as she has very fair skin.

your right she will learn !

[MinimallyNarkyPuffin]

I don't think it's fair to say the OP's a control freak and I totally understand that she will be terribly upset by the spots and probably wear more makeup to cover them. She needs to work it out for herself though. I'm not saying you have to support her choice to wear it, or say I told you so. She will wear the makeup and she will get spots regardless of what you do/say and all your current policy does is cause her to lie to you.

[MinimallyNarkyPuffin]

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