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granny again

(5 Posts)
Mamateur Sun 04-Sep-11 14:15:50

I've posted before about our situation. We've taken over care of DN (DP's son) who has been brought up by his granny after both his parents died when he was a baby. Granny is easily manipulated by DN and constantly interferes in our relationship, creating a sort of triangle which is very irritating.

DN is with granny for a few days at the moment and comes back to start term next week. He has a target setting day which is for children and parents to attend. He has got granny to ring DP today to say he doesn't want us both to go as it would be "too overwhelming" so he just wants to go with DP. This is not surprising, he grew up with DP and I'm just a nag grin. Our relationship is progressing ok, but we have ups and downs.

DN is a bit off me at the moment, due to some well-deserved but very fairly given tellings off. He has been with granny on and off all holiday and comes back being very rude, refusing to do the usual stuff like putting his plate in the dishwasher, saying thank you.

I am responsible for his homework and all dealings with the school. It's me they call.

I understand that he doesn't want me to go, and that he loves DP much more than me, but I can't have him telling granny telling us what to do.

DP has called her back and left a message to call us. He agreed over the phone without thinking but is of the same mind as me.

I don't know whether to leave it for this time with firm boundaries for this stuff in the future or stand my ground.

webwiz Sun 04-Sep-11 16:49:27

I think its very difficult in your situation to separate out what is normal teenage behaviour and what is something more manipulative. My first instinct is that my DS(14) doesn't necessarily like both me and DH to go to things at school (we are too embarrassing in a double dose!) but he wouldn't specify which one of us he actually wanted to come.

I would perhaps think that this was maybe a "pick your battles" situation and that so long as one of you goes its ok.

Good luck with it all!

Mamateur Sun 04-Sep-11 17:17:45

Thanks webwiz. I think I see this as a battle with granny not a battle with DN. DN's behaviour is very normal - he doesn't know me so well, it's natural.
DP just left her a message saying we are both going but will be happy to talk to DN about it and listen to what he has to say. She has texted back (she's keeping her phone off so we can't just call and talk it through) and begged us to do it her way "just this once". We've said no, that DN needs to go through things with us and come out the other side. She always always lets him off the hook if he doesn't want to do something. He was once called into school with her to discuss his bad behaviour but she ended up going on her own because he said 'he didn't feel very well and would rather stay at home' shock

webwiz Sun 04-Sep-11 17:35:25

I think in this case though I would try to block Granny and say you'll talk about it with DN rather than her. Teenagers are difficult enough on there own without other people making it worse. Stay strong!

Mamateur Sun 04-Sep-11 18:03:24

Thanks for your support! DP's text was rather terse so I've written a softer email (not sent it yet in case she calls tonight and it's not necessary) saying DN needs to get used to us and the way we are and tell us when he's not happy about something without the constant soft option of getting granny to fight his corner.

She has interfered and made the whole thing a big issue when she could just have said, ooh, I don't know, why don't you talk to them and about it, I'm sure they'll understand what you're worried about and come up with a solution.

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