Unsuitable friends(3 Posts)
My daughter is 12 and going into yr 8 in Sept.When she left her Primary school there were only 14 of them going to the same school(girls and boys) She has not stayed good friends with any of these and I know that yrs 7&8 are meant to be fluid years for making/maintaining friendships but I now have a problem and I could do with some advice please.
O.k, so there are 2 girls that she is now really into.I don't like these girls for various reasons.In the past year she has fallen in and out with them and you know what it is like, she tells me stuff(still) and she is my eldest so all of this is unchartered territory.I try to offer advice, she does listen mainly and has marvelled at times ,at how accurate I have been at summing up a persons character, but as I have told her it's just how I feel (a mum's intuition) I currently have a very bad feeling about one of these 2 girls. She has belittled my daughter in the past, they really argue, my daughter doesn't cave in with this girl.I think this girl is a bully.She seems very spoilt and lacking in discipline from what DD has told me and what I have seen.She seems to have a total lack of respect for property and other people's things.If she breaks something(like an X-box) her mum replaces it.She has spread rumours about my daughter, she has openly shown her up in front of her friends and I have had my daughter crying about her.I am naturally protective and wary because of past events.I think this girl is jealous of my DD and as this girl is meant to be really popular she seems to wield a lot of power(according to my DD) Before the end of term she did something in school to ostracise my DD just to see if she could and it worked, she tried to get their mutual friends to go to her, side with her and they did.
I am sorry if this is coming out in a bit of a gush but I'm trying to give you some examples.
The other girl knows girl no.1 from Primary.Unfortunately she is a bit messed up emotionally, she has anger issues, she can just blow up and she has.This girl has got into trouble at school.My DD and this girl have nearly come to blows, they were always falling out.This girl is a little too intense when friends with my DD.Her mum is very protective, she also seems a little unstable and has been on the phone ranting at me several times about what my DD has said/done to her daughter.I know my daughter has been at fault over some of the allegations but her daughter is at fault too.I obviously don't know them well enough, well at all really ,as a family, to say why she is like this.Her elder brother has been in a lot of trouble with the school also.
They have a lot of past history this last school year, not any of it I can see as a positive thing but my DD enjoys their company and thinks they are a laugh.I forgot to mention as well that girl no.1 seems very manipulative, you might know the type, seems to engineer stuff then sits back and watches while others get in trouble and she never seems to be involved!
So what do I do? I have obviously voiced my concerns to my husband, he is both of my kids dad.Yesterday, she went out with them and came back and wanted to come in with them.Normally I would say no but because they were on the doorstep I felt bad/embarrased.They made so much noise, it's like a total lack of respect they are so raucous.I am worried that if they go out they will pee someone off, either shop staff, security staff or just people and I naturally do not want my DD caught up in all of that.I can just see them getting into shoplifting etc.My husband found out they were in the house and he was fuming with me, really angry.He thinks you can just forbid her from going out, seeing them but she really likes them and wants to do stuff with them.I can see his point it's like I am condoning their friendship by allowing them in the house but I was just trying to save face for my daughter in front of her friends but I think she engineered it that way also.
I was really pleased when she fell out with girl no.2 and I was trying to encourage friendships with more suitable girls but this fizzled out.I know she can say she is meeting x then go behind my back and see y and z and I have said this to my husband.I think he just sees me as weak and ineffectual at dealing with this but I don't think he is seeing how difficult this is going to be as he is at work.It is going to start up again today, all the but why can't I see them, you are out of order etc.
They are not suitable(I feel) friends for her and I have stated why until I am blue in the face.They don't care about school, they don't care about anything or anyone.
Ways forward please.
I bet she'll grow out of it. My ds had (in his own words when applying for a job and describing how he had overcome difficulties) "inappropriate friends" at that age. I made a point of letting him invite them to our house and getting to know them - much easier to keep an eye on them that way. I also dropped him off/picked him up from dodgy hangouts.
One thing we did was made sure he kept playing (and we kept watching him play) cricket (which meant he knew some kids outside his immediate dodgy circle). Thinking drama/dance/horse riding classes for your dd? He also surprisingly signed up for a world challenge trip which really helped - he had to work in a team and raise the money to go.
Something clicked for my ds when he started his GCSEs (a while away I know) and the "inappropriate friends" disappeared along with the black nail varnish and alcohol nicked from parental cupboards.
The best thing you can do is keep the lines of communication open and help your daughter keep good self esteem and confidence. I've had chats with my 12 year old DD about toxic friends, and how true friends don't cause trouble for you or backbite, and she's become really good at sticking up for herself and saying no if she doesn't want to do what they're doing. I've also told her that she can blame me if there's something she doesn't want to do, but is scared of losing face. Just ride it out.
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