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What rules can I have with an 18 year old son?

(17 Posts)
LoneRanger4 Sun 28-Aug-11 17:21:27

Just wondering what would be acceptable to others. Im a lone parent to 4 sons, second son has just turned 18. He has rolled in at 3am or later several times already this week and intends to do the same tonight and tomorrow. He's just hanging out with mates, he was the last to hit 18 so is making up for lost time going to pubs/clubs. Its very hard to switch off and sleep when he isnt in, my elder son was more considerate and had lifts home at that age. This child walks for miles on his own and has no apparent concerns for his personal safety. He's a man I know but to me he's still my little boy. I dont want to argue with him just wondering if others have rules for adult children.

cjbartlett Sun 28-Aug-11 17:22:46

how about get a lift home and be in by 1am or move out?!

Ponders Sun 28-Aug-11 17:32:09

My DS2 is 18 too & frequently does the same - sometimes he ends up staying out overnight - he used to text when he did but doesn't bother any more. It doesn't worry me most of the time, but then I'm not a single parent, I bet I'd be a lot twitchier if I was.

Mind you he's usually at someone's house, not pubs & clubs - they did all that when they were 16 hmm - they must be stricter about age where you are.

Anyway no, we didn't have any rules about it. He'll be at uni in 3 weeks & then I won't have a clue where he is or what he's up to anyway. They are legally adult, after all.

Does he understand that you are just worried about him? Have you had a chat about it? Could you get your elder son to have a word, so that your DS2 realises that you're not trying to stop him having fun, just that you're anxious & not sleeping?

Tortington Sun 28-Aug-11 17:33:51

if i was working - he would have to be v. quiet or be in - or stay out at someone elses house.

if i wasn't = really sorry, but it woudlnt bother me, unless he slammed doors or something.

LoneRanger4 Sun 28-Aug-11 17:44:31

Thanks ladies i'll try to chill a bit, im finding it very hard to let go! It is only because im worried, I dont want to spoil his fun - he's waited a lot longer than his friends to be 18. We talk a lot but I know putting a curfew on him will result in huge battles so ive tried to avoid it.

Maryz Sun 28-Aug-11 17:48:29

You can have as many rules as you like.

Trying to get him to obey them, now that's the problem grin.

What does he usually do? Because my 17 year old is currently on holidays, so the late nights are gettting to me a bit (he came home last night at 4 am for a change of clothes and went out again shock) - not that I would recommend that being acceptable.

But we have given up on most rules because he simply doesn't obey them. From next week he'll be back at work, and will be in by midnight every night, and up and out early.

The only rules we have any hope of enforcing are: no violence, no drugs in the house, and tell us if he isn't coming home at all [massive failure emoticon].

Once they are financially independent it really becomes a matter of what is worth arguing about, and filling in time until they leave home.

theginganinja Sun 28-Aug-11 17:51:02

No rules about time to be home here, my house rules consist of.... him chipping in with the housework (as the rest of us do), doing his own washing (I'm his mum, not his personal skiv) and when he's earning full time, he pays me board (at college with p/t work atm so not applicable yet). I'm really not that fussy about what time he's home as long as he doesn't wake me when he gets in.

MJHASLEFTTHEBUILDING Sun 28-Aug-11 17:53:17

Message withdrawn

startail Sun 28-Aug-11 19:09:31

You give some indication of where you are going. You ring/ text to say when you'll be back and you are back. Or you text to say you've changed your plan. And you come in quietly if people are sleeping.
This doesn't matter if you are 14 or 104.
If you share a house with people who care about you, you do it or you move out.
It doesn't matter if you live with your parents, a partner or a bunch of friends, it is simply rude to let people worry and with mobiles totally unnecessary.

exoticfruits Sun 28-Aug-11 19:27:47

I hate it-I can't sleep either so you have my sympathy. We settled for texting with plans. I found if he said 2am I could sleep until then, but not from 2am onwards if he wasn't back. He had to text if it changed. Being quiet was essential-creeping in, closing doors quietly etc.
The rest is just living with someone-don't just help yourself to food, do the washing etc.

senua Sun 28-Aug-11 19:29:05

I originally found it difficult to sleep when the DC are out late but I have forced myself to do it. I now leave a light on somewhere eg the porch. The DC are instructed to turn it off when they come in. Then when I wake at stupid o'clock, worrying about whether they are back, I can tell because the light is off and I can peacefully go back to sleep.
I also ask for a text so if they are not back I can discover the reason for the change of plan.

Maryz Sun 28-Aug-11 19:47:42

Oh, I forgot about room rules. I'm pathetic on those too blush.

He has to take out all dirty clothes and mugs/bottles once a week. I don't let him (in fact he doesn't) eat in his room. And I nag him to change his sheets once a month [bleurgh].

I too have learned to sleep through him coming in, unless he is exceptionally late. I have schooled myself (after a few calls from the local police station and hospital) to realise that no news is good news. He double locks the door, resets the alarm and leaves his shoes in the middle of the hall, so I know he is in.

My mum had two rules when we were at university. 1. if you want dinner it is at 7. If you aren't here, anyone else (or their friends) can eat it. 2. If you aren't going to be in by the time I wake up for breakfast, you have to let me know.

I think they aren't bad rules, really.

MJHASLEFTTHEBUILDING Sun 28-Aug-11 20:07:43

Message withdrawn

saintlyjimjams Sun 28-Aug-11 20:13:11

My mother used to leave the hall light on and asked me to turn it off whe. I got home. That way if she woke in the night she knew I was home.

Providing he's not waking everyone or bringing mates back I don't really think you can curfew an 18 year old although you could ask him to text if he decides to stay out all night.

kansasmum Sat 03-Sep-11 09:48:33

I am just going through this with my DD who is 17 and a half. She passed her driving test last week and has a car as we live in the sticks. She has a part time job in a pub 2 mins walk from the house. Since passing her test she comes and goes as she pleases including one night coming in at 2.15 and this morning at 4am!!! 2.15 one she told me she was staying the night with her mate- but changed her mind and came home- gave me a bloody fright when side gate went and the back door cos I was not expecting anyone!!! Took me til after 5 to go back to sleep so wasn't happy.

Dh isn't so bothered by it-(mainly cos he sleeps like the dead).

I think coming in at 4am in unreasonable. She IS quiet when she come sin but she does act like she can just do what she wants.
A friend of mine did say her DD was the same just after she passed her driving test- hopefully the novelty will wear off son!

DD has to clean her room (ha ha!), do her own laundry, help out with other job and pay towards her car insurance and she pays all the petrol at the moment. We will help a bit when she goes back to 6th form next week cos we would have to pay for the school bus if she wasn't driving.

Trouble is I tend to have a go cos I am tired and feel she is being disrespectful. Think I need to sit down calmly and discuss it with her. She will be 18 soon but I do feel that while kids live at home they should respect our rules.
We have a 15 yr old and a 4 yr old too so she needs to be considerate of them too I think.

kansasmum Sat 03-Sep-11 09:50:56

PS - reading all the other posts gives me hope because at least its not just me going through this and is "normal" teen behaviour to some extent!

tuxedoprincess Sat 03-Sep-11 12:12:24

oh osh, don't get me started on 18 year olds ds seems to think its a licence to do as he pleases and its driving me mad! goes out when he pleases, comes in when he pleases, helps himself to whatever is in the fridge (curry for breakfast!) stays in bed all day when not working. His room looks as if we'v been burgled and half the glasses in the house are buried in there somewhere. refuses to lift a finger and whatever I say and however I say it I am 'just a nagging bitch' and other abuse too foul to mention.... think the time has come for him to move on!

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